With the 13th general election in the offing, Umno is looking for new politicians to contest many seats across the country.

It is selecting candidates of the highest calibre and those who will be able to secure another victory for BN - candidates who will be able to build-on Umno’s 54 years of success.

 

Have you got what it takes to be an Umno politician? Take the test and find out.

1. Your special advisor phones you claiming that his foreign girlfriend is demanding money. She threatens to expose him and his dealings with you. What do you advise him to do?

(a) Pay her the money and send her away.

(b) Send her a legal letter saying she is blackmailing your friend, and have her deported.

(c) Get your security police to take her away, shoot her twice in the face and blow up her body in the jungle.

2. The opposition has won control in one of the states and you are anxious to wrest it back. How would you resolve this?

    

(a) Wait for the next general election and in the meantime work on winning over the public’s confidence.

(b) Find a copy of the opposition’s policies, improve on their ideas and then pass these new revised policies as your own party’s.

(c) With a suitcase full of money try and ‘persuade’ the person who confirms the appointment of the menteri besar, that your selected candidate is the best choice for the state.

3. You are losing the Malay vote and random surveys indicate that your party will lose in the upcoming general election. What will you do?

(a) Go on roadshows to the rural Malay heartlands and show them how your policies will change their lives for the better.

(b) Go on roadshows to the rural Malay heartlands and tell them that the opposition’s policies are rubbish

(c) Make three million Indonesian, Bangladeshi and Filipino migrant workers citizens of Malaysia, then give them jobs in exchange for their voting rights (to vote for your party).

4. Your domineering wife aspires to be a politician and you fear she might do a better job than you. She is a determined lady and more importantly, wears the pants at home. What is your course of action?

(a) Tell her to get herself nominated like everyone else, and go through the usual motions of becoming an elected candidate

(b) Explain how hard you’ve worked, going on the road for ceramah and that you need her by your side for support

(c) Give her a suitably large diamond ring and enough Hermes Birkin bags to keep her distracted. Tell her the national airline is at her disposal to fly her on shopping trips abroad.

5. Your daughter is about to be engaged to the son of a powerful ‘don’ and you want to create a lasting impression. The only problem is that the ceremony is abroad and you do not want to appear to be stingy.

(a) You phone your prospective in-laws and say that you would prefer a quiet, modest ceremony attended by a few close members of the family.

(b) You inform your daughter that she ought to get a job first and work for a few years before setting up home.

(c) You arrange a trade delegation in the country where the ceremony is to be held and you fly your family and 500 close friends to attend the ceremony, on the pretext of attending an official function. You tell the taxpayers that they will be delighted to view the photos of this momentous occasion that you will post on Facebook.

        

6. The companies bidding for the tender of the multi-million ringgit road project have met your civil servants to discuss the details and specifications. What is your response?

(a) You do nothing but leave it to the technical experts to evaluate their proposals to award the contract to the most suitable bidder.

(b) You tell your office to keep you informed of the outcome because you want to show interest.

(c) You get your girlfriend to phone each of the companies and tell them that to ‘win’ the contract means a tidy sum of money upfront and a share of the profits, once the contract is awarded.

7. The Chinese have wised up, after 54 years of your party’s lies. You cannot trust them to deliver their votes. What do you do?

(a) Try and re-engage with them by visiting their communities and arranging talks with their business associations.

(b) Speak to Chinese colleagues in your party.

(c) Tell your staff to spread the word that the Chinese are pendatang and should return to their country of origin.

8. Article 11 of the constitution ensures Malaysians the freedom of religion. Non-Muslims, are unhappy with temples being demolished and cemeteries being located beside sewage plants. How do you deal with this?

(a) Arrange to meet with the religious representatives to discuss an amicable solution.

(b) Set aside land for temples and cemeteries.

(c) Raid their  dinner parties and then organise a march to protest about non-Muslims trying to proselytise the Muslims with the lure of a makan.

9. What did your friends think of you at school?

(a) Hardworking and helpful

(b) Good at sports and a team-player

(c) A bully, a racist and a show-off

10. In your opinion, what qualities should a good politician have?

(a) Ability to listen and empathise

(b) Good at problem solving

(c) Ability to tell lies and put on two faces

How did you do?

Mostly As : Oops. You are honest, fair and enterprising and should choose another profession.

Mostly Bs : Very good, but you haven’t got quite what it takes to be a politician. You need to brush up on your political awareness. In the meantime, you would make a good political adviser. Try again for GE14.

Mostly Cs: Congratulations! BN need look no further and Najib Abdul Razak will award you a nice shiny medal.

If you perform, there will be a mega-contract or two for being smart enough to know what is required of you, but dumb enough to think your political role is important.

MARIAM MOKHTAR is a non-conformist traditionalist from Perak, a bucket chemist and an armchair eco-warrior. In ‘real-speak’, this translates into that she comes from Ipoh, values change but respects culture, is a petroleum chemist and also an environmental pollution-control scientist.