There are certain things to which far too much respect and tolerance are given. These practices have been allowed to continue for way too long. What you are about to read is my totally objective list of merely seven of them. Feel free to gasp aloud in horror, and sin no more.

1. The recitation of the official titles of VIPs at the start of any speech: " Tan Sri-Tan Sri, Puan-Sri-Puan Sri, Datuk Seri-Datuk Seri, Datin Seri-Datin Seri, Datuk-Datuk, Datin-Datin " and of course the poor huddled proles who come right at the end: " Dan Tuan-tuan dan Puan-puan sekalian. " The occasion can be anything from a political party's general assembly to a primary school's open day. This long-winded sycophantic intro merely prepares the audience for a session of even greater soporific irrelevance, in which the pinned purple orchid sprigs on guests' lapels serve as the only amusement. Enough already.

2. The phrase "Black day". This has nothing to do with inclement weather but is a phrase that has been beaten to the ground by NGO-types whenever they want to protest against something. Not a news-worthy week goes by without someone "issuing a statement" about how we are currently experiencing a "black day" for the media, the judiciary, police accountability, democracy, good fashion sense and so on. The way these alarmists talk, you'd think that we were stumbling around in darkness all the time. This is indeed a black day for creative metaphors.

3. Forwarded e-mail. Some folks may seem outwardly rational. They can dress and feed themselves, and may even be able to walk and talk at the same time. But don't be fooled. These seemingly sane people are reduced to a criminal level of idiocy whenever they somehow gain access to modems. These are the cretins who will happily send off reams of jokes, homilies and cautionary tales via electronic means, often even without deleting the names of all previous recipients. The message header is invariably: "Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: You gotta read this!!!" Somewhere in the trough of their hearts, these misguided souls may feel that they are spreading sunshine into our own drab lives, but they are sadistic pests and should be spanked severely.

4. Record-breakers and visionary concepts. The longest capati and the K-economy, the biggest greeting card and the new millennium: the records and the concepts melt into each other to create a surreal montage. It's a toss-up, but I now believe that the people who throw slogans around are far more foolish and dangerous. I secretly love the fact that there are a few eccentric Malaysians who want to build the largest blue songkok . As long as they don't use public funds, they are welcome to have their fun. But the people who spew forward-sounding concepts are the real spoilsports. They insist on a patina of intellectual respectability but are far less serious.

5. Uniformity. Punch-cards and name-tags are useful and egalitarian. But many other attempts to get Malaysians to be more alike than unalike (from bahasa baku to political affiliation) are simply caused by policy-makers who have nothing better to do with their time. Getting each hotel worker to greet guests with one hand over the heart seems more like an excuse for a politician to issue a press statement than anything else. We already have enough press articles which say things like, "He was speaking to reporters after __________ (fill in the blank)".

6. The phrase "so-called." Reactionaries and liberals are both fond of complaining about various "so-called" this and that. The lowest form of sarcasm, after which you can collapse in laughter with your like-minded friends, convinced that you've made your point. It needs only a clear-eyed intellectual such as myself to point out that government types who complain about "so-called experts in the foreign media" are also given to pretensions of expertise about other countries, and NGO-types who whinge about "so-called moral guardians" do in fact use a stern brand of morality to propagate their own cause. What a bunch of hypocrites.

7. Phone operators who insist on asking: "Where are you from?" right after you've introduced yourself and asked to be connected to somebody. For those of us lucky enough to have no fixed abode or job, this question can be very annoying. The idea that all people have to necessarily represent or speak for an organisation is merely the latest in a series of assaults on individual autonomy. It's enough to make you declare a black day.