The student was chosen by the teacher, to learn about tasawuf , the science of the purification of the mind, soul and body. To submit to God, and forget the world, for the world was temporary.

She had been on a spiritual quest for the last few years, to make sense of her crumbling world and to materialise her true self. The one that God saw - the inner heart. From one teacher to classes and healers, she met them all, until one fateful day, the teacher saw her playing with a cat in the garden and asked about her.

They met, with the blessings of her family. She became his willing disciple, and caught on to the lessons quickly.

Recitations of the heart

Everyday she recited There is no God but Allah and Mohammad is His Messenger to purify her heart of anger, sadness, bitterness, all the blackness that can cause a soul to rot or die.

Her strength came back and she felt that life was turning for the better.

He sent her thick letters, full of instruction on how to become a member of Wali-wali Kutub (saints). Each evening, between Maghrib and Isyak prayers (dusk and night) she was to recite the following:

Ya Dzul Jalali Wal Ikram - The Lord of Majesty and Generosity

Followed by more recitations and praises to God such as:

Rabbana atina fiddunya hasanatun wa fil akhirati hasanatun wa khina adhabannar (O Allah, bestow on us the best in this world and the best in the hereafter and save us from the punishment of the hellfire.)

He told her that it would take about a month for her to succeed, but she was diligent, and after a week of prayers, one night, a slight waft of musk and incense visited her room. She was startled and curious, and called her teacher to find out what the smell was.

"You are now a member of our sect," he said.

She was bemused, but kept on praying.

He told her she had more to do, for to be one with God, she had to cleanse everything that was in her heart. Step up on her prayers, she was told.

So she performed extra prayers. Not only did she perform the mandatory five prayers, she woke up at 3am to perform Tahajjud and Hajat prayers (these supplementary prayers are performed in the middle of the night, such as three in the morning. These prayers are executed before Subuh - dawn - prayers. View this as a sort of meditation that Muslims perform to 'converse' with God). She recited the Yassin , the heart of the Quran, three times after the prayers, and when all was done, she sat up on her bed to wait for dawn. Sometimes she would read a book written by Sheikh Abd Al-Qadir Al-Jilani, which was a present from an old love. She had many books, but this one was close to her heart.

On some mornings she would look out of her window and think of her past and her life. Lately she felt that the world she inhabited was crushing her. Memories of the old love tickled and saddened her, and she thought, why do I feel so spent?

PhD

The teacher sent her more letters and now text messages to her cellphone. He told her than soon she would be taking over his role, as a healer and teacher. She was going to receive another document, telling her to perform more rituals after Isyak prayers, in addition to what she was already performing.

Soon, after dawn prayers, she was to perform more.

She was stunned.

I work, she told her teacher. I cannot cope. If I do all this, I will not be able to work.

"You have to," he exclaimed. "Do you not realise that others would kill to have your knowledge, while you are blessed by God? You have a gift."

A gift?

"One day, you will heal people. One day, you will take over my job."

She kept quiet.

She plodded on, praying as best as she could. Yet, deep in her heart, she was troubled.

Last week there was a confrontation.

He had sent her another message, to say that her life was doomed because she had sinned. She was to repent, repent, repent, and the reason why her life was in such a disarray was that she had gone against God's law.

She flared up.

"There are many evil people out there and their lives are good. I have done nothing, and I have sinned?" she shouted over the telephone.

"Do not shout," he said, "I am dying, and I need someone to take over my duties. I need a student and you have been chosen. You are my Beloved. You have to repent to heal others. I can see that your future will be spent healing people."

"Those are your dreams. Not mine," she said.

"You do not have any dreams. You belong to God and me."

"I do not belong to you."

"I will not let you go. I have taken you under my wing. You belong to me, Beloved."

Her skin crawled when she heard him utter the endearment.

She ended the conversation.

He sent her text messages almost everyday, like a feverish lover about to go mad, for fear of losing his soul mate. Like Laila and Majnun, Ali and Nino, Elena and Pierre, he could not let her go. She was too embedded in his heart for him to forget.

Forgive me. Forgive me , he begged.

She never replied.

The hunt for a new teacher had begun, but she knew this for sure:

She belonged to no one else but God.

And herself.

DINA ZAMAN lives in KL with her family.