At the beginning, he admitted almost shyly that he was nervous and requested his audience to allow him to read through the paper which he had prepared for the meeting.

"It is one of my few moments in life that I will be speaking in public," he told the small group of people, mostly women, and started to recount the story of his life.

"I was happy especially when our ship is about to dock at the port. I was sure I would be receiving letters from my loved ones. I feel so depressed when I do not receive any letters because despite the fact that I have lots of relatives and friends back home, not one of them is able to write to me," he recalled.

"To lessen my depression, I tried to comfort myself by going out with friends, date and having sex with girls. I have proven to myself that no matter what you look like, as long as you have money, you won't be having any problems looking for girls. I felt like I was in a dream," he added.

One can't help but feel touched by the story of this man who wanted only to be known as Mar, a 33-year-old Filipino ex-seafarer or a former merchant navy sailor, who contracted HIV while travelling around the world doing his job.

He hails from the Quezon province of the Philippines, about 200km away from Manila. His family's main source of income was through farming but his burning ambition at that time was to travel around the world.

Happy days

He started life as a merchant marine in December 1992. He had his job placement done through an accredited employment agency. He said he did not experience much difficulty in red tape as his agency covered all expenses for health, medical check-ups as well as for other pertinent documents needed.

Mar said he earned about US$1,000 (RM3,800) for the five days per week, eight hours a day job.

"This is definitely far better off than what a regular employee earns in the Philippines," he said, adding that 80 percent of his salary went to his family as remittance and the other 20 percent plus overtime pay was his to spent as he wished at the end of the month.

"Indeed, a well paid job for an ordinary Filipino seafarer," he added.

With the sole purpose of wanting to help others like him or who would likely to get into trouble like him, Mar had bravely related his story at the On the Philippine Migration Trail: Migration and Reproductive Health conference held in Bangkok on Feb 22 and 23.

The young man eloquently told a group of 20 non-governmental organisation representatives and journalists from nine different countries including Malaysia that during his "happy days" as a seafarer, he never thought of any safety measures except to enjoy life, have sex with girls and be happy. His life was like that for about two years.

During free hours, some of his peers would read letters from their loved ones over and over again just to fight the loneliness deep inside. Mar said he and his friends would watch video tapes, smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol to induce sleep. 'Girls' were part of their recreation, he said, every time they docked at a certain port.

Traumatic experience

He was not totally naive or unaware about the dangers of risky sexual behaviour. Mar said there were moments when he became scared because he had read in various magazines on the ship and knew about sexually transmitted diseases such as AIDS.

He recalled a case when a fellow seafarer could not bear to walk because of intense pain at his groin area. Many suffer in silence and try to self-medicate, mainly because there is no medical officer on merchant shipping vessels (passenger vessels do have one). Medication, said Mar, was not prescribed and was usually passed on to them by the ship's second-in-command

"So on my third year contract, I tried to limit myself in engaging in risky sexual activities. I thought I would have peace of mind," said Mar, adding that he often wondered at that time when his turn to get infected would come.

"At last, on my fourth year, I was not able to leave the country because I not only contracted a sexually transmitted disease (STD) but also HIV," he said.

Mar stressed that the experience was really traumatic as nobody in the medical clinic told him about his HIV test status. He was asked to return to the clinic several times to test for high blood sugar. Eventually he became very anxious because the tests had caused much delay in preparing his employment papers. One day, however, his employer broke the silence and told him he had HIV.

What was he to do with his life, he asked himself, especially when he did not have enough knowledge about his sickness?

"...and then my nightmare became a reality. I didn't know what to do with myself and where to go ... I asked myself 'why me' as if the whole world had doomed me," he said, and one could almost feel his pain.

"It is really hard to accept that these realities were unfolding around me when I am the sole breadwinner for my family," he added.

At that dismal juncture, Mar didn't know whom to approach until he came in contact with other HIV positive individuals through his own personal efforts.

Supportive parents

Then, he realised that life wasn't so bad after all. The people he met were still happy despite their condition and were still productive. So Mar started to live a normal life again.

"Even though my dreams were not fully realised, at least I had my chance to go round the world ... well, one dream came true," said Mar.

"It was also a good thing that the very first people to whom I disclosed my status were my parents who are very supportive of me," he said, smiling.

Being one of the largest exporters of labour in the world, the Philippines has an estimated 4.5 million nationals working abroad, about 1.8 million of which are illegal labourers, according to estimates by the Asia-Pacific Coalition against Trafficking in Women.

The coalition reports that overseas Filipino workers are composed of seafarers and land-based workers in more than 100 countries. Filipino seafarers make up a quarter of the country's departures every year and one in five seafarers in the world is a Filipino.

In the Philippines, HIV testing is a must for seafarers and is part and parcel of the routine medical check-up every time one embarks on a new contract.

Inadequate information

However, the Philippines had just drafted its Aids Law and prohibits mandatory HIV testing. Testing must be preceded by informed consent in writing with adequate pre- and post-counselling. This regulation took effect in 1998, said Mar.

He added that enforcement of these law has not been effective as there is no clause on receiving countries who will conduct HIV testing.

"As far as seafarers are concerned, what we know is that we have to abide with HIV testing of our receiving country if we want to earn for our family," he said.

In his country, Mar said that before seafarers start their work, they have to undergo a three-hour pre-departure orientation seminar known as PDOS organised by recruitment agencies.

PDOS is accredited by the Philippine Overseas Employment Agency. Former seafarers attend shorter PDOS seminars as the agency can easily get them certified, he added.

"As far as I can imagine, there was not much information provided except the ones regarding airport regulations and pertinent documents that we have to bring," said Mar.

"There was no topic on health or agencies we could go to if we get into trouble," he added.

Mar said seafarers were not told about insurance or retirement benefits for retired seafarers. Also, one thing was certain he added, that while the lecture was on, the minds and hearts of seafarers were already sailing elsewhere as they would be very excited about leaving the country within the next few days.

Sailor's message

Mar is presently working with a group of HIV positive individuals in the Philippines known as the Pinoy Plus Association. Through this agency, he got to know about the Remedios Aids Foundation, which is currently his employer.

He said he chose to work for this agency to do advocacy work, to put a face to the HIV or Aids situation in his country.

"I want to be still productive ... I continue to dream, I had my chance to build a family of my own," said Mar, who is currently married with one child.

"I was even able to buy a small house on my own for my family that I love so dearly," he added.

At the end of his presentation, Mar said that he had one message that he wanted to impart to seafarers or sailors around the world:

"Being a seafarer is one big chance to have a good future for ourselves and our families. However, we should recognise that we face a lot of risk while we are away from our loved ones and support system. We must be cautious and responsible for our actions ... I hope people will learn from my experience," were Mar's parting remarks.

SUSAN LOONE is a malaysiakini journalist.