Silly me, I’ve been taking life too seriously for words, and letting the criminal antics of BN get me down. And so, I’ll bet, have you. So let’s try and cheer ourselves up. Let’s sit back, relax, chill out and, instead of getting our knickers in knots, try enjoying every madcap minute of the 1Malaysia movie-in-progress.

What a spectacle! What a sandiwara !! What a cinematic, sin-ematic sexxxxtravaganza!!! It’s a drama, a dream and a nightmare, all rolled into one. It’s got fantasy, fiction, faction and, come to think of it, fuction. It’s got romance, it’s got mystery, it’s got robbery, religion, mayhem, treachery and murder.

It’s like Avatar meets Alice in Wonderland; Lord of the Rings (or Wrongs ) meets Hairy Plotter; Cecil DeMillion meets Debbie Does Dallas; Psycho meets Dr Franktunstein ; wayang kulit meets skin flicks; the Keystone Kops meet Mad MACCs .

najib penang visit najib pc It’s the latest and let’s hope final schlockbuster from Crapco/ Putridjaya Productions, with a script allegedly written by leading man Najib Abdul Razak ( right in picture ), who delivers hilarious one-liners like the one the other day when he was on location in Penang.

Referring to problems people are having with water pressure in a housing development, he ad-lipped that “I turn the head of the taps and not much water comes out. We need to pump in more pressure. But,” he then chuckled, “don’t think of another head.”

This was nearly as funny as his quip in a recent BBC World Debate that he wasn’t prepared to comment on one of the points that the programme host, Zainab Badawi, raised on camera, but would be happy to discuss it with her in a private room upstairs.

Three ‘prongs’ of Bugis culture

Ha, ha, or as my old pal KTemoc would put it, “wakakaka”. What witty one-liners from the man who once famously described his political credo as springing from the three “prongs” of Bugis culture, the tongue, the penis and the keris.

In his couple of years since his party handed him the role of prime minister, he’s certainly proven no slouch in the tongue department, performing cunning linguistic tricks like the “1Malaysia” slogan that conflicts so laughably with his party’s persistence in promoting the nation’s racial and religious divisions in its desperate bid to cling on to power.

And the penis factor has been given a comprehensive work-out, mostly for the purpose of shafting rival performer Anwar Ibrahim in a second trial for sodomy. Plus of course the latest public entertainment, the sex DVD released recently by the three stooges billing themselves as Datuk T, with Shuib Lazim appearing as Larry, Shazryl Eskay Abdullah as Mo and Abdul Rahim Thamby Chik as the member of the trio recalling curly questions about his unsavoury sexual record.

azlan As for the keris, this is as ever in the incapable hands of Najib’s cousin and self-styled action-hero Hishammuddin Hussein, whose role is to fight for the forces of evil with every instrument at his command.

Like the police force, or farce, for example, that he routinely employs to disrupt opposition events and suppress public dissent, as most recently at the protest in Klang against BN’s loony-tunes plan to impose nuclear power stations on the far-from-amused Malaysian populace.

Then there’s his Rela force, originally conceived as a way to employ a few thousand unemployed extras as bounty-hunters of illegal immigrants, but now an armed and undoubtedly dangerous troupe of 2.5 million bonded BN voters and bully-boys.

This, let’s face it, is no laughing matter, so let’s lighten-up the discussion again by recalling a couple of Hishammuddin’s more comic routines.

Like his response to the infamous cow’s head protest by a band of bigots outside a Hindu temple with the laughable excuse for the culprits that “in this day and age, protests should be accepted in this world as people want their voices to be heard. If we don’t give them room to voice their opinions, they have no choice but to protest”.

Of course this little speech on the people’s right to protest wouldn’t have been a bit funny in any free country, but coming from a deadly enemy of opposition protest like Hishammuddin, in BN’s perverted version of Malaysia, it was hilarious.

As was his more recent comment that a consignment of Bahasa-language copies of the Christian Bible held for months by his minions on suspicion of being corrupting to Muslims might by now be “smelly”.

And now there’s the proposed 10-point ‘solution’ to the controversy over the Al Kitab, with the risible requirement that they be stamped “For Christians only”.

On-pack warning

Actually this sort of on-pack warning for reading-matter might not be such a bad idea if Hishammuddin, in his role as protector and enforcer of the Printing Presses and Publications Act, could see his way to extending it across the board.

azlan If “For Christians only” is required on copies of the Bible, how about a “For cretins only” cover-stamp for Malaysia’s blatantly BN-biased ‘newspapers’, and an on-screen super or crawl as a caution to viewers of the news on ‘mainstream’ television channels.

It would also make a suitable warning for would-be watchers of the DVD allegedly showing Anwar cavorting with a Chinese sex worker.

Speaking of which, this week’s prize for the funniest routine in the monster Malice in Blunderland production must surely go to Dewan Rakyat speaker Pandikar Amin Mulia for his ruling against a motion to test the sex DVD’s authenticity by screening it to a sitting of Parliament.

“I cannot allow it for two reasons,” he reportedly stated. “First it will breach Standing Orders. Secondly, it is because of the Muslims among us, as it is haram .”

What a giggle, when, despite the shameful silence on the subject from many relevant religious leaders, virtually everything the BN government does is haram , from its bare-faced lying both in and out of Parliament, to its thievery, cronyism and corruption of the nation’s judiciary and other civil institutions.

But hey, this is just a movie, right? So as I suggested up front, let’s enjoy it just a little while longer, as the plot is thickening and getting so sickening that it must be getting close to The End. Or, as a good many bloggers express this long-awaited eventuality, BeeEnd.

DEAN JOHNS, after many years in Asia, currently lives with his Malaysian-born wife and daughter in Sydney, where he mentors creative writing groups. Already published in Kuala Lumpur is a third book of his columns for Malaysiakini , following earlier collections ‘Mad about Malaysia’ and ‘Even Madder about Malaysia’.