I have five weddings this month and the funny thing is almost all the brides and grooms-to-be were born in the year of the rabbit, are 30 years old. Either it's an auspicious year for rabbits or 30 is the age when people feel ready to take the plunge, settle down, give up their careless ways and finally become grown-ups.

I am sitting at the wedding dinner of one of these five couples (I forget which) and I realise that eight out of the 10 people on my table are single alluding to the fact that despite this torrent of matrimonial ceremonies in October, the majority of my friends are still very much single.

"Do you feel any pressure to get married?" I ask my friend, Ben, who is 30.

He shakes his head. "I don't feel I'm ready yet."

Times have changed, Mom

Ben is just one of a growing number of Malaysian men in their 30s, who are unattached - whether by choice, circumstance or simply because they're, well, jaded. What this leaves us with is a large population of single guys in their thirties who are open to dating and very much in the market.

It's a phenomenon my mum has trouble understanding. At the age of 23, she and my dad were married and by the time they were 30, they already had two kids and were talking nappies and tupperwares, home loans and homework. So 30 and dating ?

"Isn't that something you do when you're a teenager?"

"No mum. Most of my friends are not married."

"Oh. Really?" I can hear the confusion in her voice.

"Yeah, and even if they were, quite a lot of them are divorced."

"Really?!"

"Yeah-ah, it's as normal as being gay," I almost said, but figured that that might open another can of worms.

Times have changed. Dating in your 30s is not as simple as taking a girl out for ais kacang . Nor does it have the dizzying euphoria of that first kiss or first touch. Today's daters want more, expect more. A couple of walks in the park won't end up with a walk down the aisle. Marriage is not the have-all and end-all.

The options are wider and the boundaries are blurred crossing between the live-in partner, the relationship of convenience, the 'f' buddy, the open relationship, the 'until someone better comes along' and somewhere in the middle of all this is a thing called love, and that, is only if you're lucky.

So dating in your 30s. What are the rules? How do you play? What's it really like?

Jon, 37 'Dating is fun'

Jon is in the advertising industry and enjoys dating. "Yeah, it's fun," he says, drawing deeply on a Marlboro Light. Jon is attractive with pan-Asian looks, tanned skin and well-worked-out torso. We are having lunch in a coffeeshop in Sri Hartamas and I can see female office workers giving him the eye as they strut by.

He tells me that in his 20s, dating was purely to have a good time. Now that he is in his 30s, the objective is more to find a life partner. "Yeah, I guess I am on a look-out for a wife," he admits. "But I am in no rush."

Looking at Jon with his good looks and glamorous career, you'd think he'd have a queue of women at his doorstep. But despite being successful and sweet and having friends trying to fix him up over the past five years he just "... hasn't found the right woman. The good ones are usually taken or married."

How does he think dating will be like in his 40s? "Oh, better, I hope!" He has a theory that by the time he's 40, there will be more women available on the market as many of them will be divorced. Plus the fact that in a couple of years, he hopes to be doing better financially, and despite what people say, at the end of the day women do go for security.

Jon doesn't really have a set schedule for dating, like every weekend or something. It's as and when he finds someone interesting. "Could be once in three months, could be once every few days." And what type of women does he like? "The strong yet vulnerable type." Which is why single mums or divorced women are no objection.

A first date would usually be over coffee. "There's less pressure," he says. Because he can get out of it quick? "No, it's like if you ask someone for coffee, it doesn't have to mean you like her," he explains. "But you could also really like her." It may sound strange but Jon has a personal opinion about men who ask women out for dinner straightaway. They tend to be "sleaze bags married men looking for something." "But that's just what I've seen," he points out.

Are there any rules of dating? "No sleeping on the first date," he says, dead serious. But a second later, breaks into a cheeky smile, "No-lah." Basically, there aren't any real rules for Jon. For one thing, he doesn't like playing games and that 'don't call for three days rule' goes straight out the window for him. "If I feel like calling, I will. I'm not going to play any games."

Chua, 30 'No time to date'

Chua is in IT, and has built up quite a solid career for himself over the past eight years. His resume reads like a Fortune 500 listing with a string of multi-national companies in tow. In the relationship department however, things are a little quiet. Chua has been single for the past three and a half years. His last relationship lasted three years, ending when he was 27. "I can't even remember the last time I went out on a date," he says, scratching his head. "Just shows how long it's been."

So why is he single? "By choice," this young executive says. "I don't feel I'm ready and it's not the right time. For Chua, career comes first. "My priority is still career." A relationship would come further down the line. First is career, then family, then friends and then only a girlfriend. "A relationship is on the fourth rung."

