Hi there. Got a question for you: what's with Muslim men in Malaysia who cheat on their wives?

You know, when I became a Muslim I knew it was the right choice for me, but I didn't harbour any illusions that Muslims would always live up to their billing as "the best of people." Let's face it, there are Muslims out there doing some pretty nasty things, like preaching hatred and violence, and even killing innocent people, all in the name of God.

One of the things I really liked about Malaysia was the general absence of such things. And perhaps because of my initial positive impression of Malaysia - and despite my lack of naive illusions of what kind of people Muslims were - I was naive enough to think that maybe, when I moved to Malaysia, I would see less marital infidelity than in Canada. Cheating is fairly widespread in my home and native land, but I really did expect Malaysian Muslimsgenerally more religious than the average Canadian and more conservative at thatto be a more loyal lot. Silly me.

Now don't get me wrong

Of course, I'm not suggesting that all Muslim men in Malaysia cheat on their wives, nor am I suggesting that even a majority of them do it. Maybe, in the grand scheme of things, the number is actually pretty small. But small though it may be, it still jumps out at me. Because it should be smaller. Much smaller. As in zero. And it's not nearly close enough to zero.

Now before some of the men out there begin to get all huffy and puffy - which is OK because really the only men who should feel that way are the cheaters and I don't care if I piss them off - I should point something out: I feel for you, brothers. Really, I do. It's not always easy being a man. In this increasingly politically-correct world, we nonetheless seem to be fair game for comments and jokes that would draw serious criticism if directed towards women. We're expected to smile and accept abuse from people who forget feminism is supposed to be about believing there's nothing wrong with being a woman; instead, they think it's all about believing there's something wrong with being a man.

I hear it all the time: women complaining about men. About how we're all idiots, we're all bastards. I speak up for men because well, because I'm a man. I'm not Malay but I also stick up for Malay men, who I think get a pretty raw deal. Even my own wife frequently complains about Malay men and says she'd never marry one because of their old-fashioned ideas and expectations of the woman's role in a marriage. Just as a few nasty Mat Salleh men who lure innocent Malay girls into lives of sin can really ruin things for other Mat Salleh men, it seems that just because of a few rotten, cheating Malay men, many Malay women think all of the males of their culture - and sometimes even all of the men in this great big world - are bad.

Of course I think that's rubbish. I think we men get a bum rap. There's nothing wrong with being a man. Seriously, ladies: I'm happy to jump on the 'let's complain about the things men do' train, but I jump off when it chugs into 'all men are pigs' territory. All men are not pigs, or idiots, or whatever. We are what we are, like it or not. I don't think 'will never be attracted to another woman' is a realistic trait to look for in a husband, because a man who will never be attracted to other women probably won't be attracted to you in the first place, because he probably isn't attracted to women at all. Just being honest here. I love my darling wife and hold her in higher regard than anyone else in this world, but I'd be a big fat liar if I said I've never felt some kind of physical attractionhowever fleeting--to other women. No, I don't think being a good husband necessarily means never being attracted to other women. I think it means having enough love and respect for your wife to do the right thing despite the presence of such attractions and distractions.

Ay, there's the rub and sometimes more than just a rub. It seems some Muslim men out there forget about that Qur'anic injunction to 'lower their gazes.' They acknowledge and appreciate the physical realities of their manhood and expect women to acknowledge and appreciate it as well but then they neglect the responsibility they have as Muslims to control their lust. Some merely ogle, but others give in to their lust completely and pursue physical relationships with other women.

Some of those unfaithful husbands try to justify their cheating by invoking the Muslim man's right to take more than one wife, but to me that's just a shameful attempt to dress cheating up and pretend it's something prettier than it usually ends up being. Don't get me wrong here, I'm actually OK with polygamy (gasp!). As much as a lot of feminists and others may be uncomfortable with it, it is allowed in our religion. It's not my cup of tea, but as far as I'm concerned, if a man wants to take a second wife and his first wife is totally OK with it, then nobody should be able to tell them it's wrong. But there's the problem: how often are those first wives totally OK with it? And, if they're not, how many husbands just go ahead and do it anyway?

Respect?

Just as men who cheat forget the role that self-control must play in their daily lives as Muslims, men who practice polygamy without due respect to their wives forget that they have been commanded to treat them with justice and fairness. Some men don't actually practice polygamy but still use their right to do so as a justification for chasing after women. Either way, perhaps they can somehow convince themselves that what they're doing is halal, but in the end it's still just cheating. And don't even get me started on misyar marriage.

OK, so there are some Muslim men out there who behave badly. Still, I'll continue to rise to the defence of my fellow men when women make dodgy anti-male generalisations. And I'll still defend Malay men when a lot of the women I know accuse them of being so gatal . But brothers, give me a hand here. While I'm speaking out in your defence, some of you are making those generalisations look a little less than dodgy. It doesn't help that even some of the men I point to as being the decent ones turn out to be cheaters too. I'm talking about people who are close to me, people who take it upon themselves to guide me in the faith when in fact they themselves can't seem to guide a certain part of their own bodies away from trouble. I'm beginning to feel like I'm being cheated.

Maybe I'm just one of those silly romantic types, but I often find myself just sitting there looking at my wife when she's doing something else and doesn't notice me, and I find myself thinking about how lucky I am, how I love her, how I know she and I are meant to be together. I wonder, then: do men who cheat lack the clarity such moments could bless them with? Did they ever really feel that real love in the first place? It's a love that you settle into. Not one that makes you hot, just warm and happy. Not one that comes fast and furious, but one that builds over time; one that you have to work atone that you want to work at. Do men cheat because they've never felt that way?

When all is said and done, though, I am still an optimist. Because I think that while some of us are indeed gatal, the rest of usmost of us, I should hopeare working hard to remember our duties as Muslim men and to meet our responsibilities to the best of our abilities. Some women may think that we meneven the good ones--place too much importance on what's going on between our legs, and actually I think they're right. Because you know, it seems these days being a good man takes balls. So let's have a big round of applause for all the good men out there. And a nice loud boo for all the cheaters.

JORDAN MACVAY is a lecturer based in China.