Devoted step-mom wants to dispel step-parents stereotype

Step-parents don’t always get much love from society in general. Most of it is due to stories and myths that often portray step-parents as being evil. On the other hand, if a step-parent wants to step up to the role of being a real parent to their child, they are asked why, since the child is not biologically theirs.

However, Yuri Tiru Pillai Schneider wants to dispel all those ridiculous notions, stereotypes and misconceptions with her book ‘Two Homes, One Family’.

The book revolves around her five-year-old stepson Ian, and helps raise awareness about step-parenting and also teaches toddlers that it is possible to live a happy life as part of a blended family.

Yuri married Ian’s biological father Sven Schneider in 2020.

“We were supposed to marry in March 2020 but the pandemic hit. A few weeks before the ceremony we had to cancel everything. Later on, in May, we got a call from a National Registration Department (officer) who set a date and told us to come over," recalled Yuri during an interview with Malaysiakini.

The very private ceremony with four people (including her brother) was held without Yuri’s parents who could not travel at that time. Sven was previously married and had a very young son, Ian.

“I think people have to bear in mind that when you are in a relationship or starting a relationship with somebody who already has a child, life will be very different from the way it would be if both of us were single. There is always the child in mind. You will be entering the child’s realm and exiting it might impact the child negatively, “explained Yuri.

Yuri said that one has to be ready for the added responsibility but at the same time, no one is ever really ready for this kind of challenge.

“Before this, I had never changed a diaper in my life. When I met Ian he was only one and a half years old. He was only a tiny toddler and I was very really scared. But my husband did a very good job and took the lead.

"He brought us together and told me that once I met Ian I had to be there constantly. He had to recognise me even though he was just a toddler.”

“So I would visit them every Saturday. I would bring the same snacks. I would play with the same toys with him until he decided to give me something else in his life," Yuri said.

Small steps make a difference

Yuri would bring Ian yoghurt every time she visited and he would sit there and eat it with her; slowly he warmed up to her.

“It took me over six months. Later, he let me play with other things around his house. That was like a cue that he wanted me to come deeper into his life. I started taking up more parental duties.”

So it was regular diaper changing and sticking around feeding time for Ian.

“It progressed according to my son’s tempo,’ said Yuri. Both Yuri and Sven have full custody of Ian and the child’s biological mother is still very much in his life and does see him often.

“I have been actively raising my son ever since I met him. He lives with us more because we have a more stable environment to offer him. Whatever is best for the child. At the end of the day, that is what truly counts,” explained Yuri.

A lot of sniping

Like most of us, Yuri grew up reading fairy tales that had nasty step-parents and like many of us, never thought much of the stereotype.

That is until it happened to her. “The best part between Ian and me is it was not hard. Between me and other women, it was a lot harder. They were my biggest detractors until today. They would make discriminatory comments and (be) condescending sometimes.”

She cited an example of women within her social circle.

“ They will be talking about motherhood and then turn to me and say don’t worry, when you have your own child, you will get it.”

This particular comment hit Yuri hard because just the night before, she was caring for her son who had the flu.

“I spent the whole night taking care of him. I slept on the floor next to the cradle. So the next day when you hear something like that it is very disheartening.”

She said it was Ian who started her on the journey to write Two Homes, One Family’ when, aged four, he started asking his father why Yuri looked different from the two of them.

"He gravitated towards books to teach him a lot more. So I went to bookstores to look for books for him and I could find none that cast a positive light on step-moms.

"There was nothing on blended families. Instead, only traditional conventional families seem to be the focus of children’s books and cartoons.

“So where does that leave step-parents?” Yuri asked.

She even points out that fairy tales featuring nasty step-parents are taught in schools.

"There is a system pushing for this kind of perception to stay in place but there is nothing to neutralise it.”

When the ‘Two Homes, One Family’ book was released, many step-parents reached out to Yuri and told her they wished content like this was available before because they too underwent the struggle of social perception.

The basic instinct of any parent is to have the child know them and love them but due to stereotypes, no matter how much a step-parent wants to connect with the child they are caring for, it is an uphill battle from all sides.

The book was written during the pandemic and yet Covid-19 was not Yuri’s biggest problem.

“When I was looking for illustrators, artists turned me down as well. They felt it was a sensitive topic and did not want to be associated with it.

"I had to ask a good family friend to come up with the illustrations, “ she said.

That friend Shoma P Roche did the illustrations and featured things that are close to Ian's heart such as his favourite toys. It was essentially a book that Ian could relate to.

Yuri refers to recent statistics between 2020 and 2021 where Malaysians recorded over 78,000 divorce cases. Most of them are in the age group of 28 to 35 years old.

There is a high likelihood that there are many toddlers or young children who will eventually be a part of blended families. So how does one assimilate into such a big role as a step-parent?

Right now there is no active support group for step-parents in Malaysia that Yuri knows of.

She hopes her book will help them and raise awareness. Maybe somewhere down the line, even help set up a support group.

“Hopefully, it will create more chatter around people and hopefully there will be a system that supports step-patents as well. You don’t have to put them on a pedestal and say ‘you did not give birth to the child but are looking after them, so I worship you’.

"We are still parents, you can’t treat us like we are nobody.”

Working on her next book

Yuri is working on another book which is a prequel to ‘Two Homes, One Family’ and said that it came about because Ian was curious about her life before she entered his world. She has also been reached out to by people who want to know how to ease the idea of the question of divorce or separation in the family.

“This is not like I am condoning or supporting divorces but if it does happen no one can condemn a father or mother for the joy of being a human being or individual first. If it does happen, how do we best talk to children about their parents going their separate ways so they will be loved?

"Whether it is two, three or four homes, they will always have a family. That is the message I want to drive home with my next book,” Yuri elaborated.

She said that she has had readers who grew up in blended families but they were not part of the conversation when their parents got divorced.

“It was fighting, fight, fight and the parents left, doors slammed and the children had no idea what was going on. Next thing you know they are going back and forth between parents until one fine day one of the parents introduces them to someone new and says this is your new father or mother, please call them mama or papa,” said Yuri.

She says children did not ask to be born nor did they ask their parents to get a divorce. Yet they have to face what happens post-divorce.

This is what the second book from Yuri will cover.

Yuri said that she and her husband plan to have children together in the future but right now they are in a happy place with Ian.

The little boy had been dropping hints that he would like a sibling. When the newcomer shows up, there will be a book on that.

“We will see where fate takes us. We are figuring out the dynamics which are always changing because he is changing too. He is growing up. For this New Year, he decided he wanted to stop calling me Mimi and call me Mummy. It is based on his tempo.

"I told him it does not matter what he wants to call me because the relationship will not change. No matter if he is sick, naughty or nice, I will always be there.”

You can find out more about Yuri’s ‘Two Homes, One Family’ via her Instagram or Facebook.

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