Hari Raya wouldn’t be Hari Raya without ketupat, lemang and rendang... and until recently, heart-wrenching adverts from filmmaker Yasmin Ahmad.

Similarly, Malaysian politics would be unrecognisable, without the stomach turning politicians, race and religious tension, royalty, 'U-turns', sex, sexism, 'animal farm', frogs... and the Malaysian rakyat. The rakyat, which sways between coma and gullibility.

 

Some Malaysians cannot even contemplate change. They believe that the country is stuck in a political rut, from which recovery seems hopeless; but what if Malaysians were to use their imagination? Think of the impossible. For instance, think of what would happen if Najib Abdul Razak and Anwar Ibrahim were to be marooned on a desert island.

 

Najib, as befits his position, is always surrounded by an army of bodyguards. His political opponents, even those from his own party, claim that he is hungry for power and will do anything to hang onto it.

 

Meanwhile, somewhere in the South China Sea, near an island, which is uncharted and unpopulated, Najib was on his friend’s yacht, when two calamities occurred. The boat tore its hull on a coral reef and the skipper received a severe weather warning.

 

The lifeboat was launched but in the rush to get away, his bodyguards (there were so many of them) had forgotten to bundle the PM onto the lifeboat. Najib was sleeping in his stateroom when everyone else took off. The PM woke up, to find that he had slept through the storm and was still on the king-size waterbed, which had floated onto the beach.

 

Unbeknown to Najib, the opposition leader, whom his opponents claim is also power-hungry, was in a fishing boat, some kilometres away. He was trying to increase the opposition’s chances and was sailing around the peninsula, canvassing for rural votes, when he was caught in the freak storm.

 

As it was only a poor fisherman’s boat, all Anwar had in the way of a life preserver was a lorry inner-tube which he quickly jumped into. He, too, was washed-up onto the island, with Najib.

 

Two men. Two political adversaries. One fictional island.

 

What do the men do? Do they retreat to opposite ends and sulk? Do they learn to work as a team, and try to be saved?

 

Playing Survivor

 

Anwar has knowledge - he spent most of his time in prison, hoovering information from a wide variety of books, one of which was the SAS Survival Handbook.

 

He knows which roots, plants, animals and shellfish are safe to eat. He knows which are poisonous. He also knows how to start a fire, construct shelters and how to find fresh water. He has a Swiss army knife in his pocket.

The only problem is his bad back. He will need someone to carry the firewood, and although he can build traps, he will still need help to carry the game.

 

Najib has no back problems and he does not know how to get food, make traps or build fires. He has the strength but will he work together with Anwar to get nourishment, erect a shelter and build a bonfire, to signal for rescue? If both men want to survive, they need to work together. What do you think will happen?

 

The PM searches his pocket for his phone, but all he finds is a jewellery box with a massive ring. A present for his wife. He chucks the ring away and wishes he had a cheap RM2 magnifying glass to build a fire, which will keep them warm at night, keep predators at bay and attract attention of passing ships.

 

A suitcase washes-up on the beach. It is recognisable as it bears the name of the yacht. The two men prise it open and it is full of money. Millions of ringgit. Najib realises the value of money when later that night, they burn it to keep warm.

 

Just before they settle down for the night, they talk under the star-studded night-sky, like two old friends who have just renewed their acquaintance. Najib has no qualms sleeping beside Anwar on the king size mattress because he knows that the sodomy palaver was just a political game.

 

Away from the prying public, an understanding has been reached. Away from the political and domestic life, Najib is quite talkative.

 

The two men exist happily for a few days, until a woman washes ashore. She shows them how to dry surplus fish, for a rainy day. The two are very happy to take orders from a woman, who is good at home economics and is disciplined. She organises a watch for passing ships and aeroplanes.

 

Trouble ahoy

 

All is fine until one day, another man is found clinging to some floating debris. They turn him over and recoil in horror, when they see it is the Perak mufti. His first words on regaining consciousness are, “Shouldn’t the woman be exiled to another part of the island?” followed by, “Take off the football jerseys you are wearing. They have the sign of the cross.”

 

Silently and reluctantly, they take the jerseys off, knowing that they will burn under the hot sun and freeze at night. The woman is banished and the two men become gloomy, but the mufti is ecstatic as he leads his tiny congregation in prayer.

 

The mufti tells the two men, “As no royalty is present, I am the most important man on this island, unless...”

 

Anwar and Najib say in unison, “Unless what?”

 

The mufti says, “Just before I passed out, I saw Mahathir clinging onto a lifebuoy. He may wash-up on the beach very soon.”

 

Selamat Hari Raya Aidil-Fitri

Maaf zahir dan batin

 

MARIAM MOKHTAR is a defender of the truth, the admiral-general of the Green Bean Army and president of the Perak Liberation Organisation (PLO).