To the minority of Malaysians who have been lucky enough to travel around the world, we know only to well the dilemma of “Malaysia, where?”

I often laugh whenever I read comments on political forums by Malaysians who often say things along the lines of “The world is watching!” or “The whole world will know!” I laugh because it shows a complete ignorance of reality. The reality is the world doesn’t know nor does it care about Malaysia.

The country has never achieved anything that has warranted serious attention from the world at large. Of course there are minor things but don’t delude yourself into thinking they are more than just a flash in a pan.

The reality is: most of the people of the world don’t even know where Malaysia is. Of course, you can chalk it off to ignorance or lack of education, but they never seem to have problems knowing about Singapore and Thailand and Indonesia and Phillipines and Cambodia and Myanmmar and Vietnam. They know all our neighbours but “Malaysia, where?”

Nevertheless, there are times when the name of Malaysia is carried across the world to distant lands but hardly ever for a good reason. Before you clamour to shout about our human rights

ratings and fiscal ratings and corruption ratings, understand that all these ratings are irrellevant. Why? Well, because who really cares?

The UN? No. Malaysia has been a violator of human rights since time immemorial but what have they done about it? Sanctions? No. Warnings? No. Malaysia still keeps its “seat” on their council. A seat I’m sure someone is comfortably napping in.

Do foreign investors care? No. They love the corruption in Malaysia because it means they can get away with cutting corners, underpaying and overworking foreign workers and even starting up shoddy and dangerous ventures that no other clean country would want.

Of course some companies pull out at the last minute because word has reached back to their own country where one or two proper journalists pry open the can of worms for all and sundry to see. Not wanting to jeopardise local ventures they decide, “It’s not viable, economically at this time”. And again “Malaysia” gets dragged through the mud.

The Pakatan Rakyat cares. They love anything relevant or irrelevant that they can use to embarrass the government. Of course the downside is you can’t embarrass someone with no shame.

Do Malaysians care? Only 51 percent and that's because they’ve got an axe to grind (an axe that is perpetually grinding 24/7 and will continue to for another four years).

So, coming back to when “Malaysia” crosses the world and “Malaysia, where?” becomes a question for Google Earth more than just a rhetorical one.

Sports! Of course we have the Datuks of Squash and Badminton but they are small fries compared to our Tan Sri and Tan Sri Dato Sri of football.

For the past two seasons of football the spotlight was on Tan Sri. First his team gifted Manchester City their first title in 50 years. In the following season he spent a small fortune but his club were relegated. So Tan Sri is not doing too good this season.

He still managed to steal some attention last week when he announced a new 40,000 seater stadium for his club but there was more head scratching than cheering, seeing as his team can hardly even fill their stadium now. Even when they were in the Premier League the stadium was hardly at full capacity.

Ever-present red cap

But then again if he doesn’t get the spotlight on him, how else is he going to get free advertising for his company printed on the front on his ever-present red cap. So, carry on Tan Sri, carry on. Do what must be done.

Anyway, on to the reason I started this opinion piece in the first place: Mr Tan Sri Dato Sri. My God, if anyone is giving Malaysia a bad name more than the Tun himself it would be this man. You get no points for guessing why I dragged the Tun into this because if it weren't for the Tun, Tan Sri Dato Sri may never have got his moustache - I mean, Millions. Oh wait, Billions.

If ever one wanted proof of the difference between entreprenuership and boot-licking: The former is a true blue businessman. The latter turns blue to red. The latter fires a man qualified and adept at his job and replaces him with a 23-year-old whose only football experience must be with a Playstation.

Of course, top marks to Tan Sri Dato Sri for creativity and giving a young buck a chance, but Tan Sri Dato Sri, you could have at least made sure the boy had the paperwork filled out right?

Difference between businessman and boot-licker. The former crosses his T’s and dot's his I’s; the latter has never filled a form in his life because he's never had to hand one in under the table.

So now the poor fans of the club are in revolt. They love their manager and hate Tan Sri Dato Sri but I think this is also the fans fault. In all honesty I think the only thing Tan Sri Dato Sri wants is Love.

He wants the fans to love him more than they love their manager, but since they don't they must learn that even hell hath no fury like a moustache scorned - I mean Tan Sri Dato Sri scorned. Like a vengeful mistress Tan Sri Dato Sri will be rid of the challenger to his love and why not? He’s earned his love, hasn’t he?

When the bird wouldn’t fly, he scorched it with the dragon flame and brought them glory. Why shouldn't he have his dragon rest upon his fortune and protect it like Smaug the Golden? After all, he's better than Smaug the Selfish, Tan Sri Dato Sri gave his team 50 million pounds to spend. This is English football, not Spanish football, 50 million is plenty of money to win the Premier League.

Have you ever heard of a club spending 500 million over the course of three seasons to win the league? Or how about 100 million to push for Champions League qualification? 50 million is more than enough. In fact it’s too much, and over-budget, although why Tan Sri Dato Sri approved it in the first place, I guess only he knows. Maybe he was too busy grooming that which lies to the south of his nose and the north of his mouth.

You see, that’s how I describe Malaysia's geography when I travel: South of Thailand, North of Singapore. But maybe now, thanks to Tan Sri Dato Sri's team I may not have to any more. After all, the country’s name is printed on the front of their jersey so I’m sure there will be no typos when the people of the world type “Malaysia” into the Google Earth search bar.

Ultimately, whatever said and done, and however bad they portray Malaysia to be, I cannot say the portrayal is false. Think about it; if Malaysians really did know anything about football, we wouldn’t be ranked 154th in the world.

I think Tan Sri Dato Sri should sell the ungrateful Red Dragons and buy a Mamak Restaurant because that's where we Malaysians excel when it comes to football.

Or maybe it’s better for all if we just stick to what we do best. I think I certainly will.

Now to see which one of our great YBs or Menteris are in town and who has the least dirtiest boots.