About five years ago, I had an almost fatal heart attack.

I had just taken to jogging early in the morning, and my partner in crime was a correspondent for the now defunct Asiaweek magazine, Arjuna Ranawana. He had to lose weight, while I wanted to become fit. Our jogging areas were at Taman Titiwangsa and the KLCC park.

As usual, we made our way sleepily through the park, Arjuna cursing at his sluggish weight loss while I was comatose. We waddled and walked, and yelled in shock when the bushes by the trail shook violently, and two 'spirits' scooted out from beneath the shrubs. We stared in wide eyed amazement as a young man dashed off in one direction, while his partner ran off, calling for him, adjusting her headscarf.

"Why couldn't they just get a room? It must have been very uncomfortable down there, all those branches and twigs," he said.

Don't fall in love

Falling in love in Malaysia is a double edged sword. On one hand if you get caught, there's the issue of economics: if you're rich you won't get caught because you can either pay off the offending officers or do the nasty in five star hotels, but if you're poor and randy, you've got to deal with pokey bushes, cars (make sure their suspensions are strong) and parks. In the meantime your escapades make you famous in Malay tabloids and unscrupulous voyeurs rich, who actually say they film your royal randiness in action in the name of God, to show the masyarakat how wild young Muslims have become.

I am so glad I am tak laku . At least I don't have this problem to deal with.

Our good friend GS , who's made a passing appearance in this column before, asked me the other day when we went out for teh tarik at Uptown.

"Dina, kat sini nak parking kat mana hah?" (Where can we go park?)

"We just parked your car. Kan sini belambak parking space?" (There are lots of places to park here)

GS, who's just been rendered to the role of pseudo boyfriend/husband to my friends and I (a lot of crazies in KL you know?), blushed.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" I squealed. "GS has a girlfriend! GS has a girlfriend!"

"I don't. Just that, who knows... and I live with my parents..."

Ah, the trials and tribulations of being divorced in Malaysia. We move back to our parents' house and become their two year old kids again.

"I thought you were going to wait until you remarry to have sex," I smirked.

"Hallo, of course lah I am going to wait, but parking is not haram okay? And it's time I had a girlfriend!"

"Some of these ulamas may argue with you on that point. Anyway, back to your question: I don't know where to go 'parking'. Do I look like a make-out GPS system to you?"

The poor boy was so dejected.

When is a kiss not a kiss?

Now that a young Chinese couple has been summoned and will face legal repercussions for 'indecent behaviour' in a city park, what constitutes immorality? One of the stories that transpired was that one of them played the violin while the other read a letter out loud.

Heavens, since when did over-sentimentality become illegal? Was the scenario so saccharine sweet that the officers that arrested them felt compelled to sour the situation?

The issue of policing public actions, especially morality is a dicey one. Yes, yes, we are a multi-racial country, the constitution says that we are free to practise our own religion, but Malaysia IS a Muslim country, albeit modern, and secular we mustn't forget we are also multi-racial. Hence cultural sensitivities have to be taken into account.

Yet surely, not everyone is against moral policing?

I'll play Devil's Advocate here: I for one, don't enjoy seeing couples, whatever age they are, making out in public. I was at Borders Times Berjaya Square last week, and I saw a young couple on the escalator kissing each other incessantly. When I have the courage to face the crowds in KLCC, I see many courting couples of various races. Sometimes passion overwhelms them one hand will slide into the girl's jeans (not pockets mind you), the girl will then nip her boyfriend's ear manja -ly, if there is such a word, and this is full view of everyone else that's stuck in the lift with them.

For crying out loud, get a goddamned room.

Then there's the randy couple that has to make out in a cinema. In front of me, who's short.

This is why I support the DVD pirates. I'm not going to pay RM10 to watch porn when I want to watch a grand foreign tragedy on film.

But that's me being a curmudgeon. A grumpy old coot who doesn't believe in love.

A quick, tender kiss on the cheek, and holding hands are fine. I think that's sweet. Full blown make-out sessions? What constitutes immorality though?

If enforcement officers want to swoop on young lovebirds for showing their love publicly, what about the scions of established families and leaders of communities and businesses that patronise karaoke lounges and fool around with GROs? Isn't that immoral too?

What may be haram for Muslims can be contentious too for Muslims in Malaysia practise their own ideas of the faith. The conservatives will hail the move while liberals will see this as an infringement of their civil rights. For non-Muslims, this can be seen in two ways: the conservative and older generation of Chinese, Indians may nod and agree while the younger generation of non-Muslims will view this as a direct infringement of their privacy.

What is 'just a' kiss then? What is tonsil hockey? If both parties are consenting adults, how are they going to be approached for being 'naughty?' Will the officers act like those Rela officers that trashed the poor Indian labourers, or will they have sensitivity training?

