comment Recently, the author of ‘Malaysian Maverick’ , was interviewed in a programme in Australia. Entitled ‘What is wrong with Malaysia’, this radio programme was broadcast in Australia in reaction to some 50 Australian MPs signing to protest against the on-going trial of Anwar Ibrahim.

The title of the programme is misleading. There is, we all know, absolutely nothing wrong with Malaysia. We have the best judicial system in the world whose judgments are universally respected by all Malaysians.

We all agree with the recent and all future decisions by the Federal Court. Only one former judge expressed his reservation about the Perak controversy but then he had not read the whole judgment yet. Rest assured that the moment he does, he too will come to our way of thinking. This is, after all, 1Malaysia where one is all.

How can there be anything wrong with Malaysia when we have very extraordinary Malaysians. One Malaysian man can even hold his bowel movements for two days even after being “penetrated”. Although doctors allegedly found no evidence of “penetration”, he still claims he was “penetrated”.

After holding his bowel movements for two days, he finally decided to visit a medical doctor claiming to have been “sodomised”. Doctors found no evidence of any penetration but he is,

to date, the only man alive who was not penetrated but has semen up his posterior!

malaysia merdeka 50th anniversary 280807 youths It was also blatantly unfair for the 50 Australian MPs to meddle in the affairs of this perfect country. Yes, its citizens do not expect the government to be perfect but such is our luck to find a government that is not only perfectly united but is actually united in perfection. In fact, these foreigners must be motivated by pure envy.

They want to wreck our happiness. Surely Australians must know by now that one cannot trust politicians unless they are Malaysian politicians. The 50 MPs should instead come to Malaysia on a study tour of how to achieve perfect execution in their jobs. We have the best consultancy companies drawing up key performance indicators for all our ministers.

In fact, looking back, we can see that many foreign agencies including rating agencies are blatantly unfair about Malaysia. There was one such agency that rates ‘risks’. This one was based in Hong Kong and erroneously said that Malaysia is now a riskier place with increased political instability.

I am very proud of the deputy prime minister for having the courage to stand up to this foreign agency. He made it very clear that there are no ethnic tensions in Malaysia. He was speaking the truth. All Malaysians know that so-called “demonstrations” involving “cow-heads” and other paraphernalia were “staged”. Thank goodness for the DPM's honesty. He knows because he

has access to information we do not have and foreigners cannot possibly have.

NONE The people’s happiness with the government can be seen when the PM does his 1Malaysia walks. It was Batu Caves during Thaipusam and now a new village during Chinese New Year . Soon one very lucky village will get to enjoy the presence of the PM. The lucky village will get a much needed upgrade. Here foreign leaders should learn from the Malaysian PM.

His mere presence is enough to bring cheer into the hearts of the people. This we learned from the British. It was Sir Gerald Templar who said that the Malayan Emergency could only be won by winning “hearts and minds”. Of course, his troops hunted, shot and killed the others who remained obstinate. But these foreigners can never understand our ways.

An inconvenient truth

Malaysians love all PMs, especially the incumbent and, in a descending order, to the founder-prime minister, who would have been over a hundred years old. It is only natural that he is now more and more forgotten as we need more space for the present PM, the immediate past PM and the greatest PM ever. Can one honestly remember a single Australian PM before John Howard?

Perhaps, these foreigners get a bad impression of Malaysia from politicians who say things like “sham democracy”. These older Malaysian politicians are sentimental for the days when there was something called separation of powers. Thankfully, we did away with that doctrine. We have achieved 1Malaysia but it was not easy.

We had years of ‘Malaysia Boleh’ before we could get the executive, the legislature and the judiciary to think and act as one. We now have to get the monarchy and the religious elite to embrace the 1Malaysia concept. Yes, in perfect Malaysia, we can!

But with all these foreigners trying to ruin our ethnic harmony and great perfection, we have to be vigilant. Because we are all perfect, we do not hold grudges. They have tried to destroy us in so many ways like subverting our economy in the mid-1990s through currency speculation.

Who can forget Al Gore’s visit and how rudely he left after making his speech supporting Anwar Ibrahim in 1999. He may have been expressing an “inconvenient truth” but surely he could have done it in a less public way. We all know that the recent 2008 elections was also an optical illusion courtesy of foreign agents. If they can make Avatar, they can do anything!

1Malaysia will continue to be a great country. We are, after all, the true inheritors of the great Malacca Sultanate. In fact, we are the embodiment of everything that has ever been great.

Yes, some of the Chinese have been here since the days of the Malacca Sultanate but they must never forget that their great, great, great, great, grandparents were foreigners. They should be grateful that they are allowed to celebrate Chinese New Year. Remember Suharto’s Indonesia? It can happen to them if they are not careful.

The Indians are already back in the fold. Hindraf is no longer a threat. Indian solidarity too was an optical illusion. All the tricks of the opposition will be revealed come the next general election, which will be the fairest, most perfectly executed in world history.

About the only thing we Malaysians are not allowed to share in common is the name of God. But because we are perfect, we now say “Salam 1Malaysia” to replace all confusion. Yes, one slogan to unite us all. What a perfect country.

Isn’t it strange we have so many Malaysians leaving our shores? It is obvious that they must be doing so because they want to spread the good word around the world. Once again, let’s all wish them all the best and “Salam 1Malaysia”.

NEIL KHOR has recently completed his PhD at the University of Cambridge. He is co-author of ‘Non-Sectarian Politics in Malaysia: The Case of Parti Gerakan Rakyat Malaysia’ (2008).