COMMENT They say that if you want to love what you do, you must do what you love. And that is something that I can testify to be true.

For there is no greater joy that calls out to me as a lover of words - spoken, written or recorded - than to get out of bed each day, and attend to my calling as a journalist.

But as much as it drew me in, working in journalism is actually a big stretch for me, for while it involves doing what I love, it also put me at odds with what I am.

To put it simply, I am pro-establishment.

I believe in the need for strong institutional governance. I believe that one must respect the establishment and our chosen leadership.

I believe that one is required to be loyal to one's country. I believe that our patriotic duty is to vouch for the safety of this land we call home.

The age of Hang Jebat

It caws at my throat to have to call for the censure of those who lead us. I recoil at the thought of having to decry the very institutions of governance.

It almost made me sick to have to call to account that which is part and parcel of our democratic establishment.

It physically pains me to have to despoil the dignity of our own government.

But I guess what kept me at peace, and helps me sleep at nights, is the realisation that institutions and establishments of governance can only be useful if they are backed up by accountability and propriety.

Two things that the powers that be now sorely lack, if they ever had it in the first place.

I have learnt that loyalty cannot be blindly given, but instead it must be earned.

As conservative as I am, I guess even I can see that the age of Hang Tuah is over, and the age of Hang Jebat is at hand.

No honour in Putrajaya

For when there is no longer any honour left in Putrajaya, then we the rakyat must look elsewhere. And indeed, take it upon ourselves to return whatever shred of decency that we can salvage, amidst all the rot.

I am still pro-establishment. And I will probably be so until the day that I die. For it is a part of who I am, and sits at the core of my being.

But how I express it, can change. How I show it, is not necessarily through fawning blind obedience, but through holding the very institutions of the establishment to account.

Yes, I am pro establishment. But only if they are honourable, dependable, accountable and responsible.

And, until the day that this is returned to the bosom of our Malaysian dream, I shall make it my business to paint our institutions as they are, warts and all, and hopefully do my small part in holding them to account.

I hope that each and everyone of the rakyat would do, too, each in their own way, for as much as I would love to depend on institutions and the establishment, sometimes we must take it upon ourselves to fight for that which is rightfully ours.

HAZLAN ZAKARIA is a member of the Malaysiakini Team.