A few weeks ago, I came across three articles in Berita Harian that piqued my interest. The first article reported that many of our youngsters had very little knowledge of sex (apparently some didn't even know what a vagina is). In the next article, the wife of the Deputy Prime Minister, Datin Seri Rosmah Mansor, expressed her concern at the rising rate of HIV and AIDS infections in the country. The final one was a commentary on cases of abandoned babies (the following week, Berita Harian carried a report on another baby that was abandoned by its parents in Machang).

This got me thinking. We pride ourselves on being a moral society (and for the Muslims, of holding true to our Islamic selves) - not for us the depravity of the West! We are so mindful of our morality that we censor kisses on our television screens, and ban any public displays of affection.

Yet for all this, babies continue to be abandoned in our country, and the number of HIV/AIDS infections steadily increases.

Guardians of our morals

It is all very well for our moral guardians to wring their hands and pontificate about those who don't want to "memelihara maruah diri" and "mudah dihasut syaitan menyebabkan mereka hanyut dibuai nafsu" (sinners swayed by the devil). It is easy to say that religion and a strong moral compass will solve all issues. Unfortunately life is often messy and complex.

Remember the student who, just over a year ago, gave birth in her university room and then hid her baby for hours whilst she sought medical treatment? There were many who did not hesitate to condemn her. How could a mother be so cruel and heartless as to leave her newborn baby like that? Why, some women even abandon their babies in rubbish dumps! Aren't women like this terrible, and how lacking in humanity and religious values they are!

What I find very curious (or maybe I am the only one who finds this curious, given that I am a woman) is that in many cases of baby abandonment, it is the mothers who are usually universally condemned. The men involved somehow manage to escape both mention and blame over the sorry state of affairs.

Therefore, lest anyone forgets, let us remind ourselves of one extremely pertinent fact - immaculate conception may be a miracle, but it's not going to happen in our world. No, it takes two to tango. In this world, a baby is created from man and woman.

Strange, isn't it. Sex is so taboo in our society that we don't allow ourselves to talk about it with honesty. Instead, whenever sex is mentioned, it is accompanied by phrases like perbuatan terkutuk or kegiatan maksiat. No wonder we as a society find it difficult to deal with issues that arise because of sexual behaviour. What do you do when your whole discourse is based on the premise that sex is dirty and sinful, yet that hasn't stopped people from having sex and being burdened with its consequences?

What our society doesn't appear to have grasped is that people will have sex whether they are married or not. Having sexual desires is, dare I say it, a normal physiological function of our bodies, something that our religious and moral codes attempt to regulate through marriage (presumably because having multiple sexual partners is not deemed a good thing).

Sex ed?

Although Berita Harian reports that some youngsters have little knowledge of sex, this has not stopped many from experimenting. After all, despite attempts to edit out any sexual references from our media, it is still extraordinarily easy for anyone who is even half-determined to seek sexual gratification. The internet has a plethora of sex sites (yes, even Malay ones), and any teenager worth his salt would know how to obtain a pornographic magazine or DVD.

Of course, we learnt about the mechanics of our bodies in science class. I remember a lesson at fourteen when our teacher told us all about zakar and faraj and how sperma would travel to the ovum.

But that was it.

Nobody told us about relationships, contraception, risks, making choices or safe sex. We knew in theory how we could get pregnant, but nobody told us that it could happen anytime, that you could become pregnant the first time you have sex. Nobody told us about sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Nobody told us how to deal with the first sexual advance we would face, and nobody told us how to deal with a burgeoning sexual desire (though we were told in no uncertain terms in religious classes that sex outside marriage was zina, and a grave sin).

So we knew about the biology, and we knew the religious point of view, but we weren't taught what experts would call "life skills". We weren't taught how to deal with the line "if you loved me you'd do it". What do we do if we were in a compromising situation, and far from wanting to stop, we wanted to continue? Nobody taught us this. We had to find out ourselves.

