Every Malaysian can fondly recall the first time that he or she tried to bring banned material through our airport customs. You can get all teary and sentimental just by thinking about it. As a national rite de passage , it ranks right up there with the first time you persuaded a cop with a speeding ticket to "settle kat sini ajelah " (settle it here).

The banned material will most likely be pornography, since only a moron or an Umno Supreme Council member will try to bring in millions in undeclared cash of various currencies. If you fail in your mission you might get fined or sent to prison. But if you pull it off, the rewards are many and varied. Or so I've heard.

I am not aware of any written tips for would-be smugglers, but I suspect there is a kind of collective memory for this kind of thing. It's like an oral tradition whose lessons are passed down through generations. But for the sake of strengthening our intellectual culture, I might as well document seven of these well-worn guidelines:

1. Pick a flight that will arrive when the customs officers on duty are nearing the end of their shift. This is the best time because they will be so tired that they won't even stop you. You can thus bring in Larry Flynt's Favourite Home Videos with no hassle. If on the other hand your flight touches down at the start of a shift, you will be confronted with all sorts of eager-beaver types fired up from a good night's sleep and a criminal dose of caffeine. They will thus be more likely to sniff out your Traci Lords - The Early Years .

2. Look very religious, very poor or very pregnant. Better yet, aim for all three. This way you will seem like the least likely candidate to be toting VCD copies of Debbie Does Denmark .

3. When choosing your lane, make sure to pick the officer that looks the slowest, the nicest or the dumbest. Better yet, aim for a person who triumphantly embodies all three qualities. But first impressions can be very deceiving so make sure you make the right choice. Linger behind pillars or tie your shoelaces while checking out the options. A hastily formed impression can make the difference between getting caught and a lifetime's enjoyment of Chicks with Dicks .

4. Smother your Jeff Stryker Live! with all the dirty laundry you own. If you don't have enough dirty laundry, buy more clothes on your vacation and make them dirty. Any officer with half a brain will thus know you are hiding something, but he may appreciate your ingenuity enough to let you go.

5. Look like a VIP who can't afford to waste any time on petty bureaucratic procedures like custom checks. Seasoned actors can convey this mood merely through deft movements of their left eyebrow. Don't overdo it. If you seem too odious or obnoxious, the officer might just take it as a challenge to be as efficient as humanly possible, and therefore successfully extract your Eskimo Babes Special from the false bottom of your suitcase. The choice of officer is crucial here (see point 3).

6. Engage the officer in over-friendly chatter about how swell your vacation was. Start to show him dozens of holiday pictures of yourself grinning in front of impassive stone monuments. Any self-respecting person will recoil in horror from such a prospect and flag you on, leaving you in firm possession of your Ready, Willing and Anal .

7. Look as though you are still suffering from an extreme case of air-sickness. Make yourself up so that you can pass for Linda Blair from the noisier scenes of The Exorcist . Clutch a dripping sick-bag as proof of just how much the bumpy flight interfered with your digestive capabilities. The officer will be so disgusted that he will practically chase you and your copies of Sorority Confidential out of the place.