Forgive me if you kan, but this week, just by way of a komplete change from my kustomary kolumn, I thought I would follow Prime Minister Najib - oops, Knajib Abdul Razak’s lead and go overboard with the letter k to the point of overkill.

As Knajib himself so memorably did in his address at the Cheras Umno division’s 20th anniversary celebrations, in proposing a ‘6K’ formula to ensure that Umno remains what he called “strong and relevant”: Ketaatan (Obedience), Kesetiaan (Loyalty), Keberanian (Bravery), Kesetiakawan (Unity), Kebijaksanaan (Excellence) and Keikhlasan (Sincerity).

This was such a load of kock that I couldn’t resist rushing to my trusty Pelanduk Pocket Malay Dictionary for some Bahasa k words that would somewhat more truthfully describe the formula that Umno actually employs to keep itself in a position of illicit power and public plunder.

But no sooner than I had kompiled a kollection inkluding such Umno-appropriate k terms as korupsi, kecurian, khianat, karut, khilaf, kotor, kuman and kutu , I realised that I was out of my linguistic depth and should konfine myself to English.

But not so much to what is often known as the King’s English, as to a kind of Kinglish, in which the phonetic employment of the letter k would make this column, as you have already observed that it so successfully does, as stupid-looking as its topik deserves.

Kommencing with the observation that Knajib’s typically dumb and deceptive ‘6K’ formula was overshadowed by this kriminal konman’s dangerously idiotic kall for Umno to “emulate the bravery” of the Middle-Eastern, al-Qaeda-related terrorist group ISIL if the party is to survive.

Citing the ‘success’ so far of ISIL in destablising Iraq in the face of overwhelming odds, Knajib added that “when someone dares to fight to their death, they can even defeat a much bigger team”.

Admittedly Knajib’s own insanely-overstaffed prime minister’s department issued a statement the day after his ISIL remarks alleging that his words had “been taken out of kontext”.

“ISIL was mentioned briefly and in passing, but it is important to note that the prime minister in no way indicated any support for ISIL,” the statement klaimed, adding that “the Malaysian government classifies ISIL as a terrorist organisation and are (sic, or rather sik) doing our part to combat them (sik again), for example by arresting suspected ISIL members in Malaysia.”

But the fakt remains that he made this incendiary statement, and thus the question remains what odds was this krooked kook thus trying to imply that Umno faces? These korrupt and kowardly krooks, in kahoots with their kraven koalition partners in Barisan Nasional, have kontrolled Malaysia for decades by employing their overwhelming numerikal domination of every aspect of Malaysian life.

Skewing and ko-opting

They’ve skewed the nation’s constitution in their favour, ko-opted the police, judiciary, elektion kommission, mainstream media, education system and other civil services so komprehensively in their support that they kan and do whatever they like and get away with it.

So this “poor little embattled Umno” akt, along with the simulataneous “defender of the embattled Islamik religion and Malay race” skam by the nation’s overlords to try and portray themselves as underdogs, is just one more disgraceful element in their shameful misrule of Malaysia.

As is Knajib’s recent kosmetic addition of MCA and Gerakan kronies to what even he koncedes is an already hopelessly bloated cabinet.

A kabinet that is klearly as both unwilling and inkapable as Knajib himself of stopping the rot that is killing Malaysia.

Witness the nation’s steady and apparently inexorable descent on every known international index, from korruption, press freedom and university excellence rankings to klassification with the lowest of the low in the massive illicit capital outflow and people-trafficking departments.

Umno’s Malaysia is not performing too well on the domestik terrorism front, either, despite Knajib’s extremely unkonvincing disklaimer concerning ISIL, as the ruling regime not just kondones but actually supports (with public money, of kourse) such organisations as Perkasa, whose information chief, Ruslan Kassim ( right ), recently threatened to chop off the heads of those “parasites” who ridikule Islam and the sultan of Selangor.

Of course this kreep denied any such kriminal incitement, claiming, Knajib style, that his call for killing was “just a figure of speech”.

What he aktually intended, he now claims, was to advocate the “killing” of the political kareers of four opposition parliamentarians who had kalled for Selangor to limit the powers of the Selangor Islamic Affairs Council, or rather Kouncil (Mais).

“I didn’t mean to say ‘ pancung ’ (chop) heads, but to ‘ pancung ’ them politically,” he was quoted as attempting to explain. “But the political part didn’t come out and I accidentally said ‘ pancung lehe r’ (chop necks),” he went on, adding that “we are not sharpening our machetes. We love peace and harmony.”

Using pandas to pander to public opinion

Meanwhile, having delivered himself of his “6K formula” and “emulate ISIL” speech, Knajib was once again busy using the recently-arrived pair of pandas to pander to public opinion of himself as warm and kuddly rather than the kold-bloooded kriminal he actually is, claiming that the RM25 million cost of the so-called Panda Konservation Centre at Zoo Negara is a “ very reasonable expenditure in view of the booming trade between Malaysia and China.”

But of course, as everyone knows or at least strongly suspekts, the pandas originally named Fu Wa and Feng Yi and now, following an expensive public contest, re-named Xing Xing (prosperity) and Liang Liang (pretty) for the duration of their 10-year stay in Malaysia, are aktually part of some murky deal done with China relating to Malaysia’s ‘loss’ of MAS flight MH370 with over 100 Chinese citizens aboard.

A thought that brings me to the observation that there was little or no fuss when dozens of trafficked Indonesian “illegals” were drowned off Malaysian shores recently, and thus Jakarta seems unlikely to respond to this “loss” of its citizens by presenting Zoo Negara with a pair of komodo dragons.

Or, for that matter, by urging Malaysia to prosecute the people-smuggler(s) involved, as the entire disaster was obviously enabled by corrupt immigration and other authorities on both sides.

But, thank goodness, that’s enough from me for now in this special k week, as my word kount is just about up, and in any kase Umno will have disgraced yet another letter of the alphabet, banned yet another word or committed some even krappier krime by this time next week, and so k can be let off for some well-deserved lepak .

DEAN JOHNS, after many years in Asia, currently lives with his Malaysian-born wife and daughter in Sydney, where he coaches and mentors writers and authors and practises as a writing therapist. Published books of his columns for Malaysiakini include ‘Mad about Malaysia', ‘Even Madder about Malaysia', ‘Missing Malaysia', ‘1Malaysia.con’ and ‘Malaysia Mania’.