Three interviews

The way I see it, and after talking to the in-house Ustaz my father and friends like Idlan Zakaria et al, we are stepping on a moral, religious and racial landmine.

"I think we are spending too much time moralising people who get it on with consent," Idlan said on Yahoo Messenger, "but not enough time eradicating incest, rape and forced marriages. Why don't we investigate why incest happens? Or illicit porn watching in the kampungs? Yes, Islamically, kissing before marriage is wrong bla bla bla so set up laws of moral decency. Kat UK pun ada public indecency laws. DAPSY's argument tu kan... diorang demand better laws, as in better wording. Yes I know you wanna raba your stupid boyfriend's dick. Get a room lah. The sin is the same - kat park ke kat parking lot ke - sama je. But hey, consensual ok. These are two adults yang tahu halal haram, yang agree"

Pak Sheikh the family driver, gave his two sens: "We are Muslims, it's not nice to see these displays of affection. Even countries overseas have their own public indecency laws... kat England tu, if you misbehave in any manner that affects your immediate neighbours - be you drunk or immoral - you get caught by the police. I am sure non-Muslim parents don't like seeing and hearing their children behaving wildly, no?"

My father? "Holding hands okay. Are you holding anyone's hand?!"

"I swear to God on everything holy that I'm not and no one else is."

This is another reason why I don't date. My father hates any man that comes his daughters' way.

But after the news report in NST today, my friend David text'ed me to say: Who gave JAKIM moral authority over me, a NON-MUSLIM?

Maybe I'm overreacting but if moral policing becomes a norm, there goes my friendships with my male friends. Our morning walks and nasi lemak sessions will fly out the window. There's nothing immoral or vulgar about these friendships, except perhaps for the time GS pointed out at a monkey in the TTDI park, and said it was my long lost cousin.

Our male friends also send us girls back home after a long dinner and night out. Now what happens if a friend's courtly ways is misinterpreted as immoral, for sending a woman home? That there are only the two of them in the car? And what of the dinner between two platonic friends?

Anything can be misinterpreted and misconstrued.

I was actually told that there should be two sets of laws: for Muslims and non-Muslims. So, Muslims must behave with utter decorum in public, while non-Muslims are allowed to behave the way as they wish.

My first ever off-off Broadway play

The fact that young Muslim couples have to resort to necking behind or under bushes shows that there is a problem. It's not like the old days when you reach puberty you're married off and your lustiness is exercised immediately. These days, people marry later. Then like all loved up men and women around the world, young lovers wish to create their own private worlds, so they retreat to quiet places. Sakit badan sakit badan lah. Now supposing young non-Muslim couples are allowed to hold hands and kiss in public, how would young Muslims feel?

I really am thankful I'm old, divorced and have no energy to deal with romance. Can you just imagine the logistics of a romantic operation?

Play title: The End of Love , a farcical tragicomedy of Shakespearean epic

A - 39 year old man

B - 39 year old woman

Act 1

A: Ok. Okokokokokokok I want to kiss you. But we can't do it here.

B: Okeh. So where do we do it?

They drive around and around and around and settle in front of a house.

A: Why here? The owners of the house will see us!

B: I am not going to make out behind the Damansara Heights Septic Tank.

A: Okay babeh, let's get down to business

B: Ow! Ow! OWWWWWWWWWW!

A: (Apehal dengan minah ni?) What's wrong babeh?

B: The brake is poking my knee!

A: Shit. I'm not a teenager anymore. Let's go to a hotel.

Act II

Arrive at hotel. At lobby:

B: We are not entering a hotel room.

A: Why not?

B: I don't fancy getting caught by JAWI.

A: We are not going to be caught. This is a SIX STAR hotel!

B: NO. I am not some cheap GRO or mistress you can take and lambung-lambung in a hotel room.

A: No wonder I'm impotent.

B: Yeah.

There is no Act III. It's not bleeding worth it.

You know, I don't even want to analyse. I'm heading to Jakarta this week for an Islamic camp and I've got bigger issues to deal with: the possible eruption of Mount Merapi. My father says this could be the next Pompeii. Oh my God, how am I ever going to concentrate on becoming a better Muslim with a spouting volcano nearby? I might end up as a putrified exhibit in the Smithsonian Museum one day.

I'll see you in two weeks. In the meantime, don't fall in love, don't kiss, don't hold hands. Remember this: LOVE EQUALS TO JAIL. So stay home and behave. Duk rumah tu, 'ngaji Quran . Read the Bible or Torah and holy scriptures. Amen!

Glossary:

Tak laku - unwanted. Unpopular.

Apehal dengan minah ni -what is wrong with this woman?

Lambung-lambung - throw around. Visualise roti canai being made.

DINA ZAMAN lives in KL with her family. Once in a while she's booted out of the house for some airing. KL is a strange place for a single woman.