FRIENDS and fellow mutts, firstly let me introduce myself.

I’m Valentino… Valentino Lexington, and thou shall address me as Valentino. I’m basically what you humans call a mongrel, with a wag of Rottweiler here and a bark of Alaskan husky there and a howl of poodle somewhere.

I was born seven years ago in a small town called Ijok, that’s 49 in human years for you. My four brothers and I were left all alone when our mother got run over by a truck. A good Samaritan took us in, fed us and rehomed us. The rest they say is history. Life is good I should say. A dog needs, apart from a good home and food, plenty of love and affection, and I receive bundles of it from my human buddy. I should mention here that she has a lot of patience and tolerance. All she does is glare when I insist on the open windows when we are going for my routine rides in her car and I love to pull this fast trick on her on rainy days!

By the way, did I mention I’m single? I’m polygamous too. I don’t pretend otherwise like some of you humans do. But I did read somewhere that my great ancestors, the wolves were more monogamous. But that was in a time before the birth of your species, the killer humans, and surely in a time where we simple animal folks could live in peace and practise cultured practices without fear that we may die at human hands before the next breeding season.

Linguistic whining of mine

Now let me tell you how I came about to writing in this column. You see, life was taking a boring toll on me. Everyday it was the usual telly, watching the birds, surfing the internet, eating, cat-napping (no puns intended) and my morning walks. Though I have my regular duty of keeping my human buddy company and be the oh so good listener. Not that I’m complaining but my heart longed for something more. So when opportunity knocked at the form of a canine columnist, I leaped at it. Hence once a month, I willingly surrender an afternoon to serve and please you humans all with some linguistic whining of mine.

Being a columnist of Rentakini is no easy feat. Her sister site Malaysiakini boasts hits of 33 million page views a month, which is a tad intimidating. But hey, the work suits me fine, the environment soothing while I chill at home with some daiquiri waiting for my human buddy to return home from work. That’s the time I assume my playful role to make her laugh and giggle.

Mind you, I plan to fully use and abuse this column to say my piece on issues in this world. Like the dog hunt that was organised by a local council recently. I read about it and it got me rabid mad. My blood boiled and the ticks died immediately! Who ever came up with this insane idea must have crawled out from under a huge rock. Don’t you know we animals in particular, are good for you? A contest to hunt down dogs, my dirty paw!

For every fused blub that tells you dogs are bad, there are ten holy books that tell you otherwise. Ok I’m exaggerating about them holy books but think about it. There are numerous accounts of multiple health benefits from living with a canine. Cure your diseased mind with right thinking and the right attitude. Don’t blame the dog, or you’ll end up like that bad dancer who says the stage is uneven. So to those who stood by us defending our rights in the society alongside with Puss and Hammie, thank you! For those living in Selayang, if the local council don’t bend, get rid of it.

We don’t choose to be strays. It’s the doings of you half nut humans. You get so besotted with us when we were pups you are blinded by the fact that we grow! Left alone, we have great lives, thank you. It’s only when rabid (excuse the pun) humans run us over, or campaign to have us killed, or go out of their way to kick us that we feel threatened. And humans are supposed to be the protectors of the helpless? Hmmphh all that human education – WASTED !

Pets are meant to be treasured household members, whether we bark, meow, snort, neigh, squeak, chirp or hiss. I read in a survey somewhere that more and more people are welcoming animals into their homes and hearts and treating them as family. It was also highlighted that 45 percent of pet in America are with pet owners who have more than one pet, according to American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals science advisor Stephen Zawistowski.

Pass a test first

So what you ask me? Well we may not be Americans, but responsible pet ownership applies to anyone who owns or wants to own a pet. For those who are considering taking up a pet, remember it’s not whether the dog’s good enough for you but if you are good enough for the dog. If we mutts had the resources, we would make you pass a test showing you have the time, patience, love and respect to look after a dog. If you are of sound mind and good character; if you are willing to give quality time to the dog; then after adequate training maybe, just maybe, you’ll be good enough for doggie and he’ll lower his standards and let you in. To stress my point and to put in words how sad a dog feels when abandoned, this poem I read in the internet comes to mind.

ALONE AGAIN

I wish someone could tell me,

What it is that I've done wrong,

Why I have to stay chained up

And left alone so long.

The children said they'd feed me,

Said they'd brush me every day,

They'd play with me and walk me,

I was happy to stay.

But now the family hasn't time.

They often say I shed.

They wont allow me in the house,

Not even to be fed.

The children never walk me.

They always say, "Not Now!"

I wish that I could please them.

Won't someone tell me how?

All I have is love, you see,

I wish they would explain,

Why they said they wanted me

Then left me on a chain.

No dog should be allowed to feel this sad. Frankly if you ask me I say humans need to loosen up a tad and not take everything so seriously. Here’s a tip, if humans spent more time frolicking, rolling on the grass, and smelling each other’s bottoms, the world would be a safer, happier place. Thus, through this column I shall attempt to bring humans and mutts together or at least try. With this piece, I bid thee farewell. Need to empty this bladder of mine. Hope Uncle Paul has parked his car at the same spot. Man, I love those rims! Ciao.

VALENTINO sometimes thinks he is a human trapped in a mongrel's body and dreams often of convertibles and LCD TVs.