What happens if you're in your 30s, single (it doesn't matter if you are widowed, divorced or tak laku ), an observant Muslim and horny?

Depending on the individual, arousal can be a daily occurrence or an occasional interruption. However when it happens, the individual swings from one extreme to the other:

You'll have the very sexy devil winking at you, whispering very naughty thoughts and assuring you that just this once, God will close His eyes, and really it's only just this once, you can taubat later and whip yourself dead after a night of pleasure

Or

You can't, because it's sinful to have sex before marriage, and you don't dare because God can see you and you're scared to wake up finding your private parts shrivelled and dismembered via Divine Punishment.

But oh dear God, for the life of you, you're so damned randy that you're beginning to eye the cicak on your ceiling lasciviously.

Halal and haram

For observant Muslims, it all boils down to what is sinful or not. The flesh may be weak, but the conscience is stronger. Besides, dating in KL can be hazardous for your mental health. Be you man or woman and Muslim, if you are divorced, people tend to view you in a skewed way. While it's easier for a thrice divorced man to catch an impressionable and flighty young girl, it's tough for divorced women. We have to deal with the misguided perception that because we're jandas, we're gagging for it (we may be randy, but nobody wants to do it with YOU).

Then the questions as to why you're single in your thirties. This goes for all Malaysians there must be something wrong with you if you're not shacked up with a partner by your mid-30s. You just never win. Nobody seems to believe or understand that your vow of celibacy is for all the right reasons, and when you tell people why you aren't sexually active, they look at you pityingly. Or think that you're making things up, because adults have sex. And when adults have been married before, it's abnormal to not want to have sex.

Finally, the scene itself is frightening. Sexually empowered friends that are not afraid of God's wrath try to educate their pious friends on the latest developments in romance.

There's the f**k buddy, the friends-with-benefits, the old faithful one nighter, the practical fling, God, it's the Wild Wild West in this city.

Timid and recently single professionals can't even get past coffee, and they have to face these options. It's no longer a matter of sin and virtue, it's too damned confusing. All this for a decent conversation? Forget it. We'd rather buy a DVD.

Apart from the bewildering dating scene in KL, sexual abstinence prior to marriage is an option because they (the men) feel that premarital sex ruins the institution of marriage and that "... when you have XX partners, you tend to compare them. And it wouldn't be fair to your wife."

"Also, I mean this is relevant to Muslims only, but I observed that when Muslims get involved in ... you know... their lives are never settled. Or happy."

For some that had sex before marriage, turning to abstinence is not only to obey God's law, but also they want to do it right this time around, should they remarry.

"I just can't. The guilt will kill me. I have to think of halal and haram. Call me a prude, but God's law comes first. But oh boy! When it comes"

Save these men!

One of the things I discovered from my conversations with friends is that most of my male Muslim friends are celibate. When my girlfriends and I found out about that, we did a double take. We're talking about KL men, for heaven's sake.

Call this sexist, but don't men sleep with anything that comes in sight?

Didn't they have nafs ? Desire?

"Of course we have desire. It's normal right, to have those feelings," GS said over tea.

"You mean, you haven't had sex since your divorce?" I asked.

He nodded balefully.

I had to sit down. This was stunning for a man. Everyone knows that men can't control their second heads. They're led by them.

"You mean you haven't done it at all?" I whispered.

"Eh hello, you think all men are perverts ke ? I was a virgin when I got married, okay?"

I gaped.

"Woman virgin, can. MAN virgin, aiseh, I got to sit down first lah," I said.

"What, you think only women virgin ke? Laki pun ada virgin tau !"

I had to ask: "So how did you know how to do it? I understand women just lying on the bed"

"Oi, there's porn okay? There's the Internet too. And I have married friends! As if you've never read Permata Yang Hilang ."

For those that are not enlightened, Permata Yang Hilang The Lost Diamond is a Malay sex manual that has pencil drawings of a man and woman in black leotards having sex. Throw in First Form biology from which we learned about sex from frogs and worms into the mixture, and you have a recipe for sexual mayhem. No wonder Ops Skodeng VCDs are popular on the black market. If not, we'd be doing it with frogs and worms wearing leotards and tutu skirts.

You know that saying 'trouble comes in threes'? Meaning to say that when one thing happens, everything else follows and from that confession, I met more male friends that were virgins when they married, are still single and virgins, and are born again virgins upon a death or divorce of a spouse.

