I arrived at Le Casa Idlan, body too jetlagged to feel the cold, at approximately 1900 hours on Tuesday afternoon. It wasn't too bad a flight; none of the seats in my row were occupied, cue stretching of legs and lying down for almost the whole journey. The thirteen and a half hours seemed like a mere four, thanks to the miracle of modern medicine and Xanax.

And so, as I entered my boudoir, I did what was customary turned on the television. The Channel 4 News ran the headline: 100th British soldier killed in Iraq. A milestone no one wants to reach, a statistic no one wants to hear. It has been some 34 months since the war in Iraq began, and undoubtedly we see no end to the most selfish of all wars recent. The Allied troops say they will leave when Iraqi forces are able to stabilise the insurgents; the insurgents say they will fight until the Allied forces leave. Chicken, egg, and a nice pot of money for the cronies placed in the right places.

Addictions

Of course, this milestone pales in comparison to the number of Iraqi deaths, civilian or otherwise, since the invasion. It even pales in comparison to the number of American military personnel who have died in this war: 2242, as of January 29, 2006. But what everyone with half a conscience remembers and remembers well is that every one of these deaths seem needless. Pointless. Fighting a war based on false propositions, circumventing the United Nations, and propelled by nothing more than human greed. Ironic, it seems that President George W Bush demanded his fellow Americans to be less 'addicted' to oil in his State of the Union address when let's face it, this was what led him there in the first place.

I suppose some of my scant sympathy lies with the families of the British soldiers who have died, because of the overall climate regarding the war in Britain. Ask an American if he or she agrees with the war, odds are that they would say they believed it was the right thing to do, because it was to defend the liberty of their country. Especially so post 9-11, despite the lack of a concrete link between Saddam Hussein's regime and the alleged al-Qaeda network. The President has worked up such a climate of 'us against them' that many believe if they do not go to war, their very homes were under threat.

The general British outlook differs. Many believe Blair is misguided, playing pet poodle to Bush. Every time Bush says jump, Blair yaps how high, is the general sentiment. Many parents in Britain who have lost their children in come out and say that they believe their son or daughter's death was in vain, that it made no difference in the whole bigger picture. Even more so the parents of the eight British soldiers who were killed in friendly fire.

One parent, Reg Keys, lost his son Thomas near Basra and in response, ran against Tony Blair in the constituent of Sedgefield in the recent 2004 British elections. His speech on election night remains as one of the most poignant statements made against the war, complete with Blair's poker face response throughout.

What war is

Another, Walter Douglas, who lost his son Allan recently, was quoted in the newspapers as saying, his son was against the war. "He couldn't see the point of it but he thought it was his duty to be there and he had no choice." One would argue that with everything there is always a choice. But the limitations within which that choice could be exercised, is very much circumstantial.

The Guardian today ran statistics about the dead British soldiers in Iraq. The average casualty is 29, comes from the north of England and is married with one child. And he was killed in action only five deaths are not: 4 suicides and 1 soldier died of exhaustion. Also, seven of the hundred were teenagers. My teenage sister works the 11 to 7 shift at our local Pizza Hut. Someone else's teenager brother is dead.

I often think back to the early days of the invasion, when I was permanently glued to the BBC News. There were often interviews of these young soldiers, barely 18 or 19, sent to Iraq to 'serve their country'. Many were asked why they joined the army. "I came from a small town, there wasn't much else to do," was one reply. "I wanted to see the world," said another. I don't recall any answers to the tune of, "I want to protect my country." Maybe because their countries are so powerful, there isn't much to protect against. Intelligence reports show 9-11 could have been averted had the administration paid more attention. And if it was to protect their home and country, on couldn't help but wonder if that was better done had there been enough troops around in Louisiana to help during Hurricane Katrina. Acts of God and wraths of nature that's a much more concrete thing to defend one's country from.

This is the cold-blooded reality that we often avoid thinking about when it comes to war and its casualties behind the statistics, every death, be it American or British or even more sadly so, Iraqi, lies a life left unlived, a potential unfulfilled, a future cut short. Its one thing if you died fighting a cause you believed in, doing what you felt was right. Another when you knew it was all a fallacy; both your eyes wide open to your position as a pawn on a power play chess board contesting revenge for past defeats of people you don't quite care for.

I know this piece touched very little on the deaths of the Iraqi civilians, but lest you spam me with unsolicited advice, may I say that the death of every Iraqi, civilian or otherwise, is very much with me. How would you feel if your whole life was literally a proverb: out of the frying pan into the fire? The invasion of Iraq was made under the pretence of ridding the country of Saddam Hussein, dictator and former Western ally under whose regime the Iraqis suffered muchly. Sans Saddam in power (we can now see him in the sitcom that is his trial), how have Iraqi lives been bettered? They still live in fear, in hunger, in destitution. Really, how has anyone's lives changed for the better if your surname is not Bush, Cheney or a crony of either?

To be a soldier

I am not a total peacenik, because I believe there are some wars that need to be fought. But some wars are just needless and pointless, and when there is no point to it, it is hard to rally your troops to fight for the cause. Maybe some soldiers actually believe that by fighting in Iraq, their homeland is made safer. But for the most part, if this is not embedded in them; if there is no unshaken belief that the war is justified and right, then it is hard for them to fight justly.

In Pramoedya Ananta Toer's Keluarga Gerilya , the character Sa'aman tells his brother that in order to be a soldier, he needs to have strength, dignity and most of all, honesty. His brother asks him, why honesty? Sa'aman replies, because if you are honest, then you are not afraid to die. And only then would you be brave enough to die for the cause you believe in.

How many of the troops currently in Iraq American, British, Iraqi, whatever are honest and brave enough to die for the cause they believe in? Because at the end of the day, I firmly believe, the troop with that much clarity and honesty will be the troop that wins. Joining the army to see the world? Bah!

IDLAN ZAKARIA listens to music on Koss UR10 headphones, which are not bulletproof like her previous Senheisers. She welcomes marriage proposals at idlan@idlanzakaria.com .