SATIRE | Ah, the beautiful game! Where dreams are made, national pride is bought, and football agents laugh their way to the bank while selling you a “Brazilian” who could have played in the Siberian Beer League.

Move over, “Drive for show, putt for dough”, often overheard at the tee boxes of local golf clubs.

Malaysia’s football officials have gifted us a fresher, more lucrative mantra: “Make a dash, collect the cash.” For the locals, the slogan is: “Find a relative and we will give.”

The rules are simple: First, you have to find a distant relative in some God-forsaken place like Burkina Faso or Timbuktu, or even in the Andean mountains.

But how do I find them? There are many such tracers - self-styled football agents who can scour the globe, even to the remotest of settlements in the Amazon, to find what you are looking for - for a fee.

Once the relative is found, the agent would do the needful - package the product, contact the buyer, who, without “testing” the product, signs on the dotted line for a six-figure sum.