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Douches, morons and one-dimensional M'sians

Howdy fellow Malaysians! It is now just a few days before the much awaited 12th general election and by now, I'm sure many of you would have made up your mind on who to vote for. If you have, then you are not my target audience. My target audiences here are:

  • The fence sitters who have not made up their mind; and

  • The non-Muslims that continue to be adamant against voting for PAS despite the fact that they have removed the Islamic state agenda from their manifesto; and
  • Those that feel that the opposition is not credible enough to lead the country and thus want to vote for BN or abstain from voting
  • If you fall into one of these categories, then take a few minutes of your time to hear me out. No, I am not going to convince you and give you direct reasons for voting opposition because I am sure you have heard these reasons countless of times from your peers or from the Internet. I am going to explain to you the ‘douche and moron’ theory which many of you seem to be unconsciously abide by. Now, a douche, in American terms can be simply translated to mean an idiot. A moron means just that.

    Now, many of you constantly pipe that voting in this general election is akin to choosing between a douche and a moron ie, no matter who I vote; it's an idiot anyway, so why vote? Now, I don't blame you for thinking so because I myself have serious qualms in certain issues about the manifestoes of the opposition parties. So, just based on this theory, you either don't want to vote, or you will vote our dear ‘Barisan Neraka’ because you want development in your area.

    For the PAS haters, you do not trust them because of their deep Islamic credentials. Some of you compare them to the Taliban in Afghanistan so you think voting in BN as the lesser of the two evils is wise.

    Okay, fine. Let's just assume that all your assumptions are true. The BN and opposition are both gundus , both incapable of bringing Malaysia to greater heights. Haiz …that's why I always say, the people of Malaysia do not deserve democracy. I am no fan of democracy myself, but as the saying goes: ‘When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade’.

    Similarly here, the Malaysian constitution is giving you democracy, so use it to the fullest of its potential! The problem with many Malaysians is that they are too one dimensional in their thinking process. To many, democracy is as simple as ‘I like him, so I vote him’. What a farce. Democracy is a tool; in fact, it is a very complicated tool.

    The first thing I'd like to point out is democracy is always between a douche and a moron. Eighty percent of the time, both candidates are generally sly, cunning foxes who mostly care about themselves, and do not give a hoot about the general population. Why is this so? Because these are the only people who are Machiavellian enough to rise high enough to actually be able to contest in an election.

    So then you ask, why even bother to vote? Okay, let's look at it from a Malaysian point of view. The BN is a douche and let's say PKR is a moron. PKR is not credible enough to lead the country, but the BN is already destroying the country. This is what happens when you give a douche too much power.

    Yes, if we give the PKR 90% of all the parliamentary seats, I am sure it will be as corrupted as BN with internal fighting and power tussles. Why is this so? Because they're both idiots. It is your duty and responsibility as a citizen to ensure that neither the douche nor the moron gets too much power.

    Yes, this is democracy, learn to live with it. Most of the time, your choice is always limited to a douche and moron and it is imperative that we reduce the power of the stronger one so he will not destroy the country. By giving more power to the moron, at least the moron will introduce measures to curb the douches' misuse of power.

    Giving either one too much power will destroy the country and that is what we did back in 2004 when we clearly gave the douche too much power. I would say the same if let's say DAP is in BN's position now. I would vote BN, especially if the DAP is raping the country like how BN is destroying it now.

    Secondly, is the issue of principle versus tactical. Asians, in general, are very one dimensional when it comes to voting. They vote based on which party tends to coincide with their principles and if no party coincides with their principles, they vote for the party which they perceive impinges less on their principles. The perfect example of this is Chinese voting for BN over PAS just because they think PAS is extremist even though they have publicly stated the withdrawal of their Islamic state plan.

    Voting on principle makes perfect sense, if - I repeat - if both sides are equally matched and the outcome is unpredictable (eg Clinton vs Obama). Coming back to Malaysia, do you think the outcome is unpredictable? We all know BN will ride back into parliament with a two-thirds majority.

    So, my question is, why the hell are you still choosing BN over PAS? We all know PAS will never ever win even a simple majority, not in this lifetime. Even if it does, it will come to power with DAP and PKR which are secular and will oppose any Islamic policies. It's the same thing with voters choosing Gerakan over DAP in Penang.

    This is the time for us to draw a line between our principles and tactics. Most of you have been complaining non-stop about the ruling government and it's screwed up policies and yet when it comes to polling day, you still vote BN back in. It's time to walk the talk. Vote the opposition in even if you do not like them for the sake of diluting the power of the douches in the government.

    You keep talking about how bad the situation in Malaysia is so what is wrong with giving the opposition more power even if it is PAS who we all know will never win outside of Kelantan and Terengganu?

    This is what we call a tactical approach to voting as it dilutes the power of a common enemy. Like the phrase goes, ‘The enemy of my enemy is my friend’. You may not like the enemy of your enemy (PAS) but befriending him will weaken the power of your direct enemy (BN).

    To summarise, the two main points outlined here are:

    Democracy and elections are almost always between douches and moron. Our responsibility is to ensure neither one gets drunk with power. And if one of your candidates is neither a douche nor a moron, then it is clear who to vote for.

    You must draw a line between your principles and the desired outcome. Your principles in Malaysia's biased election system can only bring you so far. It's time we took a tactical approach to dilute the power of a common enemy, BN, and if that means sacrificing a degree of your principles, so be it because the outcome is the thing that will shape and determine the future of Malaysia.

    Don't tell me that the future of our country is less important than your own selfish principles.

    Alright, that's all I have to say. Vote wisely on Samoronay. I myself will be travelling all the way back from Singapore to exercise my rights. Democracy is a complicated and powerful tool. Use it wisely and it will take Malaysia to greater heights.

    Malaysia Boleh!