I don't think so.

To be a divorced woman in this country is a two pronged sword: it is a blessing, for the woman to start anew as well as a punishment, for Malay society does not favour 'jandas' well.

We are the scarlet women in our society, and no matter how pious and charitable we are, until we are married to men that are not your husbands, we are whores in your eyes.

'Janda Gatal'

I was in Indonesia when news of Rantau Panjang (PAS) MP Fatah Haron's verbal glitch came about. I just sat on the chair, reading and re-reading the sms's that jammed my cellphone.

He 'had proof' that divorcees were all gatal.

I thought of my aunts and relatives there were struggling single mothers. Of my friends, in spite of their supersonic careers, cracking their heads trying to keep their families together while their former spouses whooped it up in town. Of the women I met at the Syariah Court, we were all in the same boat once, and the ones that I read in newspapers.

Gatal ?

We don't have the time to be gatal .

We have to pay off debts, take care of families, look happy and be strong, we have to perform superhuman feats just to survive. By the time we get to bed, sex is the last thing on our minds.

Fatah reminds me of the many Malay men my friends and I have the misfortune to meet: they woo a woman to death and won't take no for an answer, but when the woman blows off their advances, these men can't take the heat and tell the whole country she blew them in every nook and cranny.

You would think that now you are divorced, the world is your oyster. You are ready to start anew. You are ready to live.

Not just yet hon.

First, you'll find that your married Malay girlfriends distancing themselves from you. They're scared, you see, that you'll steal their husbands.

So they send you vitriolic emails to you, so you behave. Let's see, I got one from a former friend, and here's an excerpt of it:

"Sedarlah bahawa masyarakat Melayu memandang rendah terhadap kaum awak, iaitu kaum JANDA. Sedarlah awak bahawa awak tu tak ada status dalam masyarakat Melayu dan Islam." (Realise that the Malays look down on your kind, i.e. divorcees. Realise that you have no status in Malay and Muslim society.)

This coming from a titled personage's daughter and a graduate of a very good foreign university, who only spoke and wrote in ENGLISH before, because 'dia tak main Melayu-Melayu ni'. ('She didn't do the Malay thing').

After receiving too many emails like that, I told her if she didn't watch it, I'd have her husband for breakfast, lunch, tea, dinner and supper and he would never crawl into her bed again.

Suffice to say, our friendship went to pot after that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, me and my temper. Sigh.

I know that there are a few divorcees in this town that make it a profession to prey on men, be they taken or single. Heck, you guys probably know them too.

But let me tell you this: there are a good number of divorced women that do not condone such behaviour and conduct immoral activities, for these reasons:

(1) We know what it is like to be cheated on

(2) And we know what is haram and halal .

If you thought it was funny that there are celibate men in this country, well, there are many more women that do not transgress to zina (illegal sexual intercourse), however difficult it may be to believe. Yes, even among modern and covered Muslim women, we know what is right and wrong.

Not only do you lose your girlfriends, you then meet men that have only one thing on their minds: to be the first man to deflower you upon your divorce. These poor delusional sods.

Press conferences, statements and we're still confused

The last few months saw a flurry of press conferences, meetings, forums and letters sent to editors denouncing and applauding the Federal Territory Islamic Family Law that was deemed controversial and not 'women-friendly'. In an about-turn that surprised many women, Women, Family and Community Development Minister, YB Dato Seri Shahrizat Abdul Jalil conducted a press conference to announce that, "The controversy surrounding the Islamic Family Law (Federal Territories) (Amendment ) Act 2005 was due merely to "different interpretations" of provisions that, in principle, are sound laws that would protect Muslim women and children."

She described it as "rock-steady and Syariah-compliant" and was a vast improvement on the current, and differing, Syariah laws found in the various states.

"These laws, other than to standardise and streamline Islamic family laws throughout Malaysia, is meant to protect and promote the rights and interests of women, particularly in regulating polygamy, distribution of joint-property, maintenance, and improving the administration of the Syariah courts."

One moment it's not favourable to women, and the next it is?

Another example of Us Versus The Rest: in a Bernama report, Siti Jamilah Sheikh Abdullah from Muslim Professionals Forum Berhad who spoke on behalf of the four NGOs (Angkatan Belia Islam Malaysia (ABIM), Khalifah Institute and Islamic Information and Services Foundation (IIS), MPF and JIM) said any criticisms and comments on Syariah matters should only be made by parties well versed in the sources of the Syariah namely, Al-Quran, Hadith (Authentic Traditions of the Prophet), Ijma' (Consensus), Qiyas (Analogy) and other sources of Islamic Jurisprudence.

Since yours truly and the rest of Malaysia aren't experts in Syariah matters, where does that leave us? That because we are ignorant, we shouldn't be making comments? We have every right to know what's happening.

Efforts (I made) to contact and meet with one of the Muslims NGOs the Muslim Professional Forum failed to materialise due to 'a clash of schedules'.

"The level of understanding of law among women in Malaysia is still low and should be improved to prevent them from being misled on law," Dr Harlina Haliza Siraj of Jemaah Islah Malaysia (JIM) told reporters Monday after meeting Women, Family and Community Development Minister Datuk Seri Shahrizat Abdul Jalil to convey JIM's support for the implementation of the law.

Wanita JIM had asked the government to hold briefing sessions to explain the law to the people, especially women to ensure they grasped its significance fully.

I pray this happens. A lot of women are angry and confused, and if their sisters in power aren't doing much, we Muslim women are in trouble. Enough of this high-handed and self-righteous agendas: we want to know, and we want to know now.

How to get a divorce

Let me tell you how one gets a divorce in this town. Be it via sms, a phone call, a fax or verbally, divorce is a lonely process.

