I'm sad. So, so sad. I saw a politician, an ex-minister, the other day here in Sabah. He was driving his latest toy, a brand new sporty Mercedes. He was driving towards his multi-million ringgit house, oblivious to the family in rags at the side of the road, and the non-functioning street lights, never mind the potholed road.

As far as I am concerned, this politician sold the country by giving away fake identification cards to illegal immigrants. Rumour has it that he is being investigated, but I don't expect anything to come out of that investigation because the investigators themselves are most probably corrupted.

I studied hard for my degree, worked part-time in order to make ends meet while studying, obtained very good results, joined the civil service in order to contribute my skills towards the development of Malaysia. I am receiving a four-figure monthly salary.

Am I managing my monthly paycheck so terribly that I can only afford a holiday once in 10 years, and that my car has not changed in the last decade? That my shoes, handbag, clothes do not really match?

Food stuff and fuel prices have gone up. I buy the monthly food supplies, pay the utility bills, insurance, the mortgage for my terrace house, and whoooshh! the whole month's salary vanishes. This is on a graduate civil servant pay who has been in government service for donkey years. I wonder how my sister - who is an SPM holder earning a much lesser salary than me - gets by, what with her four school-going children and unemployed husband. It must be tough.

Forgive me if I am jumping from one topic to the other, but I am sad and I need to talk.

It's so clever of Minister in the Prime Minister's Department Mohd Nazri Aziz to distract everyone's attention away from the Crimea State Medical University issue by shouting 'racist' 41 times . He steered everyone away from the pertinent question brought about by the MIC representative.

And now that S Sothinathan has been suspended , is there anyone in the Barisan Nasional brave enough to bring up this issue again? With the suspension of Umno vice-president Isa Samad, the Crimea issue seems to have taken a back seat as far as the BN politicians are concerned.

I was going to mention the conferring of the title 'Datuk' on all and sundry, but I know it is a stale story . I don't even want to bother to think about it. I have finally resorted to calling everyone Datuk just in case, since there are so many being conferred each year.

You know how sensitive people are when you don't address them 'appropriately'. Do they deserve the title? Let's just say money talks and connections can get you anything in this country.

I often ask myself why am I still in this country, a civil servant for so many years. Maybe because I am being idealistic in that I think a beautiful Malaysia awaits somewhere in the future. I don't really know for sure.

The Malaysia Freedom Film Festival , the fact that women can be professors and hold key posts in the government and business, these pacify me a little. So, I am still here.

However, the presence of racism, discrimination, corruption, insecurity, disunity, charades, hypocrisy, spineless civil servants and politicians, banana republic attitudes all spoil Malaysia. How long can I stay in this country? I'm not sure.

One thing for sure, I am disillusioned, and I'm sure so are many other Malaysians like me, who are making an honest living in a dishonest and corrupt system.