Lovely is the English language
More fruitful than that of the Malays
I could see the fruitfulness of it
And learn to appreciate juiciness when you bite into it
Unlike the dryness of that of the Malays

You can call someone an apple of your eye
And when you fall in love with that person you can go bananas
In Malay you can't call your date a rambutan
And be mistaken as an orangutan
You can be crazy in love but you can't say that I am going to be a pisang
No no no - Malay is a fruitless language

Fruity is the English language
Better than that of the fruitless Malays

You can fall out of love and become a sour grape
When the apple of your eye left you for the Big Apple
You can see politicians become sour grapes
When they are no longer favoured in their Banana Republic
In the fruitless Malay language, when you become a sour grape
You can't call yourself a kedondong and sit under a tree like ikan termenong
You can't even call your ex-girlfriend a pulasan
As you were the first to "perasan" and became a sour grape

Ahh Tutti Frutti English Language
Ahhh no such things as ...buah muah ... in Malay language
Simply won't go as Malay is a fruitless language

English is in demand
As a fruity language Malaysians should have command
Americans can drive a 'lemon'
Can Malaysians drive a 'longan'?

Ahhh...there is an English fruit called 'squash'
One can even play the fruit and be good at squash
Can Malaysians be good at durians
And roll it down the bowling lane?
How fruitless is the Malay language

I have often wondered why traditional English parents love the fruit cantaloupe
They feed their girls that thing at an early age
Now that I am in love with the English language I know it means
"Can't elope" ...hah...how fruity is the beauty of the language
But can you Malays come up with a fruit that "can't elope"
I bet you can't...you fruitless language
The best you can tell a girl is that she is a "jambu" but she will still elope.

When you are in love and with the apple of your eye
When you go bananas and saved from being a sour grape
When you go on a date in Strawberry Fields
Your heart will always be on Orange Alert
You will be cheery like wild cherry
No - can the Malay language be as fruitful and fruity as this
No it can't

How could you call your girlfriend a lychee
And not expect her to smack you with her tai chi
And you go crazy over her like a Siamese mango without biji
And your heart beats fast like a mangosteen on a 100-meter dash to eternity

Fruity is the English language
Darling are the clementines
Like in the song "Oh my darling ... clementine"
Try using that line via the fruitless Malay language
Trying saying "sayang ku .... limau kasturi"
And you'll see Hang Lekir and Hang Lekiu
Running after you crying like a Portuguese fruit under a Melaka tree

English even has "pomegranate"
From which the word grenade emanates
Fruitless language Malay doesn't have this
The closest is the sound of the popping of buah getah
As a child visiting grandma and grandpa in Penang I would wonder
What the heck is that little C4s of a fruit doing

Okay maybe there is one fruity word the Malays can be proud of
Is when they call their love one "buah hati"
Or "fruit of the heart"
Now logically, do hearts have fruits?
Or fruits have heart?
Unless you talk about love that is coming to fruition
And the heart is cheery like a shaved rambutan
Or a repented durian that finally bathes in perfume water
Made from a concoction of limau kasturi and fermented lychee

So - what then must we worry
Fruitless it will be
Of which language is more fruity
When we all now know
Which one is
The good…the bad…and the fruity…!

DR AZLY RAHMAN is an educator, academic, international columnist, and author of seven books. He grew up in Johor Baru and holds a Columbia University doctorate in International Education Development and Masters degrees in five areas: Education, International Affairs, Peace Studies Communication, and Creative Writing. Follow him on Facebook, Twitter and his blog.

The views expressed here are those of the author/contributor and do not necessarily represent the views of Malaysiakini.