SATIRE | The government after the weekly meeting of its Council of Ministers yesterday announced several new measures to protect a minority of the population who happen to be wearing Middle Eastern garb.

However, it is learnt that after hours, the same people discard their loin cloth and the long-flowing robes and get dressed in demure Western clothing despite having previously preached: “Down with Western values and Satan’s culture.”

For starters, all staff of banks and financial institutions will be required to wear rubber gloves when handling currency notes so that they retain their sanctity and cleanliness when handed over the customers.

This, we have been told will help producers of rubber gloves and promote the industry which is plagued with over-production.

The banks are also required to offer such free gloves. In two weeks’ time, banks are required to place plastic gloves at all automated teller machines (ATMs).

This, the Minister of Protection of the Minority, said this will enable some sections of the community to use the keyboard to key in their personal identification numbers. They can also do their transactions without fear of touching the keyboards which probably had been touched by someone who had gone to the Indian barber.

The “glove protection” scheme is however not applicable to four-digit lottery shops. Also on the exemption list is money which had been laundered, money in the form of bribes and corruption, “donations” and what is referred to as “black money.”

The Federation of Banks issued a statement decrying the new requirements which they claimed are being introduced without consultation. “It will affect our bottom lines.”

In an immediate retort, the Minister said banks are spending millions on golf tournaments which have always been won by foreigners. Millions are paid out in cash prizes. If the tournaments are stopped, there will be more than enough to protect the people’s interests.

In a related development, the Minister for Fright and Flight has ordered that all locally incorporated airline companies implement a gender segregation policy on seating.

“Having people of the same sex sitting next to each other can cause either one to be aroused. This may result in a new airline ticket for two to Bali being issued,” she said.

As an immediate response, one airline’s head honcho said that the policy cannot be implemented as sometimes, only one side of the plane will be filled, raising safety fears.

The Minister retorted that if the women’s side is empty, at least one passenger would be allowed to bring her 26 pieces of luggage from the hold.

“This is for safety. Sometimes, our women love to travel with their jewellery, including diamonds worth over RM100 million. Other times, they take hard cash. What can be better than having your valuables by your side?” the Minister asked.

Almost immediately, the Association of Barristers demanded that warnings on currency controls be displayed in the local language.

“We always have difficulty in conning and convincing judges that our clients don’t read or understand the English language,” its leader said...