Let's say you and your spouse decide to call it a day, but he tells you to do all the administrative task because he can't be bothered to go to JAKIM to get the forms.

You go clueless, thinking that this is the way to do it. Go to JAKIM, JAIS et al, get the forms, fill them up and state why divorce is the solution to your marital woes, hand them over to the clerks and wait for a court date.

If the divorce is mutual, the proceedings are quick. Hassle-free. If it's the husband that files for divorce, nobody blinks an eye. Bini tak erti jaga laki, kan ?

If it's a woman that makes the first move?

Everyone will make sure you, said woman, will end up in legal hell. You could write a caper about the intricacies and misadventures that happen when you're getting a divorce. From being given the wrong forms to fill and advised to file for this type of divorce under this section, and meeting disinterested or unsympathetic clerks and managers, and maneuvering yourself from one department to another, getting a divorce is like being stuck in a maze. Female friends that have asserted their rights tell me of horror stories that they encountered throughout divorce proceedings. From badly given legal advice from lawyers that couldn't be contacted at important times, to snide remarks by syariah court clerks, divorce in Malaysia, or at least KL, is a bad tele-novela.

One clerk will tell you that your divorce falls under this section. You go back and read up and ask around and find that your case really is a 'fasakh' case. No, no, the git tells you, it is your husband's Muslim right to divorce you.

"How the (expletive) is he going to divorce me when he has run off and can't be contacted?"

Because of your brazen cheek, you hussy, nobody wants to be cooperative.

A friend that was a clear cut case of abandonment was advised by her lawyer to seek 'kuluq'.

"Why 'kuluq' when your husband has not maintained you for three years? Zahir and batin tak ada! He can't be found too!" I asked.

"Because I'm asking for (divorce)," she said.

If you think horror divorce stories belong to womenfolk, some men have it bad too. A male friend that went through a divorce recently told me that if the court had really followed God's law, his marriage would have been annulled a long time ago, but he only saw the light of day this year. "In Islam, if your marriage has not been consummated for four months marriage over lah kan? She ran off with her boyfriend, never came back for a year, and the case was dragged out in court for the next one year. Legally in the eyes of the KL Syariah Court we were still married! So what am I? Nusyuz?"

And if you think that divorces end upon the receipt of your divorce certificate (frame it up for all to see everyone!), wait until it's Income Tax time. A lot of women have found that their former spouses have not declared their divorces, hence are still claiming tax rebates or 'pelepasan'. Next time ladies, no matter how much you love your spouse, keep your taxes separate. Yes you can do that.

I'm a lawyer, here's my card

I talked to my lawyer, Azmi Rais. I talked to Syariah stalwart, Tuan Haji Sulaiman Abdullah. They say that the Courts are friendly to both genders. I talked to an old and dear (female) classmate who's a successful syariah lawyer today. And she sniffed.

"The Islamic Family Law - the true essence of it, is very favourable to women. What has been tabled out today looks very good for women, on paper. The problem is the implementation of these laws, and when you have a bunch of Malay idiots that are all fire and brimstone and view women as second class citizens, the process is not going to be easy. Which is why to help the client get the best 'deal' she or he has to invest in a good Syariah lawyer, and how many people can afford legal fees?"

As a lawyer that has represented both sides, she has seen the chauvinism towards women. The male spouses could be the 'worst of mankind' but ultimately prejudice and resentment will be directed towards the wives.

"And when it involves children it gets worse."

I was very lucky. I had a good lawyer. I had the means to hire a good one. But I remember observing these legal beagles while I waited for my turn in court; is it legal for lawyers to tout their services at the Syariah Court? I was approached by two to three young and eager lawyers, to use their services. I turned them down as I was already represented, but surely, the blatant advertisement of their wares are not to be encouraged? I've even seen business cards stuck on the walls! The scenario reminded me of vultures circling in the sky, about to pounce on their victim.

When the IFL issue broke out, I received a number of emails from women in stressful marriages asking for advice. They were confused, and whenever they tried getting their lawyers, they were always 'in a meeting'. One who was in a very abusive marriage was advised by her lawyer to stay in the marriage for the sake of the children.

What good would that do if the mother was half-dead from beatings? The children would be in deeper trouble. I am not a lawyer and neither am I a shrink, but when it comes to matters pertaining to family and human emotions, I expect compassion and empathy. Yes, what's another divorce to a XXX lawyer, who's seen it all? He or she may be jaded, but the knife is still deeply embedded in the victim's heart.

As a Muslim woman, I have been brought up to know that my religion is fair to both genders; in fact, in many cases, Islam is women-friendly. I do not argue with God's Rule, but I do not have sympathy for the men and women that play 'God' in a married couple's life. I could write a book on the insults my friends and relatives had to endure as they looked upon a bleak future.

The powers that be should also look into retraining their personnel, sensitising them to the needs and emotions of others. For God's sakes, get educated, exposed and empowered staff, instead of these supercilious and incompetent fools that give the religion and the Court a bad name. That goes for the clerks, the security guards, everyone.

Maybe what every Muslim needs to undergo is a divorce. Then you'll know what we women go through. I highly recommend it it toughens you and proves your mettle.

To the women that emailed me, I have only this to say: do not fear divorce. God will provide for you. Work at the marriage until you both can't, and leave as amicably as you can. The world may view you suspiciously, but you'll lead an extraordinary life, and that's a hell lot better than living in a dysfunctional marriage.

DINA ZAMAN plans to write and publish a free booklet on the nuts and bolts of divorce, based on advice given by friends, family and her lawyer. Some of the tips bordered on the bizarre! For example: 'Dress up to show them who they're dealing with.' 'DON'T dress up because the people there don't like glamorous women.' 'Visit your judge after office and rayu to him'.

No wonder some people just stay in loveless marriages.