Dear Malaysians, it's the time of the year again! Chinese New Year (CNY) is around the corner, let us all embrace the festive season (don't worry, it’s a cultural celebration, nothing religious) without the Islamic Development Department of Malaysia (Jakim) breathing down our necks and give our thanks to all our respectable ministers who’ve worked their asses off to ensure that our country is slowly inching towards Wawasan 2060! (Let’s be realistic here.)

Anyway, being an ungrateful pendatang as I’ve always been, I don’t always bersyukur. Now that I feel like doing it, I want to specifically express my gratitude to our Defence Minister, Hishammuddin Hussein.

Why am I emphasising on Hishammuddin? Not that I’m pilih kasih (though that’s how things work in Malaysia), it’s just that I recognise the importance of our national security! Like c’mon, can you imagine how hard was it for people who’ve endured the May 13 incident? (Thanks again Hadi Awangfor the kind reminder! )

So, today he has shown us how much emphasis he put in exercising his duty as a defence minister. He has shown as how much he cared for the future of our beloved country. You must be asking, what did he do?

Well, he warned us on the danger of the radicalisation of our youths! Can you imagine how big of a threat they could be to our national security? From camping out at Dataran Merdeka to demanding free education to rempuh-ing pagar to urging the resignation of ministers (how dare they!)

Why? Why are our youths nowadays such rabble-rousers? Can’t they just zip their mouths after taking their Bantuan Rakyat 1Malaysia (BR1M), attend classes and stay out of troubles? And if there’s any disagreement, can’t they just keep their mouths shut? Haven’t they learned anything from the sedition blitz?

Besides, bear in mind that debates are not part of our culture, we do not want to be westernised by allowing such a liberal idea, as the next thing we know, girls would be fawning over celebrities, and sooner or later, christianisation would take place! (To answer ‘how’, it’s up to your imagination, no logic required). So please, don’t bother suggesting discussions or anything similar, just keep your opinions to yourself.

Be moderate la!

So what should we do? Well, be moderate la! Examples of moderation can be seen from a few cases. Based on the latest trending, you can urge the boycott of certain races (our heroic PM will step up to defend you so, no worries), worse comes to worst, you’ll only be investigated under the Penal Code, not the Sedition Act. (Gentle reminder, this only applies to Umno members, the rest, pandai-pandai please).

By the way, do not worry if you’ve angered other races, as long as you’re not killing people like IS, by our minister’s standard, you’d still be considered as a moderate.

Also, if boycotts are too mainstream for your liking, you call also spice things up by setting things on fire. Based on precedents, people have gotten away with threats to burn bibles, or even the headquarter of a party that you dislike.

If you come under fire (no pun intended), just explain your move by saying it’s done in order to defend the sanctity of religion, if nobody buys that, just blame it on the media. They’re famous for twisting the words of our honourable politicians anyway, even the politicians themselves agree on this..

Alternatively, if you’re tired of seeing the country overflowing with with people of different shades of skin, you call extend your invite for them to balik Tongsan, India, or wherever they come from. If you want to do it under cover, you can do it through an advertisement for a vacuum cleaner.

Okay, enough of suggestions here. Do take note that the list of the practice of moderation above is non exhaustive so feel free to add on to it. So dear Malaysians, my last question is, do you want to fall under the category of ‘moderates’ by our government’s standard? I leave that for you to answer.

JEAN SIOW is a 19-year-old second-year law student and currently an intern with Bersih 2.0.