BOOK EXCERPTS The following are excerpts from newly-released book ‘Unbelievably Stupid Too!’ by Kee Thuan Chye.

Toyo the zero

In 2002, when he was menteri besar of Selangor, Mohamad Khir Toyo announced his plan to make Selangor a “zero Opposition” state. Six years later, in the 2008 general election, Selangor fell to the opposition!

BN suffered its worst defeat there, winning only five of the 22 parliamentary seats and 20 of the 56 state seats. Khir Toyo was the MB. He became the state’s opposition leader!

One-and-a-half months after the general election, Malaysiakini reported Khir Toyo as saying that he knew all along before March 8 that BN would suffer heavy losses. It prompted a blogger to remark, “Now, tell me, if he really knew that... how come we heard him shouting about zero opposition for Selangor prior to the event?”

In December 2010, Khir Toyo stepped down as Selangor opposition leader after being charged with corruption.

Thailand and Philippines are like s**t!

In May 2002, when he was launching a forum organised by the National Union of Journalists (NUJ), parliamentary secretary to the Information Ministry Zainuddin Maidin took a swipe at journalists from Thailand and the Philippines for trying to propagate press freedom to Malaysian journalists.

“Who are they to come here and lecture us on press freedom?” he railed. “They are being used as agents of the Western media imperialists. Their countries are like s**t. They dream to be like us. They are missionary writers sent out to propagate the Western media agenda in our countries.”

Their countries are like s**t and they dream of becoming like us? Who the hell was Zainuddin to talk like that about our Asean partners? No sense of decorum as a public official.

Full stomachs, less press freedom!

A year later, at another NUJ forum, Zainuddin Maidin was still maligning Filipino journalists and now Indonesian ones as well.

“The Indonesians and Filipinos don’t even have enough to fill their stomachs,” he pontificated with disdain. “Who are they to lecture us on press freedom? We are more qualified because we have full stomachs.”

Was that his brain talking or his stomach?

Well, as it happened, in the press-freedom index then just launched by the French-based Reporteurs Sans Frontieres, Malaysia was placed in the 110th position - way below Indonesia (57th), Thailand (65th) and the Philippines (89th).

Finland, Iceland, Norway and the Netherlands tied for first place. Perhaps the stomachs of their citizens were empty?

Karpal could be Malaysia’s first president!

In July 2013, BN was rather jittery when it had to contest the first by-election since GE13. It was for the state seat of Kuala Besut in Terengganu, the state BN had won in May by only one seat, securing 17 to Pakatan Rakyat’s 15.

If BN were to lose to PAS at this by-election, there would be a hung state assembly.

So the voters, 99 percent of whom were Malays, got a warning from the then-deputy agriculture and agro-based industries minister, Tajuddin Abdul Rahman, that clearly showed BN’s anxiety.

The message was: Don’t vote for PAS for if PAS should win, it would be manipulated by the DAP, and Karpal Singh ( photo ) could be Malaysia’s first president!

“The sultan is the head of our religion. The Agong is a Muslim. If we become a republic, Karpal Singh then becomes the president. He would be your chief. Can this be? Can Karpal Singh be the head of Islam? No!” he blustered.

An idiotic spin aimed at the simple-minded, surely. For how could Malaysia possibly become a republic so easily and Karpal become its president?

In any case, this was just a by-election, and BN had already won the general election two months before. Okay, so maybe Tajuddin was thinking of GE14 but then let’s consider this. How could the federal constitution be so drastically changed to boot out the Malay rulers, unseat the Yang di-Pertuan Agong? Would the DAP even dream of doing it?

The DAP is not that stupid. A change like that would cause an uprising. Besides, would PKR and PAS allow it?

Tajuddin was speaking through his nether orifice!

How could anyone who said such a ridiculous thing be a supreme council member of Umno? But then again, why not?

Navy chief’s 1511 joke

In November 2012, the Royal Malaysian Navy chief, Admiral Abdul Aziz Jaafar, was trying to justify Malaysia’s controversial purchase of two French-made Scorpene submarines in 2002 at the exorbitant sum of RM3.4 billion.

He said the move was to prevent a repeat of the ‘1511 episode’ when the Portuguese armada attacked and captured Malacca.

Was he kidding? Does this analogy still apply in this day and age? Who would want to attack Malacca today, and why? For its Nyonya food? Wouldn’t they attack by air instead? If there were Portuguese men-of-war in the Straits of Malacca, they must have laughed.

