I am dejected, I was wrong, I am beaten mentally.

Goodness me! I was hoping that malaysiakini will be the one place that I could find solace, peace and tranquility. I prayed hard, really, really hard that 'it' won't come here. It has crept up everywhere else.

Even the powerful government controlled media is helpless against its onslaught and has decided to embrace it with open arms.

I fought hard. I resisted the temptation like I have never resisted before. Still, it's far reaching tentacles follows me everywhere, nudging me, tempting me, coaxing me.

Malaysiakini was the last untouched region that I could hide in. I surfed on the waves of articles, stories and letters to editors. I was happy once more. This virgin site was perfect for me. I felt great.

Until that dreadful day. I still remember it clearly. Aug 16, 2006 2:58pm.

My heartbeat skipped a beat when I read the article's headline: ' Siti: I did not wreck Datuk K's marriage '.

That was when I admitted defeat and embraced 'it' - it being Siti Nurhaliza and Datuk K in the news again.