So when would be the ideal age for this corporate climber to settle down? "33 to 35," he says. But after a moment's thought, he revises the figure to between 30 and 33. "Yeah, if you want to have kids, better to be earlier," he says.

Thirty-three years old isn't very far away though. Chua agrees but admits he doesn't date at all and hasn't really in the past. "I guess I've been lucky. Never really had to work for it." His previous girlfriends always just ended up with him quite naturally.

Despite having a rough deadline, Chua doesn't seem too worried about meeting it. "I guess when I'm ready I will date." And by date he means directly calling up a girl to have dinner, watch a movie and so on. "If I still have the touch-lah," he quips.

And is the objective of the date to find a wife?

"Not really-lah," he says, thoughtfully. "Just somebody to be with, commit to a relationship and then later on only decide about marriage." For Chua, 20 percent of his friends are married, 60 percent attached and 20 percent single. He's clearly a minority but from the way he speaks, it really does sound like a matter of choice and when he's ready he's pretty confident of being able to obtain whatever he wants which he describes as someone "open, energetic, active and in her mid-20s."

Sean, 31 - 'I'm not ready for a commitment'

Sean has been in a relationship for one and a half years and has been living with his girlfriend for the past eight months. She's cute, sweet, great with kids and his mum totally adores her. So what's the problem?

At 31, Sean feels that there might be more out there for him. "Maybe I'm not ready. I sometimes see myself alone and I'm okay with it!" he says, earnestly.

The adage 'for men, life begins at 40', may very well be true. At the foothill of 30, Sean doesn't really feel ready to take the plunge. "Maybe at 40," he says. But where would that leave his currently 30-year-old bride-in-waiting?

It's a dilemma Sean will have to wrestle with. As a result of living with someone day in day out, little quirks and habits are bound to cause friction. The way your partner talks, the way she rolls her eyes or forgets to make the bed these things start to eat at you. Her laughter isn't funny anymore. Her doting makes your skin crawl.

Does this mean you've fallen out of love or is this normal when two people live together something you're just meant to work on? Sean doesn't know and being at the start of his 'prime' is less inclined to want to work too hard, or feel any pressure to do so. The girl, however, is governed by the ticking of a biological clock, no matter how much she may not want to be.

If Sean should choose to 'not waste her time' or to 'have his freedom' (depending how you look at it), I am sure he will feel quite at home in the dating market, already teeming with plenty of 30-something singletons.

Rashid, 48 'Women are trouble'

Rashid is single, has always been, does not want to get married, and never wants to have kids. He describes himself as a misogynist. "People are not meant to be in permanent relationships," he says. "We're all animals driven to procreate."

His argument is 'why do something that's unnatural?' He understands himself, knows that he can never commit and hence chooses to live his life alone. Does he date? "No sex, no date," he jokes. But seriously, he does date, off and on, but that was more in his 30s.

Rashid lived with one woman for almost 20 years. It may not have been a relationship per se, but it was convenient and practical at the time. Being non-committal, it didn't last and wasn't expected to anyway.

With divorce rates soaring and couples breaking up left, right and centre, it's no wonder Rashid is averse to marriage. "Romance is dead, only lust is real," says this melodramatic of sorts, who loves reading Buddhist literature and philosophy.

Being older and somewhat wiser, he seems to have taken the non-conventional path, unfazed by any expectations of society or family. "At my age, I'm don't mind ending up alone," he says. "Women are too complex and it's too difficult to maintain (a relationship). They may seem independent at the start but they always expect something more in the end."

In a way, Rashid is being fair by choosing not to commit to anything he knows he cannot live up to. Call it jadedness, call it cynicism, the fact is, Rashid is fairly happy, which is more than what can be said for the dozens of friends he has lamenting to him about their marital problems.

A consumer's world

At the risk of sounding like Carrie Bradshaw, I am inclined to conclude that 30 is the new 20. At 30-something, most Malaysians still haven't found what they're looking for and perhaps don't even know what they want. And this is not just a man's dilemma, but also a woman's.

Unfortunately, this lack of certainty among both genders tends to feed off each other. Even if a man were to find a woman that suits him, what are the chances of her feeling the same? There are so many things at play - social standing, salary, car, financial status, humour, wit, fashion sense, ability to change a tyre these days women are demanding so much more from the opposite sex.

I blame it on consumerism. It's a consumer's world and we are totally, absolutely spoilt for choice. Go to a supermarket for peanut butter and you'll get chunky or creamy, with blackcurrant or without, in a jar or in a can, from Australia or Batu Pahat, low-fat or high-calcium, or both arggh, there are too many options.

