One weekend I put on my happy hat, my tee-shirt lusuh (old) and yoga pants to visit my best friend, Mrs. Scott. I brought cakes and magazines, drove to her house, got out and was bowled over by her two dogs, Lucky and Lady.

Ever since my friend became a mother to a young infant, her dogs, which normally don't bother to look up from their spot at the back of the house, have been deprived of attention. If before they ignored a would-be interloper (yes, they didn't bark when a robber tried picking at the locks a few years back), now, anyone that visited the house was a long lost beloved friend.

Neurotic dogs

" Alamak Dina! Sorry! You dumb dogs, get off Aunty Dina! Aiyoh , if you want to samak , you can use the earth from my garden!" my friend shouted from the balcony.

Her father rushed over to chase away the dogs and help pick up the cakes. Uncle Rai was in his usual dhoti with amulets around his neck.

"Hello my lovely, how are your parents? Aiyoyo , so sayang all those cakes, smashed. You want to samak now or later?"

"Don't worry, don't worry, Uncle I'm okay" I hobbled to the garden to clean myself up.

My best friend from school is half Chinese and half Indian. She is Catholic and practises Feng Shui, Reiki, homeopathy, aromatherapy. Her husband is English and agnostic. Her father is a devout Hindu and a great believer in fortune tellers. Her brother is the joker in the family and working abroad. We all came from Terengganu, to live and work here.

"Hey! If you want more earth, you can use the shovel to cangkul it! I got lots of earth!" she yelled from the house.

"I don't need that much pasir lah," I shouted back.

The story today isn't about Muslim cleansing rituals samak and neurotic dogs. Frankly, I'm indifferent to them; I love cats and find chickens and goats more fun than the canine species. It's about my tiny life with my friends and my family, and how blessed I am to have non-Muslim friends (God, I hate that phrase non-Muslim I don't choose friends based on their race and religion but for this article, it's the next best adjective) that have been there for me throughout the years.

I suppose I'm writing this because of what's happening in this country scares me. You and I read the papers and online media; we have friends and acquaintances that express nationalistic/xenophobic sentiments, and as a writer, I get many emails from readers asking me to help make sense of this Malaysia. I usually offer a 0.5 sen worth of opinion because I myself don't have the answers.

It's an interesting time to be a Muslim in Malaysia. You're viewed by your own kind and others in various manner: either you're a practising/liberal/confused/orthodox Muslim or an apostate. And of course, during these tense times, you're not viewed favourably at all. From shaving the heads of old Chinese men that wanted to just have some Gong Xi Fa Cai fun to incurring the wrath of non-Muslims on attire, and then fighting over the volume of the call to prayers (azan) and demolishing churches and temples, my God, people must think we Malaysians are living in a circus with no grandmaster to whip us into shape.

I walk about the city and I see this: more young people grouped among their own race. Young Malay kids on one side, trendy Chinese kids whooping it up on the other and impressionable Indian teenagers speaking ebonics and wearing winter clothes in tropical weather. My sister who is a teacher, tells me the same happens at school. Among students, teachers What have we created in our pursuit of modern, progressive, wealthy Malaysia?

While many Malays have benefited from the NEP, we have also fallen victim to it by becoming dependent on government assistance; we are more divided today by an instrument that was meant to unite us. Among Muslims, we are more splintered than ever before: tariqat groups, groups based on different schools of thought, politically and economically based cliques.

Strength

I asked Idlan once whether she lived in the graduate hall at Lancaster University and she said no, she lived with Malay-Malaysians in a house on the outskirts of the city. Why, I asked her. You go all the way to the UK and live with a bunch of Malaysians? You can do that at home!

"It's because of religion. I'm scared if I stayed away I'll forget God. My housemates are good people. I don't think I'd be strong enough if I was out on my own. Lalai. "

Different strokes for different people, but I thought that was odd. If you have God in your heart, and you are certain and very sure of what is right and wrong, you can be anywhere and with anyone and yet still be a practising Muslim.

