BOOK EXCERPT My brother used to tease me because of the Madonna posters I had everywhere in my room, back when we were in primary school.

He’d say, “She likes Madonna!” and that would make me cry! I’d dramatically defend myself, saying “I just like her singing!”

Back then, I had already started having infatuations towards female figures, namely Madonna.

I’m still unclear if I was into her songs, or into her. I kept on telling myself: I need to get to America and bump into her!

I knew I loved singing, so I kept thinking she would discover me and adopt me, for some strange reason.

My dad was and still is very sweet. He used to fuel my interest towards Madonna. He would go to the newsstands, and ask them, “Do you have the latest Galaxie? The one with Madonna?”

He would get the posters for me. I think I still have a whole stack of them somewhere. He’s so sweet and just didn’t know what he was fuelling back then.

Looking back, I suppose my childhood was not terrible. But, at the same time, like everyone else, growing up was hard because I had yet to understand my own sexuality.

First crush

My first crush on a girl was at 11. It was a mad crush, and for some reason, again, I thought she was the spitting image of Madonna. She isn’t! I have no idea why I thought it. Nothing happened. The girl left for secondary school after Standard Six, as per the system.

In secondary school, I went to an all-girls’ school. On my first day, I was seated next to the window. Out of nowhere this girl appeared at the window, dropped me a note, and left. I was shocked, shaken, stunned, speechless.

Being totally new to the school, it made me wanna cry. It was confusing as I guess it scared me. I was clueless to what was happening. After all, it was my first day.

Some strange girl just threw a note through the window while the teacher was teaching! I was worried. Didn’t want to get into trouble. Did anyone see? Did the teacher see? Am I going to be kicked out of class? Out of school?

Curious though, I opened the note, which was from a senior, and it said, “I think you’re cute,” or something like that. It was interesting, getting that note, but I was still confused and didn’t know what was wanted of me.

Eventually I got used to getting notes and being asked, “Hey, will you be my adik angkat?” or adopted sister or special friend.

I fell into it. I thought, “Hey, wait a minute, I kind of like this.” I never knew this culture existed. It was nice. It was mainly a Malay thing, to nurture and help each other.

People thought I was Malay because I looked Malay. I even hung out with my straight Malay friends who all had adik angkat and kakak angkat themselves. So it was normal.

Something more sexual

When I was 14, I realised that there was something more sexual going on with some of the girls. Again, I was intrigued, but I did not see myself going there yet, sexually. But at the same time, I couldn’t see myself fancying any guys from the neighbouring schools.

I thought the boys were silly, stupid, smelly and rough. Though I did develop crushes towards actors like Keanu Reeves and Johnny Depp.

It was hard to talk to any of my friends about my crushes towards girls in school. So, I never talked about it. I just wrote these thoughts and feelings in a diary and daydreamed whilst listening to songs.

In Form Four, the seniors graduated. It broke my heart as I liked this girl and felt, “Oh no, she’s leaving! She will never know about my feelings.”

I never felt like this before, but how do I make her stay? But she cannot stay, she has to graduate and I cannot do anything about it. I tried to push myself to say something, but again, I didn’t know what I was going to say anyway.

I was stumped. It was confusing and very heartbreaking. It felt like I was torn to pieces, and at the same time I was going through changes with my family that affected me emotionally.

Years later, when I started working, I met my then boyfriend. We lived together for several years. He suspected that I was attracted to women, but I couldn’t talk about it. We never spoke about my interests in women, and when he had suspicions, I always denied it.

'I met a woman'

At some point, I met a woman, and got attracted to her. One day, while we were hanging out, we got physical. I was shocked, but I liked it. I remember crying right after because I liked it, and I hated my relationship with my then boyfriend.

Being with him felt like a chore and it made me feel disgusted with myself, I didn’t even care for my boyfriend much at that point because of all the tension that we had in our relationship.

He couldn’t hold down a job and I ended up being the one who would pay all the bills. When he didn’t hold up his end on our expenses, we would be in a mess, kicked out of the spaces we rented, the works. I tried encouraging him, coaching him, but I couldn’t make it work.

I didn’t really think that I was leaving him for her. I just couldn’t be with him for many other reasons, but this one reason made it even more meaningful to go.

At the same time, all my securities were with him, and not with her, and that felt really scary. Being all alone again. He threatened to kill us. He said, “If I find out that you are together, I will kill you both. Watch it!”

It was yet another confusing time. I felt guilt towards my ex-boyfriend and would be teary-eyed about our breakup, plus I was insecure not knowing if things would work out with her.

But I guess she thought, “Hurry up and get over it already, and let’s start this new relationship. What are you crying about? You wanted out. Why are you not happy now?” Eventually, the woman I was attracted to started seeing a guy again; she was bi.

I’m someone who takes time getting used to new things, new environments, settings. I don’t think it’s wrong to feel that way but it damaged whatever I could have had with her. I think I needed my time to get through things as well.