And the greater your wealth or standing, the wider your options are. Could this be why we see so many successful women who 'just can't find the right guy'? These women are looking for super-chunky, blackcurrant, made in Australia, low-fat, high-calcium and the whole shebang. It doesn't exist.

So go for whatever's new on the market. Try it and if you don't like it, give it back. These days everybody has rights and freedom, and nothing can tie you down. Customers can always return unsatisfactory goods. Unhappy couples can always bring out the divorce papers. Too many options is not always a good thing and I can't help agreeing with Kissinger, who said, "The absence of alternatives clears the mind marvelously."

Considering the complexity of human emotions and expectations these days, it is not unusual to be dating at 30 whether you're attached or not. If you want facts, just look at the divorce rate, the number of single people in Klang Valley, the ageing population, the decline in birthrates. Or if you don't have access to official data, just perk up your ears. How many people have you heard complaining about their relationships, having extra-marital affairs or contemplating it?

Again, it all boils down to our consumer's instinct to want the very best. Good is never good enough. "We always want version 9.7892 or whatever's the latest," says Ron, a 34-year old Singaporean who has been married a year. According to him, love is not a feeling but a commitment. There's always going to be someone better that comes along, a newer model, a better version, but if we want the relationship to succeed, we just have to stick to it and put in the work.

But even if we did follow all the rules be committed, marry the right people with the right degree and the right job, does that guarantee happiness? Many say 'no', especially when they see something else out there they like or when someone better comes along.

Happiness is subjective

So the question is, can we ever be happy? Whether you marry for love, for money or for pure lust, there always seems to be room for discontent. In The Good Life (1998), Robert Scruton implies that happiness is an illusive state of mind. "Much of our moral confusion comes from the fact that we no longer know what happiness is, nor how to obtain it."

We've been conditioned to keep on striving for better. Get the best job, the hottest girl, the snazziest shoes. But at the same time we don't really know what we want. In the previous generation, there were far fewer divorces, possibly because there were far fewer choices.

With the onset of lax rules and freedom of choice, comes the complexity of choosing the best, most ideal partner. How can we stay loyal when we know there could be something new and more exciting coming up? What's stopping us from going for that new improved person with a better sense of humour/job/body? We are no longer expected to marry the partners our parents choose. Marriages can easily be discarded. And more and more people are choosing to go with their feelings rather than be governed by any conventions of society.

When asked whether he would go out with a married woman, Jon said, "Yes if she was unhappy." In this kind of free market, men and women in relationships may have trouble finding security. Singletons have problems too. As more and more women rise up the income scale, men are finding it harder to find a suitable mate. "Women want men to be something they're not," said Jon. "And they don't want to marry beneath them."

Tackling the problem

Should men and women be less picky? Should married couples work harder and be more tolerant of each other? Or does the root of the problem lie deeper in legislation should divorces be made more difficult to obtain?

"Actually, I think it's marriages that should be harder to get into," said Kye, a 39- year-old expat. His is an interesting line of thought: couples are getting into marriage without understanding the full responsibilities involved or how to make it work. That's why so many of them don't.

Chong, 29, shares the same belief. That's why he and his wife went for a 'marriage course' before they tied the knot. It was not a compulsory thing but something they chose to do as a couple. RM480 covered six classes, one and a half hours each, which taught them the rules of marriage, what it's all about and how to improve its chances of success.

Not very romantic maybe, but many married people believe that marriage is not about romance. "Marriage will never be 100 percent perfect," said Ron. "That 'feeling' will always go away, and after that it's a lot of hard work."

Does that mean true love doesn't exist, that it's just a coincidence of timing and goals two people wanting to settle down and build something together at a certain point in their lives? Are people just settling for what they have when they feel they're ready to take the next step? "I guess you can call it settling," Ron says. "But I guess you have to come to terms that you'll never find the perfect woman. And if she's 80 percent there, it's okay. The remaining 20 percent, you just have to work at it."

It sure takes the Hollywood fluff out of marriage and brings relationships to the ground, but the question is, are 20-somethings ready for this kind of commitment? As my sample size of five wedding dinners shows, 30 seems to be the age when people start to think about making this sort of commitment.

As to the question of whether to be single or not, no one can answer that on anyone's behalf. Some say humans are not meant to live alone. Others like Jon seem to be having a blast on their own. He did say one thing, though, that might give couples some solace. "Sometimes I wake up thinking that I'm happy to be single," he says. "But there are times when I think, man, that was one cold night."

Note: Names have all been changed.