Q : Is it normal for a man to wake up and decide he does not like the look of his dick? Out of curiosity, is there corrective surgery that can change the way your willy looks? I'm not hankering after Dirk Diggler's, but suddenly my dick looks like shriveled cucumber with weird veins.

Mr Shrivel

A : Elementary, my dear Mr Shrivel.

It's plain ugly. Period.

Now repeat this many times.

You need to dispel all preconceptions about your willy. Unless one suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (one of the symptoms being excessively pleased with his 'thing'), the majority of men just don't like how they look below the belt. This, in spite of millennium-old venerated reassurances that men were created out of the image of the higher-ups.

Even thinking of it as a kindred spirit of a cucumber is a little far-fetched. In terms of aesthetics, size, firmness, shape and functionality, it can never ever come close to a cucumber, shriveled or otherwise. So quit dreaming and don't insult the humble sidekick of our nasi lemak.