The latest auditor-general's report is like a stuck record.
As with those reports of his for the previous years, the latest one tells the same old story of what are obviously gross neglect of proper management of finance and materials. And, as to be expected, many things in it point to unbridled corruption.
Yet again, it is obvious that no attempts have been made to ensure that money was spent well nor to discourage and never mind to stop corruption. The two sets of explanations that we have seen so far are simply pathetic.
One set has to do with expenses related to an event incorporating the display of some female South Koreans' mostly bare legs. The other has to do with loss of arms that fire bullets and not shoot poison-tipped darts or other primitive projectiles.
Sexciting flesh and off-putting figures
The secretary-general of the ministry concerned with the display of sexciting flesh was reported to have said that the display was paid for by sponsors.
That elicited murmurs of ‘really?'. The murmurs of disbelief rose to a crescendo pitch.
So, next, the present minister from that ministry said the sponsors had withdrawn their support, and so, yes, the government had paid for the exhibition. Of course, ‘the government' here means taxpayers.
But what do you know? Now the minister at the material time has mere hours before the time of writing contradicted his successor by saying that sponsors had paid for the exhibition of bared skin. And the extraordinarily generous people had donated RM20 million, no less!
And to give us the impression that he was a clever, diligent fellow, he accused the auditor-general's men of not having their figures right and were too lazy to do a proper job.
But the clever, diligent fellow would do well to sit together with his successor and decide how to explain to the auditor-general and the public in a truthful, convincing manner how the cost of the event has ballooned from the initial RM15.2 million to RM55 million and on to RM67 million. Incidentally, that last figure is true till Oct 2. It might have become even more pregnant by the time you read this.
We shall leave the two to work out how to explain the air inside their heads - oops! Sorry, I mean their balloon, and turn our attention to the chief keeper of law and order.
A joker, a liar, or a fool?
The auditor-general's report tells us that the police have lost, among several other items, 44 guns in 2012.
The inspector-general of police (IGP) was reported to have said, ‘The missing guns may not have fallen into the hands of criminals but could have fallen into the sea from boats, and the weapons could not be recovered'.
Yes, you've read right. The IGP might have been joking. If he did, then it only goes to show that government servants such as he and the politicians in government have been viewing the AG's reports all these years with scant regard.
And that is why wastage and pilfering and stealing and pumping of balloons and grand larceny have been going on unabated all these years.
If he was serious, then it goes to show how inefficient and unconcerned he and the entire police department are. Losing guns isn't a funny or a trivial matter, is it? Only fools would think it is either.
If a gun is lost, we would expect the policeman or policewoman concerned to write a detailed report explaining the loss. He or she must be subject to some form of punishment before a replacement is given.
We would also expect the IGP to know exactly how the 44 guns had been lost. But he obviously did not. And he wouldn't have. Because we surmise from his statement that all that the policemen and policewomen have to do on losing their guns is to go to their armourer, cough up RM5,350.92, and they get a new one.
How have I got the amount RM5,350.92? Easily. The IGP himself has given it, albeit indirectly. He said RM197,984 had been collected and seven guns recovered. So, divide the amount by 37.
After a spate of shootings last month, several people were reported to have asked how those gunmen managed to get guns or how guns were brought into Malaysia. Now we know how, don't we? The weapons were all the time within Malaysia!
Now I shall fall on my creative licence to explain.
A policeman ‘loses' his gun to a gunman for, say, RM10,000. Next, he coughs up RM5,350.92 and gets a new one. The gunman gets his toy, the policeman makes RM4,742 easy money, and everyone is happy. Except the intended recipients of the bullets, of course.
Now you ask me, What could some of those now missing guns have been doing in boats? And how did they fall off those boats?
Ah, simple. The guns climbed into a few boats and went out to sea to fish, see? The ‘fish' they intended to fish were not fish but buoys or some other floating objects. Inside those objects were illicit drugs left for them by their drugs-smuggling friends.
Sometimes, some of the guns met with bad luck; the drugs smugglers hadn't yet put any floating things at the designated locations. Tired of waiting, those guns decided to take a dip in the cool seawater, only to find later that they couldn't rise to the surface! They struggled until they drowned, and then sank right down to the seabed.
Had Sanjeevan not chosen to clam up, he might be able to confirm that this - ahem - brilliant postulation is fact and not fiction. Doubtless scuba divers from the police Special Action Unit are now combing the beds of all the world's seven seas in search of the still missing guns.
Conclusion
The first time I got to hear of corrupt practices in Malaysia was when I was a young chico and being schooled far away from my home. That was at the time when Adam and Eve were still unaware that they were naked.
There was one example of such practices that I can never forget, because it simply boggled my imagination then. I came to learn that the Malaysian government paid RM8 for a pack of instant noodles supplied to the army.
Unless my memory has failed me, a packet sold loose at that time cost 30 sen. Therefore, a pack of five would have cost, at the very most, RM1.50.
It is simply impossible for the person or persons approving payment to not have realised the inordinately high cost of a pack of the mee that was cepat di masak, sedap di makan.
Adam and Eve have long since turned into indistinguishable dust, and I am still hearing of excessive payments and fudging of figures. Obviously, corruption - and lying, of course - is the BN's middle name.
Therefore, the vow that the particular champion of doubletalk made mere days ago to make graft a thing of the past is as hollow as a drum.
Want to bet the stylus will get stuck again on the auditor-general's deeply scratched, extra long play vinyl record next year?
