Many of the things we say and do during the course of our daily lives can be really annoying. These pronouncements and deeds may not be exclusive to Malaysians but some have acquired a distinctly local flavour. I am not immune from committing some of these crimes against good reason, but I always make sure to kick myself for them, at least mentally.

As a civic-conscious individual, I feel that we should all refrain from making too many trips into the realm of the senseless. I will list just five of the most vertiginously vapid things that are probably being said and done at this very moment. Read 'em and gasp. And pray that the forces of unreason do not come and take us all away.

1. Tearing up bank cheques into itty-bitty pieces after you did something horribly wrong like forget how your signature goes. It's not enough for the cheques to be torn into two or four pieces. Oh no, that wouldn't be nearly "safe" enough. You never know if someone could be despicable enough to painstakingly glue the pieces together just to gain access to all the millions you have stashed away. You have to make sure the paper is reduced to confetti which you then distribute into several different bins, don't you? Cease at once! Petty paranoia is never nice to look at.

2. "Where did you put it?" Probably the five most annoying words in the English language. We can always count on someone to ask this question after we wailingly sob that we have just misplaced something. Please! The next time you are seized by the urge to utter these words, stop for a moment and think. If we knew where we put the damn thing, we wouldn't exactly be tearing up the house while looking for it, would we now?

3. In the lobby, incessantly pressing the glowing elevator button when the thing seems a little too slow for your liking. Let's get one thing clear: Elevators cannot feel or think. They are not horses that can go faster when you whip them. Pressing that button again and again won't make the elevator panic and rush down just to be with you. So if someone else had already pressed it before you, take a chill pill.

4. "I thought I would fail!" The other five most annoying words in the English language. This is Malaysian and seasonal. Picture it: The results of a school exam are announced in our ever-vigilant national media. Smiles for some kids, tears and fears for others. Newspapers swoop down on select schools to capture the scene. This happens every year. And every year there will be at least one girl (it's always a girl) who will say: "I thought I would fail! In fact, I was all ready to re-sit the exam. But luckily I passed ", before reaching her snappy conclusion: "And the 9 A1s I got are very nice too!" Oh, give it up, girl.

No one buys that no-one-is-more-shocked-than-me act. We see that dazed look in your eyes from all that studying, we see your fingers twitching from not holding a pen or high-lighter for the first time in months, we know you're the type who's too scared to bump into pillars lest all the information painstakingly stored in your brain will somehow spill out. So don't be so annoying!

5. "S/he was behaving really strangely." Another of the five most annoying words in the English language. This is probably Malaysian. This happens whenever someone dies in some kind of freak accident. Sometimes even a normal accident will do. When a grieving relative is interviewed by the papers, we will always get a quote along the lines "He was wearing a blue shirt even though he would usually pick red for Tuesdays." Or "She called home two minutes earlier than she normally did." All this just to show that the dead person must have had a premonition of their untimely demise. If this is the stuff of family gossip or speculation it is fine. But when it is always printed in relation to accidents, it becomes routine, insulting and, you guessed it, more than a mite annoying.