SATIRE As a concerned citizen observing the social issues in the past couple of days, I am very perturbed that someone may die or get upset soon. I am now writing to the relevant parties to quickly take action on these:
1. Request the distributors of Alfa Romeo to voluntarily remove their emblem.
I heard a commotion from some youngsters on my Whatsapp messenger and seeing that they were getting rather agitated, as a senior member of the society, I agreed to mediate on their behalf.
After all, Malaysia is a particular religious majority country so it's only reasonable to ask the distributors to remove part of their emblem to pacify the marauding crowd. Imagine if every morning these 13 people wake up and look outside their window and see the offensive 100-year-old emblem, how do you think they will feel?
We know these 13 are young and lack religious conviction so, despite the emblem having been established for more than a hundred years, we urge the distributors (even better if we can get the manufacturer to make special emblems for us) to remove the emblems voluntarily.
Don't worry, the head of the national emblem enforcing agency is my brother so he will support whatever I say even if the minister says otherwise. Nobody will be punished for ripping out such offensive emblems as long as brother is in power.
You can even threaten to burn the emblem, it is okay as long as you don't actually do it. Go ahead, threaten to slap the distributors too for RM1,200.
2. Remove the 'cross' junction road signages immediately
Upon being awoken at 5.19am by the neighbourhood alarm clock, I and my 16 Hindu friends who were also awoken the exact same time, went for a weekend drive to a temple facing away from Putrajaya.
We were horrified to note that there is a sublimal conspiracy to convert the drivers on the road to a particular religion. On the trip from Bangsar to Taman Medan alone, I saw at least 13 signboards with the offensive crossed "T" symbol.
As someone who respects the religious majority's right to proselytise (and definitely not vice versa) their religion, I cannot tolerate the exhibition of this particular signboard. I urge the ‘wakil rakyat’ to resign because she allowed such a brazen attempt to convert people with weak religious upbringing.
Henceforth, I urge that all such signages (and the junctions) be converted into "roundabouts" so that everyone can go round in circles to reach their final destination.
However, the blood sucking vampires who were previously terrified of the "cross" sign, may now demand that all T-shape emblems be removed so that they can wreak havoc without impunity.
By the way, as proof of this sublimal brain-washing, all 16 of my friends wanted to have hot cross buns for breakfast instead of 1Murtabakh. That made my mamak very cross indeed with his daily rantings to expose our shenanigans now.
3. Change the proverbs in the English language
I urge the Education Ministry to urgently review the teaching of English in Malaysian schools. Now that we have an almost Oxford-level tertiary education system with our 21,243 straight A graduates, we can easily re-write the 1,200-year-old English language as we had successfully rewritten the 1,958 years of Malaysian history.
In fact, I want to tell Dr Mahathir Mohamad that he is not alone in throwing out the English system from Malaysia. Look how successful we are now: Our Proton is as good as BMW, without pawning quality our police force is the most Internet savvy in the world with 122,000 surfing the web daily, foreign journals have commended us for the TwitCop, our crime rate statistics keep coming down annually, two of our 61 universities have made it into the top 1,002 in the world, our Elections Commission is the most un-flaccid in the world, we have so many original creations like Terang Boelan and Bah Kut Teh (oops, not sure if this is seditious to say), we have unlimited "cinema quality" DVDs at 10 percent of the actual price, we can settle most matters easily and many more.
Okay, I digressed a little. I know we can re-create English to suit Malaysia because the deputy education minister said that our proficiency is number one in Asia. Personally, I have no doubt that we speak better English than the Laotians, Bhutanese, Kyrgystanis and Mongolians, although the Bangladeshis may give us a run for the money.
With such prowess in English, as seen in the distressing Tourism Ministry's advert recently, I am confident that we can do it. What am I clamouring for? I am deeply offended that we are teaching our children to "dot the i's and cross the t's".
Oh Lord, what if they get converted by doing that? My godless friends are horrified that up to now, we have not reinvested a proverb to replace this British trick. To glocal-ise this phrase, I propose that henceforth, we say "tetek the i's and potong the t's". Truly Malaysian.
4. Ban the cross-bar spanners
As I watched my mechanic Ah Loy work the cross-bar spanner while unscrewing the bolts from my car tyre, I realised how deep the conspiracy has spread. He kept chanting "Oh my God, Oh my God" (and some other Cantonese expletives) while twisting the cross-bar spanner.
Can you imagine, some 200,346 Chinese boys are profiteering by using this covert religious symbol daily and being secretly converted? I am not kidding, Ah Loy lives in Taman Medan and just recently, WhatsAapp-ed his new profile name, Roy (or maybe Ah Roy) to me. Isn't this enough proof of what the female wanna-be ‘wakil rakyat’ had claimed?
From now on, I urge the Consumer Affairs Ministry to ban the usage of this religious tool and strictly enforce the "L spanar" so that only these crooked tools can henceforth be used to screw the rakyat's nuts.
Having long given up on common sense to prevail, RAMESH RAJARATNAM thinks that he is not the only one.