Someone commented on social media: “It took the government 501 years after the Portuguese attack on Malacca to buy the two submarines. That must be the biggest joke of all time.”

Another wrote: “If we have people of this calibre and mentality helming RMN, we (will) lose the war before it even starts.”

So sad she’s getting so much flak!

In 2013, the massive amounts spent on Najib Razak’s overseas trips and top leaders’ use of the government’s private planes came to public attention, highlighted by the opposition.

DAP’s Seremban MP, Anthony Loke, asked in Parliament how much the government spent on the usage and maintenance of its six private planes. In a written reply, Minister in the Prime Minister’s Department Shahidan Kassim revealed that in 2012 alone, a total of RM182 million was spent on 372 flights to 339 destinations.

“This is another form of wastage by the government,” Loke commented to the media on Nov 7. He asked why the top leaders must use the private planes so often and pointed out that it was cheaper to take commercial flights, like Singapore Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong does.

“Even if they took business or first class, it would still be cheaper,” he added.

Less than two weeks later, on Nov 18, the issue of Najib’s wife, Rosmah Mansor, using the government’s private jet for a trip to Qatar came up.

“How can the prime minister’s wife use the government aircraft? We want to know the cost involved and how she is eligible for this,” asked PKR’s MP for Gombak, Azmin Ali, in Parliament.

Shahidan replied, “She must get approval from the cabinet. If we agree that it is an important visit, then we will allow her to travel by private jet.”

Ah! But her husband chairs the cabinet, so isn’t there a conflict of interest?

Of course, Shahidan would not address that. He instead insisted that Rosmah was representing the country as she was delivering a keynote address at the Qatar International Business Women Forum in Doha, and it was in “the interest of the country” that she was allowed to use the private jet.

“Her visit was approved by the cabinet. You can bring it to any court in this world or next, no problem,” he arrogantly dared.

Two days later, on Nov 20, Shahidan again defended Rosmah but this time with emotion!

He told the media his feelings about the flak Rosmah was getting. “I am sad that everyone is hurling hatred at her,” he lamented.

He chided the media for being “unfair” in criticising her. “If you are so good, you try bringing investors here. You create so much hatred against her. Investors will be scared to come here.”

What??!! Why would investors turn away because the people hate the prime minister’s wife? Was Shahidan getting carried away by his emotions?

“How many investors can you bring to Malaysia?” he challenged. “None! She has done so much for the country for free. She has built this country.”

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!

Rosmah’s trip cost RM426,000

Four months later, in March 2014, Anthony Loke again ticked off Najib Razak for his lavish spending when he disclosed the official information he had obtained on the cost incurred in flying Rosmah to Qatar last November.

The amount was a whopping RM426,489.46.

It so happened that a few days earlier, Najib had advised the people to stop complaining about the rise in prices of goods and instead shop wisely, and to reinforce his point, he showed the media a chicken he himself had bought for RM1.

... Loke now whacked Najib for not walking the talk. “Where are his morals, asking the rakyat to buy RM1 chickens when his wife uses taxpayers’ money excessively?” he asked.

Loke also argued that if Rosmah had taken Qatar Airlines or Malaysia Airlines, the cost incurred would have been a minuscule fraction of the RM426,489.46.

That wasn’t all. What Loke revealed next got me rolling on the floor.

He said when he asked the Prime Minister’s Department for the total cost of Rosmah’s jet trip, its minister, Shahidan Kassim, disclosed that the amount was RM349,489.46, a total derived from RM196,614.31 in fuel costs plus RM229,875.15 in navigational costs.

However, when Loke added the two figures together, they didn’t total RM349,489.46.

“You just have to use the calculator and you would get RM426,489.46 as the total instead,” Loke remarked. “The answer given was therefore not professional, and it shows that ministers have problems with mathematics!”

Tsk Tsk! Simple maths also cannot get right.

How come Shahidan didn’t ensure that the figure was correct before sending it out? Perhaps he was still bogged down by the sadness he felt for Rosmah.

‘Unbelievably Stupid Too!’ is published by Gerakbudaya. It is now available in major bookstores except MPH.

Yesterday: Excerpts from ‘Unbelievably Stupid’

KEE THUAN CHYE is the author of ‘Unbelievably Stupid!’ and ‘Unbelievably Stupid Too!’