SATIRE I feel sorry for the 11 (so far) who are charged with soldiering ‘justice’ and crying ‘freedom’ in Malaysia. Obviously, these universal civil liberty concepts are both oxymoronic (it does not mean only the morons will understand) and obsolete in Malaysia.

 

In their long hours of solitude, I suggest these uplifting activities that will guarantee a speedy release from the Sungai Buloh or Kamunting prisons:

 

1) Request English-Malay dictionaries - certainly, one can't expect the prison library to carry English books. Hence by requesting several dictionaries, the prison wardens will get to supplement their income. After all, the prisons have long ago adopted GST - goods provided for a tax on service.

 

2) Exercise in the gym by climbing the knotted rop e - while this is purely for one's own muscle building benefit, it will drive the wardens nuts to see 11 prisoners climbing the ropes daily, thinking of all the escape possibilities.

 

3) Request copies of Quran and match boxes - do this a few times. Once again, by not doing anything and yet, by (their warped) word association, it will just drive the wardens nuts.

 

And if asked, please quote the home minister (who is their boss) who has said that these are mere suggestions and no harm has been done. Don't worry even if they accuse you of lying - they have to deal with a Wanita Umno leader's lies first on the same subject matter.

 

4) Request Internet access - when the wardens are not playing computer games, sorry I mean researching, ask for access. Say you wish to follow political news or at least watch online RTM 2 (it needs the readership increase anyway). Eleven persons requesting this daily will surely frazzle them.

 

5) Ask for ‘Sejarah Melayu’ and laugh hysterically . No need to convince you, the 438 wardens (of course lah , when have you seen any understaffed government institution?) watching the 11 captives in stitches, will all be reading the same book to figure out what's so funny.

 

Of course, each one of them must have a minimum of a ‘Credit’ grade in Bahasa Malaysia so that they will fully understand the national language.

 

6) At night, howl a few times looking at the moon - the thought of 11 potential werewolves to maul them would keep the 146 (because of shift duty lah ) wardens awake and very, very worried. After all, don't forget, they have already labelled the 11 as ‘syaitans’ and now, the very likelihood of transformation will be just enough.

 

7) Request for KY jelly - I understand one is allowed a few personal hygiene items. The fact that some of the male prisoners are armed with this lubricant will ensure the wardens don't turn their backs on them.

 

8) Rent the ‘Saw’ or ‘Hannibal’ series - if one is allowed to watch videos, watch these movies repeatedly and play up the volume to the max allowed. If this is denied, ask for the ‘Brokeback Mountain’ movie and moan loudly watching it. Either one of these tactics will really worry them (see the end).

 

9) Draw triangles in chalk in your cell - and sit in the middle for hours. Don't open your eyes, don't talk to anyone. Just hum "ooo" repeatedly.

 

10) Request to perform your prayers on a Pakistani carpet (as the state sponsored ‘bomoh’ did) as many times as your religion recommends it - after all, one of the 11 was charged for being a religious miscreant so now is the time to repent.

 

Ask to do this together with the wardens to encourage joint enlightenment. Surely that is a reasonable and noble request and they shouldn't refuse.

 

Now if you can do all the above daily, I'm quite sure you will serve a maximum of six days "inside".

 

Imagine, if you are in charge of a prisoner who at any time, is likely to set fire to religious texts, speaks in a strange language, sits in a demon-like maze, watches killer cult or homosexual movies, armed with KY jelly, asking you to bend down daily and, is able to leap (or climb) over tall buildings easily: If I were put in charge of a person like this, I would recommend early pardon or quietly open the gate to his cell before he rips me with his wolverine claws.

 

RAMESH RAJARATNAM thinks the prison system will be overcrowded if the Sedition Act is to stay and be fortified.