In her head, it took forever, but in my head, I needed time. I did live with this guy for a few years. As much as I did want to be with her, I did cry over him. He was not only my boyfriend, he was also my friend. So, leaving all that, and trusting somebody new, although I wanted to, was tough.

'Came out to my dad'

I found that with the breakup, I needed some time to heal. But I suppose I was healing in front of her, so that kind of pissed her off. She knew what she wanted, I didn’t. She didn’t have the time to coax me.

So the dynamics kind of changed when I was with her. I don’t know why and what triggered it, partly me, partly her, partly the both of us. But as I had then left my ex-boyfriend and moved in with her, she allowed me to continue staying with her while she went out with this guy she liked.

I didn’t have any choice, and felt alone again. I came out to my dad after the debacle with my then ex-boyfriend.

My dad was upset, but not angry. He is not that kind of person who would be angry, but he was upset because every father wants to see his daughter walk down the aisle and get married.

He had already met my then boyfriend, and he never liked him. I explained all the troubles that I had in that relationship.

I told my dad that I could always have a relationship with a guy, get married, but never be happy. I knew to count on his melancholic, romantic side, because I knew he would want me to be happy. He’s still so in love with my mum, so I banked on that.

I reminded him that I could please everybody, follow the norm, but I will not be happy. I will not be in love and that would eventually show in my possibly raising the kids wrongly, and possibly not making the guy happy. So, eventually he agreed and understood what I was feeling.

I suppose every now and then he gets a little bit edgy, because my aunts and uncles are always asking, “When is she getting married?” My dad acts bravely and pushes these questions aside.

He has never told anyone about my sexual orientation, but he has defended me a lot. I thank him for that.

My mother is a funny one. When I came out to her, she didn’t really understand. Later, she would go on to tell me about Ellen DeGeneres and her girlfriend getting married, and asked me, “Why are they like that?”

It would make me laugh and I’d remind her, “I just told you about my girlfriend and I.” I don’t think she fully understands it all still, but I think she has accepted that there are people like that, like me.

'I am lesbian'

I think I am gay, I am lesbian. I fancy women, and I am attracted to women.

I suppose being in my line of work, I have come out to a lot of people; I don’t really see the need to be in the closet. It was only tricky because my then partner was in public service, so she would feel uncomfortable if people knew we were a couple.

I wasn’t asking her to go out and shout about it, but every now and then, it would have been nice to spend time together as a couple, outside of the house.

We did things together, but whenever there were activities that might involve bumping into her workmates, I was always told not to come along, leave, keep low-key or disappear.

It was hard for me, and I hated it. I didn’t see a solution to it, though. To some extent, at that point, I felt, “You’re old enough; you should be secure enough in your job, and these things shouldn’t matter.”

My previous boss started treating me differently when I came out to him. He started asking me if I liked any and every girl he spotted. I was like, “Give it a rest man, I’m not a guy! I don’t look and stare at women like fresh meat. You do!”

Some of my workmates took a little longer to accept it. For the first couple of days, I was a little cheesed off but eventually thought, “Nobody understands this.”

“I cannot expect them to accept me; I cannot waste my time getting mad, or upset.” Eventually they came around in a very supportive way, I must say; if not openly, they did support me silently.

At my current workplace, I am treated differently; I am treated better than other employees. My boss seems to have a liking for gay people.

So, she gives me extra allowances, allows me the flexibility I need, and she always checks with me if I am okay to travel, because of my relationship with my partner and the demands that came with it.

Between me and God

It is a very different thing for me, to have that kind of understanding and acceptance, to have that kind of respect. It’s a breath of fresh air and very nice.

I am a Roman Catholic, and I like my religion, to a certain extent. There are very different aspects in life along with my sexuality that has made me have different views towards my religion.

I came out to my priest during confession, and he said, “We all sin every day, and even I do. So, you can look at it that way.”

“If you are a good person, you do your best in everything in life. It doesn’t matter what you do sexually; that is your own choice, and you shouldn’t be judged.

“Your relationship is with God, if you believe in God, forget about what other people think of you.”

I suppose it’s all part of growing up and being exposed to different experiences, things and views, plus coming in contact with different people.

My expectations and perceptions have changed, and I am forming my own thoughts, views and eventually becoming more me.

This is just one of the many stories featured in 'Mata Hati Kita - The Eyes of Our Hearts' edited by Angela M Kuga Thas and Jac sm Kee, a collection which invites readers to witness the lives of lesbians, bisexual women and transgenders, and which speaks of our shared struggles of being human, of loving, of living for oneself and of living for others. Contributors have chosen to remain anonymous.

'Mata Hati Kita' can be purchased at Gerakbudaya's PJ bookstore, online at www.gerakbudaya.com and is soon to be released in eBook format at www.gerakbudayaebooks.com.