I read with amusement Jeffrey's recent letter, ' Knotty problems to marital rape proposal ', and ended up with derisive disgust.

First of all, I would like to say that, although sex is expected in marriage, it is not a conjugal right nor obligation. Marriage does permit lawful sexual relationships in many societies, but in no case is it mentioned that sex is required as part and parcel of marriage. Or else, there would be common tests of 'sexual inclination' before marriage to ensure a 'minimal level' of sexual performance, since this is not the case, we can only infer that sex is not necessary in a marriage.

Thus, despite the common misconception of many men, marriage is not a free ticket to sexual activities, any more than being a business partner to a restauranteur is a free ticket to endless buffet lunches.

Regarding the case when a husband wants sex, but his wife does not: self-restraint is not the only answer. Neither does the discharge of sexual energy requires a retreat to illicit pornography nor patronage to prostitutes. The answer is marvelously simple: use your hand (by that, I mean not spousal abuse).

There is no ground to wife-rape even when a man 'needs it' any more than there is grounds for a youth to rape any girl on the street when he 'needs it'. This 'need' can be easily discharged, or suppressed, without resorting to rape. (If that is not the case, then we would expect almost every young male in Malaysia raping the moment that they are sexually mature. It boggles the mind to think of what might happen to our already troubled high-school students.)

As for the timing of 'mutual inclination', it is up to the couple to work at building the relationship to a comfortable level and 'sense' when sex is appropriate. It is definite not 'the moment', when a wife, bruised, screaming and tearing, is pulled to the 'conjugal' altar of sex. The issue that I have with people who use the lack of tempo in 'sexual inclination' is that they often use that as a reason to disrespect their wives and ignore the worth of building a relationship or sexual tension. Instead, these men want instant sexual gratification as a child wants (free) Coke from a soft-drink dispenser.

Proving marital rape is not different from proving rape per se. The most telling evidence is that there was a violent struggle in the attempt, and hence bruises. Physical and verbal abuse are frequently noticed by neighbours prior to wife-rapes. These are not the only tangible and obvious reasons, but they suffice to prove that rape occurred and not consented sex. Men are protected from accusations of marital rape the same way as in rape: if there is no violent struggle or physical abuse, then there is insufficient proof.

To say having a marital rape law is to hinder the will of couples to get married is sheer nonsense. This implies that sex is the crucial reason to get married after all and that any lack of guarantee of sex the instant that the potential husband 'needs' it is sufficient grounds not to get married. The issue of couples getting married later in life is not due to sex (or lack thereof), but rather the progress of the Malaysian society towards development and the educational level of the Malaysian society in general.

Definitely, we see that marital age is increasing even before the introduction of the marital rape law. Would it make the situation worse when the law is introduced? If it did, then it is for the better, or else, it would mean that a certain number of wives would have to get raped by their husbands to maintain a 'healthy' level of marriage in the Malaysian society. Worse than the previous reasons, which I had attacked, the argument that the marital rape law hinders marriage, I hope, is made in a moment of vanity.

The implementation of marital rape statutes have been quite successful in developed countries, where respect (and perhaps a healthy awe) of women is much better than Malaysia. The implementation issues that Jeffrey raised can be reasonably (although not perfectly) solved by observing how other countries have implemented marital rape statutes.

Like many human endeavours, there may be leaks here and there, but having such a law would at least ensure that the Malaysian society has made a worthy step towards curbing the sexual abuse of married women. The problem we have in Malaysia is not a matter of implementation, nor is it the lack of respect of women (I hope), but rather the lack of will on the part of Malaysian men to do what is right and proper.

I think, in this respect, Malaysia has a lot to learn from the 'morally corrupt', 'decadent' West.