My recent journey took me to Ethiopia. My husband took a job in Addis Ababa and we are planning to live here for another year or so. I am now entering my fifth month here and perhaps this is what has inspired me to write this.

Ethiopia, by comparison to Timor Leste and Afghanistan is by far more comfortable and acceptable in terms of the living condition. We have a nice house in the city with hot running water all day and a bathtub to enjoy it. I could walk on the street by myself and have a nice continental European breakfast in one of the hundreds of cafes and restaurants in Addis Ababa.

We have made a lot of new friends accompanied by their families and sometimes, life does seem to feel normal in the otherwise tribal-conflicted and disaster stricken country. During my first week here, I took the liberty to explore the city on my own. The weather was sunny, people smiling on the streets and the ambience was one of peace and tranquility.

It was the first time I have set foot in Africa, although the locals will adamantly tell you that Ethiopia is not Africa. You see, it's the only African country which has never been colonized and has managed to resist foreign occupation. Ethiopia, previously known as Abyssinia, is steeped with a rich culture and was once the cradle of civilization, being mentioned in the Old Testaments numerous times. Since, the Ethiopians are also "blessed" with finer facial features and fairer skin, they are naturally proud and tend to distinct themselves from the rest of Africa. It is no doubt a unique country, with a unique language (Amharic) and the only one which has just celebrated its second Millennium, following its own calendar.

Wives not welcomed

After a few weeks of being here, I slowly but surely discovered a new side of Ethiopia. I am constantly pointed out by unremorseful local children that I am a foreigner, wherever I go. The farenji (foreigner in Amharic) frenzy became irritating rather than amusing. A lot of the people I met seem to become more rude each day especially the women. It is difficult to expect good services in restaurants, shops, etc. I was once asked to get out from a shop because I questioned the exorbitant price attached to an ordinary-looking sweater made in Thailand. The concept of bargaining or negotiation does not exist. As a foreigner, I am constantly ripped off by local businesses which make shopping a gruesome exercise. Women tend to stare at me in a disconcerting way and they do not hide the fact that they are mocking at me. I mean, they would stare and then turn to their friends and start whispering and sniggering. God only knows what they talk about, but I am sure it is not pleasant.

You see, for us women who came here with their working foreign husbands, we are a threat to the local women. It is known that foreign men are being preyed on by the local women, for economic reasons or a free passport to a better life. I have met with several women who are wives to my husband's colleagues. They all corroborated the same feeling I have, which is, we are not welcomed here. I revealed my discomfort to my husband and he didn't believe me in the beginning for very good reasons too. He is a foreign man, holding a relatively high position in an international organization. So, he does not receive the same kind of treatment as I do. Since he spends most of his time in his office while I am the one doing the groceries and handling the domestic affairs of our house, he is not in much contact with the local people outside of the organization.

However, my husband is not a man without good judgment or observation. As time passed by, he slowly understood what I had been going through. There was even one occasion which convinced him further about this was when we were waiting at the departure lounge of the airport in Addis Ababa. The waitress at a relatively empty bar refused to serve us despite us waiting for more than 20 minutes. When I finally walked over to catch her attention, she was extremely rude to me. It was just shocking to see such poor level of service in an international airport. In all of our lives, we have never encountered such audacity, arrogance and disrespect. We ended up walking out of the bar. We believe that if it had only been my husband alone, the treatment would have been different.

So here I am now. In my quest to find a "home", I have taken a vow to learn French. I guess I have to swallow my pride in order to survive and I will fight hard for it. If I manage to speak in another language, then good for me and shame on them. The environment does not change just so you can fit in. You have to change yourself to fit in. Besides, I have not in any way felt discriminated in France for reason of my ethnicity but more of linguistic. I was told that the French have a lot of respect for Asians because the latter are industrious, peaceful and keep a low profile. So, I figure that if I master the language, then perhaps I will feel more at home. I would finally get the respect which I deserve. I am not big-headed or egotistical as I may sound. I just don't want to be made to feel less than I am.

Middle is purgatory

I have became so tired of being considered as a second-class citizen that I just want to belong to a place where nobody would judge me by the colour of my skin, the language that I speak, the gender of my sex and the way I do my dishes. I am sure a lot of people who read this will be tempted to tell me, " Belah ke Cinalah kalau tak suka ." My answer would be, do you have any idea how it feels like to be stuck in the middle of nowhere? I am a second generation Chinese-Malaysian, which means, I have been brought up the "Malaysian" way. I can't write or read Chinese nor speak in perfect Mandarin, Hokien or Cantonese. The moment I open my mouth to speak in Chinese to the vendors in China Town of London, New York or Paris, I am always given a look which says, "Not another Banana lady here, please!" Besides, why should I be "punished" for a decision taken by my ancestors two generations ago? The same law-abiding ancestors whom have contributed to the economic growth of the country?

I know my life is pretty comfortable in Malaysia. I don't get attack by the Malays or Indians. We sort of co-exist in a polite and civil manner. But when I am reminded again and again that we don't share the same rights as Malaysians, then don't tell me that I should be proud to wave the Jalur Gemilang during Merdeka Day or to proclaim that I love Malaysia.

"Aiyah! Why you complain so much? I'm sure you will never be happy anywhere in the world!!" I hear you say. But this is precisely what I mean when I say from the beginning that the notion of citizens of the world is a farce to me. As long as people truly stop looking at each other based on their ethnicity, gender and nationality, there shall be no globalization of humankind. We will always have the ability to accept Coca Cola, Pepsi, McDonald's, The Body Shop, Colgate, Nestle, Knorr, Star Bucks, etc. as household names because they are commercial products which equal money, but we can never accept another person of another race, gender and nationality into our lives. For many, human beings have no value, even those who are highly qualified, honest and hard working.

I will always adapt myself to the given circumstances and will be grateful for what I have but I will not stay complacent. I don't wish for my children to go through what I went through in my own home country, to be told that he or she is not good enough despite working hard, being deprived of a well-deserved award, just because a Malay must be given a fair share of acknowledgment. My experience has scarred me and it breaks my spirit and I don't want that for my children. So before I have them, I would like make sure that they are brought up in a country where they will truly belong. Being stuck in the middle is purgatory.

LIM KA EA believes that traveling and writing help her to learn about herself and others. She hopes that while the world becomes smaller, our hearts and minds will become bigger. She is also in a quest to find the one and only food which can rightly be claimed as Malaysian food.