I have been shocked to say the least reading the discussion on women's rights in the letter Violating the meaning of rape . It truly opened my eyes when it comes to the view on gender issues many Malaysians, Muslims in particular, seem to hold. Thus I take the risk of giving my opinion to a local discussion, and hope it is not discarded simply because it comes from a foreigner.

What is the most difficult for me to understand as a Western woman, is the apparent weakness of Malaysian men which makes gender relations so very difficult in this culture. Jeffrey writes "Can a wife strut around the matrimonial home or even sleep next to her husband in a perpetual state of near undress and yet claim that her husband is not entitled at any time to be so provoked as to force her?" I would like to ask "Are Malaysian men truly so weak that they cannot control themselves in lust? And why do most Western women and men have no difficulties in this?"

Letting men think that they have the privilege (always denied from women) to freely act on their lust on the mere sight of a woman, has led to some sick consequences. One of these is the acceptance of marital rape.

These attitudes are not something new. These same views were held in Scandinavia thousand years ago. In the writings from this period one often sees warnings for women not to strut around the house undressed. Also the view of women as men's property was then commonly held. Luckily we have come a long way from those times.

I had the privileged to grow up in a country where relations between men and women are relaxed. Not surprisingly, we are also world leaders in equality between sexes. Unlike what many people here seem to think, this does not need to mean more sexual relations. Quite the opposite. This gives men and women the opportunity to be together asexually, as friends. Only through communication and mixing is it possible for gender relations to normalise, when people finally realise that gender differences are in the end rather superficial.

In Malaysia, I have had the opportunity to meet and communicate with Muslim men, both local and Arabs. However, most of these encounters have been a real disappointment. As a rule Muslim men see me only as a woman, not an equal. A woman, on the other hand, is merely a sexual object, not a thinking, intelligent person, with whom you can discuss your ideas and thoughts. I know there must be many exceptions to this rule, but this has been my personal experience in Malaysia.

Back home I have several very good male friends with whom I have had deep meaningful asexual relationships. My male friends can stay overnight at my place while I freely remain "in a perpetual state of near undress" without a worry that they would do any harm to me. The same is true about marriage. I always have the right to say no and no one, not even my husband, has the right to violate me.

Lust and libido are pathetic excuses for violence and adultery, which have their roots somewhere else. Luckily both the law and public opinion protect the women in my home country. Unfortunately, not everywhere are women that lucky.