The non-event recently held in Vientiane, that - as some sources claim was meant to be the latest Asean meeting, turned out to be a comedy of errors in more ways than one. First came the laughable drama of Thai Premier Thaksin Shinawatra playing the role of primadonna threatening to walk out of the proceedings should any pesky journalists or politicians raise the

embarrassing question of what actually happened in the town of Tak Bai where more than 80 Thai Muslims died at the hands of Thailand's security forces. Then came the equally shameless volte-face when Thailand chastised the regime of Burma for not doing enough as far as democratic reform was concerned.

Year in, year out, the people of Asean have turned to the Asean assembly with the feeble (and increasingly diminishing) hope that it would evolve into something more than a rulers' durbar or talking shop for the elite.

Time and again, we have been let down by the powers-that-be, who are clearly more interested in playing out their appointed roles in this farcical masque which despite the amount of orchestration and finance invested into it has produced precious little in terms of concrete and tangible results.

Therefore, in the spirit of Asean fraternity, brotherhood and wishy-washiness; and in order to loosen the collars of the high-and-mighty who grace this tedious spectacle again and again, we propose an alternative Asean games for the leaders and governments themselves.

Unbeknownst to most of us (with the exception of a few sharp-sighted political scientists of course), these games have, in fact, been going on for decades and the countries of Asean have been competing against each other all along. Now at last the veil can be lifted and we present to you the alternative Asean games for all to see. Among the competitions on offer include:

Competition 1: The bury-as-many-of your-own-population race

The aim of this race is for the government of Asean countries to massacre as many of their own citizens on the flimsiest of pretexts that can be found. Reasons for rampant slaughter and genocide may include: "the struggle against Communism", "national security", "danger of secessionist movements", "internal revolt", "local gangs and mafia networks undermining national security and the territorial integrity of the nation-state".

Thus far among the clear winners has been Indonesia, with an estimated half a million killed during the anti-Communist counter-putsch in 1965-66. (But Indonesia was later disqualified when it was discovered that the anti-Communist bloodbath was partly aided by the Americans and other Western powers. Indonesia then tried to make up for lost bodies by forcibly annexing East Timor in 1974, but this was also disqualified as the helping hand of America and Australia were revealed, sorry!).

Following close behind have been the Philippines and Thailand, both with an equally impressive and bloody record of murdering their own citizens in the name of anti-Communism and counter-insurgency. But again both countries were later disqualified when it was discovered that they were (again!) aided and abetted by the United States of America.

Therefore first prize goes to Cambodia, where the Khmer Rouge were responsible for the deaths of more than a million innocent people, whose killing fields are the pride of Asean and where thousands of unmarked graves remain undiscovered. Coming a close second is Burma, which has also chalked up an impressive record of killing its own citizens following the army coup in 1963.

In both cases, these huge body counts were achieved purely on the basis of individual merit, without the help of Uncle Sam. (See what some initiative and hard work can do? Let that be a lesson to other Asean governments).

The black horse in this race has been the United States, which is not an Asean member but which tried to worm its way into the final lap by slaughtering millions of people in Vietnam. The USA impressed the judges with its use of novel methods such as chemical and biological weapons, carpet bombing and mass extermination of villages, but the panel of judges disqualified it nonetheless as it was not an Asean state. The judges have recommended that if the USA really wants to be part of Asean then it should either re-colonise the Philippines or buy Singapore.

Competition 2: The twist-your-neck-and-look-the-other-way-as-long-as-you-can race

The objective of this race is for the governments of Asean to turn their necks and look the other way, even when the most flagrant abuses of human rights and fundamental liberties are taking place right next door.

While performing this acrobatic feat, the leaders of the states also have to continually chant the mantra 'we will not interfere in the domestic affairs of other states, we will not interfere in the domestic affairs of other states, we will not interfere in the domestic affairs of other states'

(When read backwards it reveals the secret message: 'and while we look the other way please sign the joint memorandum of understanding in front of you')

The leaders in this race thus far have been Malaysia and Singapore, both of which have successfully managed to look the other way when abuses of human rights are taking place right before their eyes, in places like Pattani, Aceh, East Timor, Irian, etc. Malaysia gets a special bonus point thanks to its amazing ability to condemn the violence in Palestine and Iraq

thousands of miles away and at the same time describe the happenings in Pattani as a 'foreign domestic problem', when this so-called foreign country (Thailand) happens to be a stone's throw away across the Golok river. Singapore has since fallen out of the race due to its geographic location at the centre of Asean. After turning to look the other way again and again, its constant

spinning has caused it to lose balance and sense of direction.

The Philippines in turn has been disqualified because it kept looking at the problems of other countries in Asean while remaining oblivious to the problems in its own territory, namely the killings in Mindanao and the brutal conduct of its own army there. It is doubly disqualified for pretending to be an independent country.

Competition 3: The run-to-the-doorstep-of-the-Whitehouse-with-begging-bowl-in-hand thousand kilometre dash

The objective of this race is for the leaders of Asean to rush to the doorstep of the Whitehouse, begging bowl in hand, to win American support while proclaiming commitment to Washington's 'war on terror' in Asia. In the course of doing so, the Asean countries have to forget and erase America's record of violent and bloody intervention in Asia, and to outbid each other by promising as much unquestioning support, loyalty and dedication to applying America's military-economic-political agenda in the Asean region.

The outright winner of this race is Thailand, which has now been designated a 'major non-Nato ally' by none other than President Bush junior himself. Thailand was one of the first countries in Asean to lend its support to the American 'war on terror' campaign and thus far this seems to have paid dividends in terms of the near-total lack of American media coverage of the

violence in Pattani and the rest of southern Thailand.

Coming a close second is the Philippines under the leadership of Gloria Arroyo, who has trampled on the post-1986 post-Marcos Constitution of the country which specifically prohibits the Philippine government from allowing foreign troops to operate on Filipino soil.

The predominantly-Muslim countries of Asean Malaysia and Indonesia have cried foul because they were unable to participate fully in the race due to local Islamist opposition at home.

Singapore, on the other hand, was disqualified on the grounds that they had actually dug a tunnel to the Whitehouse and have been living in the basement all along.

The games were conducted in earnest and all the participants later stated that they had a jolly good time. Throughout the event the representatives of Asean were colourfully dressed in traditional Asean dress: that is, Levi jeans and cowboy hats. Numerous American fast food companies were the proud sponsors of the games and have promised to sponsor the next round of collective lunacy