ALSO BY

By Shenaaz Khan

No tick for Nong Chik

'Twas a glorious day indeed as devilry had ceased momentarily and I was met at my neighbourhood street junction by the fine featured face of the legitimate Lembah Pantai lawmaker.

This was rather unorthodox of course, given the vile vindictive vandalism perpetuating through my Pakatan-held constituency.

Having been a resident of Bangsar Baru for 38 years now, I have never quite witnessed such unashamed Umno unlawfulness as I have in the last two years.

The blatant breaching of by-laws has been bolstered with barefaced belligerence and Bolshevik brute!

At every street corner, a pasty face with creepy veneer and still hair would pounce out at unsuspecting motorists without a woeful warning of the wimpy visage!

Public property has been plastered with pimping portraits of bribe brocaded BN bumpkins.

And patches of grass outside private homes have been plunged with BN billboards, erected on the directive of (SPOILER ALERT!) the Federal Territories Ministry!

This nugget of information came as a terrible horrible shock to absolutely no one.

For awhile now, many Bangsar folk have been subjected to this menacing modus of a moustached mooching marauder called Raja Nong Chik.

A non-parliamentarian and kitchen entrance minister, Raja Nong Chik is, for all intents and purposes, a perfidious politician who offensively plies the peasants of Pantai Valley with his patrician pity.

And with hideous regularity, he is seen bouncing about and brunching with the Bobs and Bettys of Bangsar, venturing to vulture votes.

Hardly acts of hardiment one would think! Nonetheless his blog boasts a sudden stellar track record of service to the people of Lembah Pantai and could lead one to believe that Nong can do no wrong.

His catalogue of kindness includes stalking, soliciting and spamming the simple people of Lembah Pantai.

Yes, everywhere a voter wanders, there he is. Just a fortnight ago, I received a box emblazoned with his smug mug, filled with festive fruit.

Actually for this, I was rather thankful as I quite enjoy ingesting oranges and my cats love turning cardboard into confetti.

But the endless stream of text messages, mails and postcards pointlessly piled onto Pantairians carrying the "Nong Chik is no chickadee" chants has all but made many quite sick of Nong Chik.

Yes, much like the Great Mustachioed Prime Minister Naj1b, who drums for support with a demeanour that demands a diuretic, Nong Chik's ballot begging has produced bile in many bellies.

And Bangsar bellies are further upchucked by Chik's bastionhood of banner bullying.

Yes, banner bullying! Tis a riveting game of brashly binning banners of one's foe and then brandishing beastly banners bearing BN blockheads! The cheek!

Now the Nong-Nurul imbroglio has courted much contempt from both campaigning camps.

Hence, last week, the democratically elected Member of Parliament for Lembah Pantai, Nurul Izzah Anwar, invited the resident rounding Raja to a public powwow on policies and performances. She proposed a date and a bipartisan mediator.

But the foul fowl frowned upon the offer as he has a debilitating disdain for democracy and diplomacy.

This was abundantly justified of course, as a debate debacle could easily prove Nong to be one humongous nought.

To those who have beheld the idiocy of indignation, it was delightfully obvious that Nurul's debate demand dilemma-ed dear Nong and frightened the faeces out of the FT fronter, who favours flibberti-gibberti falsehoods to irrefutable facts!

Now I don't mean to get philosophical, but Nong is no Nietzsche and is more accustomed to spin than Spinoza.

So he says NO to his nemesis, feebly fearing that Nurul, the novice, would nimbly numb his neurons with nuanced knowledge of his niggling nepotism.

A King among cowards, he instead opts to spinelessly spew spiteful slander from platforms made of plasticine and pipes and trumpet his trivial triumphs to troupers, trustees and Tamagotchis.

Mindful that any public debate would expose Nurul's natty nature against his nonsensical natter, the mischievous minister maligns my MP's movement with madcap monologue.

Two days ago, amidst a barrage of barren bollocks, the cowardly Chik commanded us to feverishly fear the onslaught of dingling democracy should those in the tongue twisting, freedom frothing, homosexual hosting Opposition win the next general elections!

The ninth circle of hell will then be upon us and we shall become the Nubian slaves of Godless heathens! Malaysia shall be imperilled, for the Opposition is going to Khmer our Rouge and hurl us into Das Kapital damnation! How very tragic!

Yes, Nong certainly neighed some knee-slapping nuttiness when he compared the Opposition to the Khmer Rouge.

My, my, such asinine assertions would confound both Mulder and Scully alike!

One can't help but be nonplussed by Nong's nonsense. His chid of the Khmer Rouge is like the pot calling the Pol Pot black.

It is after all the BN regiment that represses the rights of its rakyat with racial and religious discrimination and rampant abuse of power.

And they do this all while taking a whack at the nation's wealth. Poor Raja- his thoughts must have been stuck at the taxidermist and he must have confused the Khmer Rouge with Moulin Rouge.

But if Raja Nong Chik wishes to invoke horrible histories, he ought to reflect upon these hard-hitting truths of yesteryear - Elmer Fudd never killed Bugs Bunny, Wile E Coyote never out ran the road runner and Gargamel could not impede the smurfs from becoming Ipad icons, even if it was the last thing he ever did.

And Raja Nong Chik best remember that on March 8th 2008, the people of Lembah Pantai handed divorce papers to the malfeasant Madam Shahrizat Abdul Jalil and retained custody of our pride.

We value our vale far too much to ever let any more thieving, smirking BN overlords leech on to our land.

So, so long Nong! And may the rest of the nation bid adieu to the BN blisters and their rotting residue!