This piece, in condensed form, first appeared on the writer's website .

I received an email from my aunt yesterday, telling me that she will be in Bangi over the weekend because there will be a 'meeting kenduri'. Yes, it seems that the wheels are beginning to turn on the wedding preparations for Angah, my sister, and I don't know if I should feel guilty or feel glad that I am not there right now. Having been privy to the wedding preparations of many a friend (yes, most people my age are married with 1.5 kids, building that white picket fence), I don't even want to begin to imagine what it feels like being the bride-to-be.

You want everything to go smoothly come D-Day (or should that be, W-Day?), so the efforts are really put in weeks and months before the event. Outside looking in, it looks complicated, overwhelming and very scary. Inside looking out, I can just imagine distant screams of "Help! Help! Get me out of here!!" as I plead ignorance to the intricacies of the preparation from ten thousand miles away.

Those of you who know both me and Angah will definitely know how distinctly different we are: to a point where I can say, she embodies everything that I am not, and vice versa. She has already chosen a color scheme - apparently all of us have to dress in a certain colour as members of the family of the bride, and immediate family (i.e. the Zakarians plus mom and dad) are to be in identical dress. Cue my kain-sepapan kebaya - I hope Achik gets a kebaya made too so we can wow the public and deflect the attention from the bride.

Let's go shopping!

Days before my departure back to England last January, the shopping spree began. Trips to Jalan Tuanku Abdul Rahman to choose the right kind of material for each phase of the wedding, the matching headscarves, the right kind of slippers to wear... God forbid, of course, that any of us should turn up in the sport sandals that we so lovingly allow to caress the precious soles of our feet. There were more items on that shopping list, I am sure of it. It is just that I fell asleep when we got to item 343.

Then the trips down to Melaka - or was it Ayer Hitam, I forget - to scout the best 'bekas bunga telur' (door gift holders). The idea was that these two locations offered value for money when buying in bulk, although how much of that 'value' has since been dissolved by the associated petrol costs, car tyre wear and tear and damage to the environment, we still do not know. We are, nevertheless, thankful, that the trip was made in days ayonder when petrol was still affordable.

Although defying tradition, I am quite glad that Angah gets to 'go first'; because this will give my family (nuclear and extended) the wedding they want to plan. My friends tell me that weddings aren't about the bride and groom, but about the parents and what they want. In which case, by handing over the reins to the second born, I think I have given them the opportunity to stage the event of the century. I blame a childhood deprived of 'Pride and Prejudice', 'Little Women' and 'Anne of Green Gables' as the reason why I have no romantic garden wedding inclinations whatsoever. In return for my gesture of ultimate kindness, I expect an iPod as a langkah bendul gift (a compensation gift for the unmarried eldest child) since money is not allowed, and iPods are easier to pawn off on eBay than my Creative vision:M (which I will own, once greed takes over from sense). None of this kain batik stuff please, I have three very unused pieces lying desolately in my cupboard.

Yes, it does look like I am poking fun at all this, and admittedly I am, because making jokes and cracking not-so-funny anecdotes are the ways in which I control one particular emotion: fear. I am actually quite scared of the lavish wedding preparation process. Everything looks so, so complicated, and if it were me in the hotseat, I can just imagine how spectacularly I will fail. Physically, people may think I am the 'strong' one, but oh, trust me when it comes to the real thing, it is Angah who has all the guts, embarking on this journey I am totally in fear of even thinking about.

I'm going to run

I am tempted, when my time comes (yes, when, not if), to leave the preparation to the people in Malaysia and just fly in for the akad (solemnisation of marriage). However, there is a risk that I may be put into some nasty hot pink songket concoction, and also that my folks, in their absolute relief that I am finally doing something that is 'expected of me', may have just booked PWTC as the reception hall. (However, Angah has reliably informed me that if I hold off my marriage 'just' long enough, my parental units would heave such a massive sigh of relief when I finally settle down that even an Old Trafford wedding would be sanctioned.)

However, this cannot be, because I just want a simple akad - my dad can be the wali - the witness; invited are close family and friends only. I don't really care if we were to turn up in bridal whites, or just jeans and a t-shirt on a beach somewhere, but I think the words 'white', 'baju kurung' and 'masjid' play a large role in that particular future. The only words I want to hear are 'Sah' and 'Sah', meaning at that point, it will be all over. I don't actually want a reception but I suppose there will be many people who will want to see with their own eyes to be able to believe that a) I am committing myself to a man for the rest of my life and b) I will be all dolled up; so I suppose I might relent.

I do not want to, however, have a bersanding ceremony. I don't even know if anyone will ever talk me into/convince me that wearing songket and eating at the front of a hall filled with people is a good idea. You do not know how messy an eater I am, and don't say the bride is not supposed to eat because that's just plain wrong: where there is food, it should be eaten. If people bring me lots and lots of nice presents (read: Ikea vouchers, lots of DVDs / CDs / books and gadgets) I will be polite and stand at the door to greet the guests as they arrive.

Perhaps my only extravagance on that day would be having photos taken; but I doubt I will pay for that - instead I will get my photographer friends to do it for favours that are worth more than money, ahem. That is because when it all falls apart soon after, because if nothing else is certain, then one thing that is, is my propensity to screw things up so royally even the Queen would approve, I will at least have pictures to prove that it was not all a dream.

IDLAN ZAKARIA has just returned from a three-day road trip around Scotland, where she has discovered that Irn Bru is as orange as a natural Scotsman's hair.