Dear Aspiring Politician,

There are numerous ways one might be involved in the political fabric of a society. If one were an idealist, perhaps one might be taken to seek to empower those who might have been weakened due to historical, socio-political reasons (think of the US civil rights movement, Merdeka, and so on).

Of course, that's a rather difficult road. And such politicians do seem to meet a rather nasty end. Think of Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King, Malcolm X. Our own Tunku Abdul Rahman probably faced more setbacks in his later years than during the Merdeka process.

Could there be an easier less rocky road? Could there be a simpler road to success?

An obvious advice for you (from my examples above), my young aspiring statesperson, is to avoid getting shot. But there is much more I have to impart to you. Although I have been a politician for a long time, a lot of what I have to impart can be gleaned from the news in just the past few months.

While you may have already identified these and sought to put them into practice, may I just list them here in case you, young man or woman, have been too busy with your iPod and clubbing as young people do.

These are the things to do to be successful in politics (a disclaimer: this list applies to Malaysia particularly and will not work in most other countries, at least not the developed ones):

1. Use sex. And if not sex, anything close to it. For example, nudity (for people do have to remove some clothes to have sex). Not everyone has sex, but everyone is nude at one point or another due to biological necessity. This tactic worked with Chua Soi Lek.

And now it's working with Elizabeth Wong, who has tendered her resignation. If her resignation is accepted, that proves this method works and will work. Just hire some paparazzi (aka Peeping Toms) and use them to take photos of your political opponents in the nude.

Since the precedent has been set when Wong resigned, as each set of photos is produced, each politician will have to resign to be consistent with their accepting Wong's resignation.

2. Of course, if we carry (1) out with great success and this method is copied by our political rivals, we will soon have a full set of nude photos of each and every politician as we each attempt to out-‘pap’ the other.

There will be nobody fit (by our own rules) to be in government since we have all been in states of undress before (and in the future). If our rivals are sufficiently determined, they can surely take photos of us nude (or perhaps use old nude baby photos).

3. If nudity loses its novelty when we have photos of all politicians in the nude due to (2), perhaps another tactic is called for. Try some other form of blackmail. It could be anything. Everyone has some skeletons, some secret in the past.

No secret is too irrelevant - you may not find it offensive, but do not underestimate a prudish judgmental Pharisaic society. Remember, this is a society where we still see rape victims blamed for being raped. Trust someone somewhere to be offended.

Trust someone out there to blame the victim. Trust someone out there to be petty. Perhaps your opponent might have skipped ‘computer class’ in primary school? I know I did - but fortunately nobody found out while I was in office.

4. If the above doesn't work, I suppose it's time to dig into the coffers. Perhaps you might think that government money should be used for things like helping the poor, education for our young, saving the environment. Stop thinking like that, you idealist! Remember, the main thing is getting elected. There should be ‘oil’ to last till the next election. Hopefully.

Even if not, don't forget all that nice timber in East Malaysia. Bring in the loggers! With all the potential personal profit to be made, it might be wise to invest by buying a politician or two. Sound out a few of your opponents.

There are always some people who are unhappy, for whom the grass is always greener on the other side. Maybe there's something you can give to make them happy - and as a result make you and your party happy.

5. If all else fails, try scare tactics. And try to encourage crackpots. Get someone to write ‘fiction’ where your opponent meets an untimely end because she defended the rights of the minority. Defend it as an innocent cerpen. Start off by leaking stories in the media about your opponents being targeted (eg, Lim Guan Eng).

That's all I can think of for now, for I am an old man and these tactics are a bit different from what we did in the old days. But my advice is this.

Follow the news in Malaysia. At the current rate, there will be much we will learn about how to win no matter what the cost. Good luck.