At another open house I attended, the conversation turned to an acquaintance's impending nuptials later this year.

"What?" we were incredulous.

The person getting married was gay, and didn't hide his homosexuality. Hence, his future as a heterosexual woman's husband was not only questioned, but damned by friends and colleagues, for deluding the poor wife-to-be.

"Well, she is from the sticks you know. Probably grateful that a city boy plucked her out from obscurity and is providing for her and her family."

"That is cruel," we said. And we went back to eating, which is one of the things Malaysians do best.

The siren's call

When I recounted this story to a friend who's gay and happy as a lark, he sniffed.

"What's so cruel about that? Straights guys are guilty of lying to their partners, so what more a gay man? And you girls," his eyebrows wiggled, "you think your spouses are oh-so-good. But you know, most of the men that hit on me and my friends, they're all married."

Don't think that married men played around with women only, my friend wagged his finger at me; there are a lot of them that liked backdoor games. And don't think that the more religious they were, they would be impervious to temptation. "They like their boys pretty, cutie, and they like them tight," my friend winked, before sashaying off pertly to make coffee.

I have been reading Abdelwahab Bouhdiba's Sexuality in Islam , and coincidentally when that conversation took place, I was at Chapter Four: The Frontier of Sexes. Homosexuality, hermaphrodites and chaste women were discussed in great length, and the author had warned:

Al-Hassan Ibn Dhakwam said: "Do not sit next to the songs of the rich and noble: they have faces like those of virgins and they are even more tempting than women."

In the famous anthology, The Thousand and One Nights , Shahrazad remarked sarcastically to a young woman that preferred beardless men,

My sister, you are a fool...! Do you not know that a tree is beautiful when it has leaves...? A beard and moustaches are to a man what long hair is to a woman... And yet you tell me to choose a beardless boy for a lover?

Before, we worried about our men straying to other women. Now, it is to another siren's call that they heed, and this siren promises the very pleasure we women refuse our husbands.

Take a good look when you go out shopping. Our men are getting prettier by the day. My girl friends and I are astounded and intimidated by this prettiness. Slight, fair, smooth-skinned, they attract the eye of the casual beholder. After all, who does not appreciate beauty?

During the Raya break, I met up with a relative who's an amateur historian, and he told me a few things that aren't in our history books, and that there has always been a culture of homosexuality and transvestism among the Malays.

"Back then, these meks (transvestites) weren't really seen much in public, but worked as tailors, made brides up... they kept to themselves. And among the bangsawan (noblemen) families, you know how they always had servants and young houseboys. So one of these noblemen would want a massage picit sini, picit sana (massage here, massage there) and in the endsomething else is massaged! It's always been around, you know."

"So you're saying this is inherent in Malay society?"

"I'm just basing my theory on what I read and observed."

Hostels: a hive for homosexuality?

THERE is a growing tendency among young male students to take on "gay" lifestyles. The problem has surfaced largely among those staying at hostels and studying at institutes of higher learning, reported Utusan Malaysia recently.

Quoting a survey of several residential schools and institutes of higher learning in the Klang Valley by the Liberal Studies Institute of Universiti Tenaga Nasional (Uniten), the paper said 5% to 10% of the students surveyed claimed to be homosexuals, and all of them were Muslim.

Research team leader Mohd Ariff Ahmad Tarmizi said that while the figures appeared small, the number was increasing daily.

"The emergence of special websites and gay clubs on the Internet has encouraged the growth of these groups and enabled them to interact with each other and to carry out activities that are against social norms."

Mohd Ariff said the study delved into three elements that could have influenced these students: knowledge, experience and desire.

For instance, he said, pornographic videos that depict various scenes, including abnormal sexual activities, would influence the viewers into acquiring the knowledge, who then try to experience it and, eventually harbour a desire for it.

"What do you expect? You've got a bunch of hormonally charged young men in confined quarters. There's so much solo jobs can do for a boy's well-being," K, a Indian friend that lived in one of these hostels told me. He had received a scholarship to study at a lesser known school post SRP in the 80s.

What did you think of the fact that these were young Malay boys?

"Most of the hostels cater to Malays only. Hello? Have you forgotten the NEP? There are very few hostels or residential schools for us China, Indian and lain-lain * lah! The hostel I ended up at was due to a scholarship I received. Perhaps the school wanted some diversity. I stuck out like a sore thumb."

Being the only non-Malay there, he kept very much to himself, and observed the goings-on among the students. He wouldn't classify that the few students that participated in homosexual activities were gay; one or two were bona fide (gay), but the rest were looking for an outlet. The only contact these boys had with female students were at organised events, and letters gave very little relief. Young men were human. They craved affection, love, kisses, holding hands.