My my girls, look at what we have here. Ladies, if you're reading this, don't you dare tell your gay friends. The market is already shrinking. We cannot let these men go.

The Joys of Going Solo. Not.

Is masturbation allowed in Islam?

No.

Most of the Islamic schools of thoughts prohibit masturbation. At the website www.zawaj.com , it is mentioned that Hanbali jurists permit masturbation only under two conditions: first, the fear of committing fornication or adultery, and second, not having the means to marry.

In the same site too, "Sheikh Yusuf Al-Qaradawi comments in The Lawful and the Prohibited in Islam:

We are inclined to accept the opinion of Imam Ahmad in a situation in which there is sexual excitation and danger of committing the haram. For example, a young man has gone abroad to study or work, thereby encountering many temptations which he fears he will be unable to resist, may resort to this method of relieving sexual tension provided he does not do it excessively or make it into a habit.

Yet better than this is the Prophet's advice to the Muslim youth who is unable to marry, namely, that he seek help through frequent fasting, for fasting nurtures will-power, teaches control of desires, and strengthens the fear of Allah. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, is reported to have said, "O youth, whoever of you is able to marry, let him marry, for it spares one looking at what one should not, or lapsing in adultery. And if he cannot marry, let him observe fasting, for it is a shield against evil." (Reported by Muslim).

"

Weird, but in spite of fasting to stave off unwholesome desires, my male friends are getting fatter. Something's not right here.

It was this discovery that led to a helpful friend that lived and worked in Europe to seek relief for her hapless friends in Malaysia.

I found a huge box on my table at work one day and thought it was a belated birthday present. Imagine my shock when I found disposable vaginas in them, and a note saying, "Had to post it to you. They're for XXX. Tolong pass kay?"

Within seconds I received an sms from a friend (male of course): You have my things. I come pick up at your apt this eve.

I went home and my sisters and I took them out. This was research. For the ummah you know.

"It looks like a pipe," Nora said.

"Why couldn't he just have ordered a blow up doll?" we wondered. The contraption was not sexy, though it could be used three times before it had to be disposed of.

I called Europe. Why did she send it to Malaysiakini? Did she want me to be killed by Special Branch?

"You crazy?! I couldn't send it to your house knowing your mum. I couldn't send it to his house because I didn't know the address and I couldn't send it to his office because he works for a major corporation."

Uh-huh. Malaysiakini it had to be. Next time we get raided it won't be for our subversive activities, it'd be for the storage of adult toys. I won't get thumped by the government or my folks; it'd be Steven Gan that'll do me in.

Feels good

After the initial shock wore off for my female friends and I, it felt quite nice to know that there were one or two men that were decent blokes. You may disagree with celibacy and virginity, but there is something romantic about these old-fashioned values.

Celibacy is not only confined to straight men. A gay friend that had completed the Hajj confided that his days of wooing men were over. The past was the past.

I had to ask.

" Alamak yang there's always temptation! Ever since I got back, the boys are sweeter!"

So what do you do?

"I fantasise-lah! I fantasise-fantasise s ampai I pening kepala ."

And sometimes, you get a shock from the most unlikely of men.

"I'm not a virgin you know," X said seriously.

I stared. "YOU? No no, you're a virgin."

"No really. But I only did it once."

"What?"

"I did it once with my girlfriend and after that I was so consumed by guilt I never did it again."

I gaped.

"She wasn't Muslim, so I said it was okay if she had other boyfriends, and she did, so shortly after that, everything fell apart."

I wanted to ask, was it good for you, but I didn't.

I tell you, some of my male friends, they come up with real classics.

Yes, it is 2006. We're supposed to be above things like virginity, celibacy, piety and so forth. Old fashioned values such as the mentioned so not in keeping with the times, so we say. Yet in a time when life is so fast-paced, when the lines between genders get blurred, it's nice to know that there are a few good men left out there.

Is sex sinful in Islam? No. But that's another story for another day.

I know it's not kosher to say this, but I'll say it anyway. Have a good Valentine's Day!

Glossary:

Tak laku - romantically unpopular with the opposite (or same) sex

Cicak - house lizard; gecko

I fantasise-fantasise sampai I pening kepala - I fantasise until I get a headache

DINA ZAMAN barely survived her first swimming class.