Some of us, I suppose, were lucky. We managed to gather some information. We found enough self-awareness and self-discipline to say no, either to wait for marriage or for the right person. But not everyone; as Shalina Azhar of the Malaysian AIDS Council puts it, "in this day and age, who waits for a HABIB wedding band and a pelamin before experimenting?"

Don't think that a tudung can save you from temptation - a friend of mine almost proudly told me how he seduced the only tudung-labuhed girl in his year at college, and a few years back I was forwarded an email that had pictures of a tudung-ed girl enjoying herself (the comments made focused exclusively on condemning the girl; as usual the boy escaped mention and censure).

What do you do if you become pregnant then? What if you know that your family, instead of helping you, would rather disown you for bringing shame? What if your partner dumps you as soon as you tell him you're pregnant? What if there was absolutely nobody you could turn to for help and guidance? What then?

Imagine if you could somehow hide your pregnancy for its whole duration. Nobody's found out, so why not dump the baby and keep the secret?

The police and the Welfare Department state that most cases of abandonment involve young women who are left traumatised after finding themselves deserted by their partners as soon as pregnancy is confirmed.

For Muslim women, the situation is compounded by the fact that they may well end up in Syariah Court for zina (sex outside marriage is a crime under Syariah laws; if convicted a person could be fined or jailed). The fact that our Kanun Keseksaan imposes a maximum jail sentence of twenty years for women who are found guilty of abandoning their babies (whilst leaving their partners scot-free) doesn't help either.

What about the men?

Deserted by their partners and facing an uncertain life with a baby alone, coupled with the threat of a fine or a jail sentence hanging over them, it is no wonder that for those who cannot go through an abortion (which is expensive - and illegal - in Malaysia), dumping the baby becomes a highly attractive option. Women who abandon their babies do so not because they are cruel or hate their baby, but because they are so desperate and frightened that they see no other way out.

Commentaries on abandoned babies and sex in our country frequently mention the bad influences of the West. The West is a cesspit of sexual immorality, a place where men and women are free to indulge in as much sexual depravity as they want. That may arguably be so, but the fact is, there are proportionately fewer cases of babies being abandoned in many Western countries.

Between 2000 and 2003, research from the Royal Malaysian Police published by Berita Harian showed that there were 323 cases of baby abandonment (these are presumably the ones that the police knew about). That's an average of about 100 babies a year. By contrast, in Britain, figures from the Home Office showed that a total of 49 babies were abandoned in 2004, down from 57 in 2003.

For all its permissiveness, societies in the West are much more forgiving and understanding towards unmarried mothers. The attitude of people in the West towards this issue tends to be one of "I'd rather have many unmarried mothers openly supported by society than babies abandoned at birth".

Some cities in Germany for instance, have safe havens called "The Baby Cradle" set up at hospitals where mothers may leave their babies in complete safety and anonymity. Once the babies have been left, there is a system in place that alerts nurses. For about eight weeks, a mother who has left her baby has the right to reconsider her decision - whatever that is, adoption professionals, not the police, deal with her.

Should we be more supportive towards single and unmarried mothers? Of course, but what would also be beneficial is setting out concrete steps to tackle the issue. It is all very well saying we need to "memelihara maruah diri" and "mencegah gejala keruntuhan akhlak", as the commentary in Berita Harian said, but that's not enough.

We need to teach our girls how to say no. We need to tell them that nobody should be pressured into having sex, and that nobody should make these girls do something they're not comfortable with.

Equally, we need to teach our boys that their actions will have consequences. Even if they are not directly affected by any changes brought about by a sexual act, they are still responsible for it, and should shoulder that properly.

