If given a wish, G Sara Lily only wants one thing. To hear her son's voice again.

Since her son G Francis Udayappan went missing from police custody, the mother of two has been wavering between fantasy and reality over the past 18 months.

"I often wish everything would just go back as they were. At times, what I wish to hear most is Francis' voice, telling me 'Ma. I'm home'," she said when met at her house in Sentul Pasar, Kuala Lumpur.

Most of the time, however, Sara Lily is in turmoil, fearing that her only son is dead.

"Often people at work ask me, when they come upon me crying by myself, what the matter is. I don't know how to tell them. It's as if I've lost my ability to see the world (in any good light). There is no happiness in this house, anymore," she said amid sobs.

'A good son'

Francis, 24, was arrested on April 14 last year, two days after his engagement, in connection with a petty theft case. He was then detained at the Brickfields police headquarters.

The next day, he called to tell his mother not to worry and that he would be released soon. However, things took an unexpected turn.

Twenty-four hours later, the police claimed Francis had fled from custody and jumped into the nearby Klang river.

Sara Lily subsequently accused the police of assaulting her son to death but an internal investigation found no elements of foul play.

A month later, the decomposing remains of a man were retrieved from the river. Sara Lily identified this as her son but DNA tests failed to reveal a match with samples that she and her former husband provided. However, the grieving mother is far from convinced.

An inquest is underway to determine the identity of the body. A chemist from the chemistry department has testified to striking similarities between Francis and the unidentified body.

"If my son was killed in a motorcycle accident, or something similar, that I can take. If he was a bad person and was killed, even that is acceptable. But he was such a good son, a good boy..." said Sara Lily.

Despite enduring the tragic events over the past year, Sara Lily's eyes lit up whenever she recalled what Francis was like as a child.

"He was always rushing about, climbing here and there, running around, jumping up and down furniture, speeding around on his bicycle. He was also always talking, going on about this or that topic. He laughed a lot.

"Even as he got older, he didn't change very much. He was still constantly moving, always talking, always cracking jokes, making other people laugh.

"He had a lot of friends. At one moment, he'd be dancing away to something on TV or the stereo. The next moment, he'd be poking my ribs or (wrestle with) his siblings or friends," she said revealing the close bond they shared.

Afraid of water

According to her, the only times he refused to join his friends or family were outings to go swimming.

She pointed to a picture of a 12- year-old Francis, during an outing to Templer's Park in Rawang, standing fully clothed on rocks in a stream.

"He has always been afraid of deep water...perhaps because of the time when he was small. Some friends pushed him into the deep end of a stream, and he struggled to keep his head up and breathe, flailing his arms about trying to get some air.

"Ever since then, he has refused to go swimming with us or anybody else. Whenever his friends or relatives ask him to go swimming, like to a beach or something, he would refuse. He has never liked the sea. He would tell me, 'No, Ma, I'm not going. I don't want to go. No, you all go. I don't want to swim.'"

Sara Lily said her son also had a great sense of humour. Among the things she misses most about him, were his tenderness and concern for her.

"Because we were so close, laughing and talking together, people would often ask if I was his older sister. They were always surprised when I told them I'm his mother.

"When we're at the shops, he'd ask me if I liked a particular dress. 'You like this, Ma? Why don't you buy this for yourself, Ma, it looks good on you. Can I buy it for you, Ma?'"

She said Francis had quit school at Form 2 in order to supplement her income. She currently works as a tea-lady in a construction company in Kuala Lumpur.

"He would also be asking me constantly, 'Ma, are you okay? Have you eaten? Are you well? Have you gone to the hospital? How much money do you have? Do you want me to go to the ATM and take out money for you? Where are you going? Can I take you there? Can I take you home?' He would call me at least 10 times a day on the phone, " she recalled with a smile.

But tears began to stream down once again when she recounted his last words.

"Even that last phone call from the police station, he called to tell me he was all right, that he would be released the next day," she said

"Right now, I ask only one thing. That I can say prayers over my son. Just let me bury my son and be able to pray for the repose of his soul. That's all I want," she added.