Ras Adiba Radzi, a contract TV journalist who has been severely criticised for raising more than RM300,000 from the public for a spine surgery which did not take place, has written a lengthy response to her critics. The following is the full version of her three-page statement which was faxed to malaysiakini today.

I'm very saddened by the recent onslaught of negative press that I have been getting ever since my departure for Sydney, Australia. But on the advice of my doctors, I have refrained from making any press statements until I get home.

However, because the remarks and accusations that have been written about me were so bad and terribly damaging to my reputation, I have decided it is time to write to all of you. I'm not sure where to start, but I guess my current condition would suffice.

But before I go on, I would like to say thank you to all who have supported me either by donations, prayers or well-wishes because without everyone's help, I wouldn't be where I am at now.

When I arrived at Nepean Private Hospital in Penrith, I was immediately attended to by the team. They are specialists in their own right orthopaedic, neurologists, aesthetician, physiotherapist, psychologist, and a psychiatrist. The team was headed by Dr Raj Sundaraj, an anaesthetist specialising in the multi-disciplinary of pain management.

All sort of tests and x-rays were done including citimilograms, lumbar punctures, CAT scans, nerve conduction and nerve sensory.

They all did a technical procedure which was a small surgery to check the implants, in my spinal cord and the nerve. Then they all sat me down and explained my condition something I dreaded to hear that the paralysis was the result of the injury that I sustained in the car accident in 1995.

It is a complicated disorder and to be honest I am too distraught and confused to even explain it in detail. Anyway, it had left me like this a paraplegic.

I understand that everyone is questioning the amount of money that had been raised for me and what I am going to be doing with it.

Firstly it's not as much as has been reported in the papers. It's over RM300,000 but not RM390,000 or RM500,000 as some rumours have it. Some pledges were made but [the money] did not get through.

Secondly, yes, I will be contributing a certain amount to people who are in need and I will also continue the community work that I have been doing since schooldays. I specifically would like to create awareness for wheelchair-bound people and those with spinal injuries.

To the accusations of my pretending to be paralysed, I am totally shocked and appalled! Why would I jeopardies my career, my life, and the good name of my family to do such a thing?

I am eligible and intelligent, a talented poetic singer, creative poet and successful sports commentator and newsreader and life has never been so good! Hence, it's totally a surprise that most of the articles written about me were questioning the fact that I was ill.

  1. TV3 crew interviewed my doctor in Sydney, who mentioned that they would not be doing a major surgery, as the tests have shown there was not much a big surgery would do for me

  • On the interview of the Pantai Medical CEO, the gentlemen was not my doctor. Hence, of course he was not in the know of the details of my medical status. Obviously, there were communications with my doctors in PMC and Sydney, otherwise how would I be able to go straight into the hospital? There are such thing as referrals.

  • The Malaysia Orthopaedics Association's comments that I was able to do the operation in KL is true. That is of course, if I needed a normal spinal operations, but that's not what I needed. I needed an assessment of my spinal cord simulator implants (which is put into my spinal cord and wired to an LPG a pace-maker, which is embedded on the left side of my tummy). This is a pain management strategy, as it brings down my chronic pain to 50 percent hence I am able to take less painkillers.

    • My implant is not the normal titanium plate fixed to a bone or a disc together, but instead they are titanium leads inserted from my cervical to the thoracic spine to help manage chronic pain in my daily life. That's what they really are.

    And since my two previous operations were done in Sydney, my doctors in PMC decided to let my doctors in Sydney assess me. For your information pain management is slowly picking up in Malaysia.

    Alright, I wouldn't want to go too technically into all these as it is very boring.

    My friends, I am truly saddened by all the negative write-ups about me.

    I have been working very hard in TV broadcasting since 1988, writing novels and poetry, and singing my poetry song to schools, universities and to the nation.

    I have been praised for my work, creativity and also in organising and emceing events. I am also truly patriotic and would die for my country.

    I have always been very courteous, friendly, helpful and honest with people, so you can imagine the shock that I got when I heard and read all the nasty things that have been written about me.

    It had crossed my mind to take legal action against all the slanderous things written because it's truly traumatic for me and damaging to my career and reputation.

    But after giving much thought, I gather it would be best to explain to you my side of the story first. You know I grew up in front of all of you. You know how I first started and over 14 years how I have bloomed. You basically know what I have done and what I haven't; but never once lying to people or intentionally hurting them. I am very tolerant and always gave my best to accommodate fellow pressmen because working as a journalist, I know what makes them tick and what makes stories hot and saleable.

    But saying that I am faking my paralysis is going way too far!

    I have so much that I would like to share with all of you, but I think I'll do that when I come home. At the moment my concentration is to be as independent as possible living life as a paraplegic.

    It's a struggle, believe me! I'm so used to jumping into the shower, running around for a story, hailing a taxi and cleaning the house but now I can only do half of all those things.

    Putting on my clothes, taking a shower and washing my hair have suddenly become so difficult. And many a time, I would cry myself to sleep.

    It's sad and devastating for me, even more when I'm going through hell, and people back home are busy condemning me and questioning about the money raised. They don't even stop to consider what I'm going through.

    I ask you, what good is all the money in the world when I can't even move, feel my legs and don't know when I need to go to the toilet. I am incontinent and am wearing diapers! And to make matters worse, I am given Heprin injections every morning and evening to thin my blood believe me these injections hurt like hell! Since I can't feel my bottom half, I have to always check my lower limbs for cuts and bruises just in case they become septic.

    I was also asked to wear special socks to prevent me from getting Deep Vein Thrombosis (DVT). With all that, tell me who can fake being paralysed?

    All said, I would like to ask you to put yourself in my shoes. I am not asking for sympathy because it's just not me and also that's not what they teach here. Their utmost priority is to psyche me up so I don't have a breakdown from being an active person to a less active one, and to make me as strong and independent until hopefully someday, God willing, I will walk again.

    So friend, this has been my long letter from Sydney but typed and faxed from my home in Pantai Dalam. There's not much that I can say except that I wish it's all a bad dream and that I will be able to get up from it and live normally. But alas, the truth hurts. In my case the truth stinks because I truly wish that I can be as normal as you.

    I hope you would have the space in your heart to understand my situation, because I am making the space in my heart to understand and accept my destiny which is not to give up.

    The best medicine now for me is the willpower to live. So friends I ask you please not to give up on me because I am not about to.

    Ras Adiba Radzi,

    Mayne Health Lady Davidson Hospital,

    Sydney, Australia