Maybe that's why we're in such a turmoil, we Muslim Malaysians. We are scared, we are insecure, thus we separate ourselves from the rest of the world.

Then again not. We do have many moderate and progressive Muslims that want the best not only for the religion but also the nation. But is the number too small or are we not vocal enough? Are we not doing enough?

I have been incapacitated for a few months now, and don't worry, I am well taken care of. My Malay friends offer me great support, but I admit I am touched by my non-Muslims friends that text me encouraging notes "Goin to church, will say a lil prayer 4 u" though a recent incident between two queens stays fresh on my mind:

Psychic B: Aiyo Dina, I just went to the temple just now.

Dina: What? For what?

Psychic B: Atcho darling, the sami said you must feed the crows every morning if not a black dog

Dina: Huh? There are no crows here! No dogs!

Psychic B: How about throwing beras kunyit around your house?

Dina: My mum will kill me.

When I told the other queen, Auntie Rubie about this conversation, he had a fit and went to see HIS sami instead.

Auntie Rubie: Dina! Adinda!

Dina (groggy): Huuh?

Auntie Rubie: Bangun, bangun , I just saw this fortune teller and went to check our fates. After March 2006, we will have great happiness in our lives! That bloody fellow Psychic B ah, calls himself spiritual, goes and tells you rubbish about beras kunyit and black dogs. That's probably for him, because he got so much suey . You don't worry, darling, you'll be well.

Dina: Thank you.

Auntie Rubie: This fortune teller is very accurate. He even predicted the date of our deaths. You want?

Dina: NO!

Questions I ask myself

I was once told by a very smart person that I view as an intellectual (and frightens the hell out of me) that I was a product of middle to upper middle class sensibility with liberal Islamic views.

Cor.

Me?

I had to scratch my head over that one.

If my family's so liberal, I wouldn't be greeted by my mother reading the Quran each evening when I get back from work, would I?

I wouldn't be going to sleep to the soothing sounds my father reciting the Yaasin every night would I?

Could it be that there is this perception that Muslims don't mix around with non-Muslims? That those that did so came from urban families, went to good local and overseas universities and had good and well-paying jobs, ergo, they were liberal Muslims that broke away from the mould? And that progressive Muslims don't adhere to rituals anymore?

I see a lot of mingling around in Terengganu and Kelantan. In fact, the Chinese in Terengganu speak the local dialect fluently and aren't seen as 'the other'. Sigh. Maybe my eyes are not what they used to be. And maybe, I'm too idealistic.

Does this mean I can't be a Muslim and have Catholic/Hindu/Buddhist friends too? I can't visit the homes of those that own dogs also? Hang on a mo - my uncle's late father was the mufti of Terengganu and bless his soul, but he kept dogs.

This labelling frightens me. When you perceive something or someone as such and such, so and so, you give birth to that vision, so if you see a monster, it will be one.

I am sure that there are many friendships like mine, with parties respecting each other's beliefs and values. From my friendships, I'd like to think that we have learned a lot about each other - painful topics about race, polygamy, religion have been debated on, and yes sometimes resentment is expressed. This honesty cannot be bought.

On days that remind me of spring, I remember my English vegetarian flatmate that once served me a boiled carrot to break my fast during Ramadhan. I haven't been too keen on carrots after that though. My flatmates cheered me on when I broke my fast. Yeah, it was an exotic treat for them.

I believe that there is (some) hope left.

I think.

Glossary:

Samak - cleansing ritual using sand/earth

Cangkul - dig

Pasir - earth

Lalai - careless

Sami - Priest

Adinda - Little sister

Bangun - Wake up

Beras kunyit - yellow rice. Used for exorcism, spiritual healing; also cooked as nasi kunyit which is then eaten with rendang daging, a spicy meat dish. Yum.

Suey - bad luck

DINA ZAMAN lives in Kuala Lumpur with her family.