This anecdote reminded me of my chat with my Arab cousin. Last year, I went with my family to perform the umrah , and we met up with our Arab relatives in Jeddah. Sahara spoke of how frustrating it was to lead an independent life there, especially for a young woman with a degree and dreams.

"You know, sister, that there is a high rate of gay men and women here?"

My mother and I were stumped.

"I don't think that they really are gay, but because our society limits interaction between young men and women, we do not have an outlet to express our feelings."

"Are you saying you want a Western lifestyle?" I asked.

"Sister. I am lucky to have some interaction with boys my age. Because of our privileged backgrounds, my friends and I do meet boys but in confined quarters such as the dinners our parents throw. Of course we are all chaperoned, and that helps. What about those that are not as lucky as we? I think as long as we know what is wrong and right, we would not transgress, but such is life in Jeddah. Personally, I do not think that limiting one's interaction with the opposite sex is good. Have chaperones! Or something!"

***

Nobody made a move on you? I asked K.

"I'm Indian, darling. Nobody wanted me."

Rear entry

Over this festive period, some of my friends became legally single. It's been a rough month. Of course when women meet, they spill all and analyse everything about the marriage.

"One reason why he divorced me was because I refused to have anal sex with him," F told us.

Instinctively all of us clenched our butts.

The ex told his father that she was not satisfying his lust as a proper wife should and the father supported the son.

"I told them that sodomy was condemned by God. And I was not going to perform any sexual act that repulsed and violated me."

Next thing she knew, he divorced her via sms and kicked her out of the house.

Ibn `Abbaas, may Allah be pleased with him, narrates: "The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said: "Allah will not look at a man who has anal sex with his wife." (Reported by Ibn Abi Shaybah, 3/529, and At-Tirmidhi classified it as an authentic Hadith, 1165.)

This is not the first time I have heard of some men requesting such acts from their wives. One or two of the women acquiesce to the request; the rest are either mystified or run for the hills. I have one friend that broke down and confessed to me about this particular intimacy, " and I can't stop" and to this day, I find it hard to have a conversation with the couple, because all kinds of images are dancing in my head - there is such a thing as information overload -and another that told me, like women that wear the hijab, the hidden erotic tantalises him.

"Don't women think about it too?"

I told him, most women don't want to live with piles for the rest of their lives.

I am piqued by this phenomenon. My gay friends complain and whinge about the dearth of good men and how married men are so hamsap and suey , and my straight female friends tell me of their partners (present and former) fascination with anal sex. The lines between the two worlds are increasingly blurred. I am warned by my male friends to beware the straight man, for he has many secrets. Infidelity isn't as cut and dry like before. What does a woman do if her man leaves her for another man? She'd be rendered speechless. I don't think Terry Mcmillan ever got her groove back when her now former husband revealed he was gay.

In Muslim Malaysia, all these are a no-no. We're all going to hell, the pious tell us.

But these are the lives we lead. We move in many worlds, some hidden, some not, some black, white and grey; nothing is definite and conclusive. Who really knows what goes on behind the bedrooms of men and women. Only God knows what the heart must feel.

"Do not put down the married man that has another man as a lover," I was advised. "Do you know how torturous it is to lead many lives?"

Then why marry, I retorted.

You do not understand, my friend snapped back.

Yesterday was World AIDS Day. An AFP report stated that Malaysia is expected to register a jump in HIV cases in 2015 to 300,000 people from the present 65,000. We blame drug addicts, prostitutes and gay men for AIDS, but we refuse to take accountability when it comes to high risk behaviour exhibited by heterosexual men and women. It is easier and better to blame the obvious.

The report also noted that Nafis Sadik, UN special envoy for HIV/AIDS in Asia, told the New Straits Times that the situation in Malaysia had developed into a "generalised epidemic" with the virus having spread beyond high-risk groups.

Leading many lives is one thing, but irresponsibility is another. These days, it's no longer about wearing a prophylactic. The family unit is affected; trust is broken and reality becomes an illusion. One no longer knows what truth is anymore.

We're so good at lying, aren't we.

China, India dan lain-lain - Most Malaysian official forms will ask the recipient to state what ethnic race he or she is.

SRP - Sijil Rendah Pelajaran; a national examination taken by 15 year olds before it was scrapped in the 90s.

Hamsap and suey - randy; dirty-minded. Suey means bad luck.

DINA ZAMAN is very thankful she's single and dateless. After hearing all the confessions during Raya, she has concluded that love and marriage aren't worth it.