We also need to ensure our boys and girls have an adequate knowledge of sex, and know how to practise sex safely and responsibly. After all, sooner or later some of them will experiment, and when they do they might as well have as much information as possible so that they are ready for the experience - especially given that many of our youngsters remain ignorant about sex, as pointed out by Datuk Fatimah Saad, the director of the Lembaga Penduduk dan Pembangunan Keluarga Negara: "Walaupun di zaman global dengan pendidikan seks turut disediakan di sekolah dan boleh diperoleh di mana-mana, masih ramai remaja di negara ini yang tidak mempunyai pengetahuan mengenai seks."

Should we teach our youngsters contraception, or at least promote condom use? Yes, absolutely. Knowledge after all, is power. Condom use or contraception may be evil to some, but to me they are preferable to either having a baby then abandoning it, getting an abortion, or getting STIs. Some may say that giving such knowledge to impressionable boys and girls akin to encouraging them to have sex, but I beg to differ.

In 1997, a review commissioned by UNAIDS (the Joint United Nations Programme on HIV/AIDS) found that "sexual health education for children and young people promotes safe sexual practices and does not increase their sexual activity". Similarly, a campaign promoting abstinence and condom use which also included information about HIV/AIDS and STIs in Zambia found that youths who had been exposed to the campaign were far more likely to have practised abstinence or if they were having sex, to have used condoms.

By not giving our children access to information like this, we run the risk of having ever more unwanted pregnancies or STIs. Figures from the Ministry of Health and the Malaysian AIDS Council show that there are about 70,000 HIV/AIDS sufferers amongst us. However, because of the way this figure is obtained (through compulsory testing at prisons and places like Pusat Serenti), and because we can probably assume that each HIV/AIDS sufferer had at least one sex partner, there are probably many more HIV/AIDS sufferers out there, some of whom may be entirely ignorant of their status. That's just HIV/AIDS. What about syphilis, chlamydia and other STIs?

Of course, there is religion too. Our religious classes tell us sex outside marriage is a grave sin. Yet our religions have so much more to teach us. All religions, after all, expect its followers to seek knowledge. All religions exhort its adherents to remain healthy and to preserve life. We would do well to remind our youngsters that seeking knowledge (even if it is knowledge about sex and sexual health), looking after the body's physical health, and not harming others (in this context, by using condoms and having sex in a safe and responsible manner) are just as important as taking care of the soul's spiritual needs.

Furthermore, we need to have an honest appraisal of our attitudes and the sort of society we are building. Say you have children, and one day they ask you about sex. What would you say to them? That it is dirty and sinful? Or would you tell them that it could be the most joyous thing they will ever experience, but one that it is fraught with danger if they enter into it too quickly and in ignorance?

What are you going to do?

Then imagine someone you are close to - say, a sister, a daughter or a friend - comes to you one day and tells you she is pregnant and has been left by her boyfriend. What would you do? Disown her, if she was your daughter? Become morally superior and tell her how she has ruined her life even as you offer to help? Or would you hold her hand whilst she goes through nine months of pregnancy, and help her to deal with the baby once it's born without once passing judgment?

Or, say a young woman informs you that your son, or brother, has impregnated her. Would you respond as someone told me once: "If some girl came up to me and told me my son had made her pregnant, I'd just say padan muka, siapa suruh awak buat kerja tak senonoh?"

Is it really difficult to give our children more access to better sex education, to equip them with the means by which they can navigate safely through one of the most complex issues that they will face? "Sometimes, it is the most simple actions that require Herculean efforts," opines Shalina.

There would be, I'm sure, a huge outcry should we attempt to provide better sexual education. The usual suspects would doubtless cry that we would be encouraging more zina, that we would create a hedonistic culture, that we would forget our roots and religions.

But we should ask ourselves - is it better to have a society where our children are given adequate information about sex and sexuality, or one where babies are left in rubbish tips or abandoned warungs because we refuse to face up to reality, and prefer to live in a fantasy world where a call to return to our religious and moral values is all that is needed to solve the problem?

FARAH FAHMY is based in the UK. She is a frequent contributor to Rentakini. You may contact her at farah.fahmy@rocketmail.com .