COMMENT David has told me that he wants to marry. He has already found a prospective candidate. She is in Myanmar and of course they have never met in person.

David thinks she does not look very pretty on her Facebook pictures (this is a fairly common complaint among some young men, even those who are not exactly beauties. However, it does not necessarily deter people from marrying).

David is therefore in serious doubt about whether he should make a move or not. However, in his opinion, there is a distinct advantage in this case.

The young woman in question spends her time travelling between China and India, as the northern half of Myanmar is situated in-between both countries. Namely, she carries out petty trade, buying cheap goods in China to sell across the border in India. She therefore has a steady and attractive income.

I am afraid, nonetheless, that prettiness is a more pressing issue for David. Only half-jokingly, he asks for my help in finding a suitable partner.

If you are a man, once you have found a girl who you like, and who likes you, through Facebook, then you may announce the fact to your network of friends online. A typical way of doing this is posting your picture and that of the girl side by side, and then adding that you are in a ‘serious relationship’, even though it is often one that, at least in the beginning, is carried out, naturally enough, seriously entirely online.

I can understand why a girl in Singapore would want to hook up with a man in Malaysia or elsewhere, especially as Mizo women far outnumber men in the city-state (whereas in Malaysia there are actually more men than women). Nonetheless, you can also find a partner in either Mizoram or Myanmar, or even further afield.

For instance, I met a young woman in Bukit Bintang who found herself a partner in Scandinavia who also happens to be a refugee. They got to know each other on Facebook. He eventually came to Malaysia on vacation (it was his first time ever in the country), and later they have had a baby (they remain however in different continents to this day).

A ticket to the West

The advantage for a girl of finding a partner in Malaysia is that, quite often, the young man will have a United Nations refugee card in his possession. This has become an increasingly prized item, especially as the UN has not been giving out cards in recent times (no doubt because the handful of donor countries, chief among which is the United States, are not willing to take on more refugees.

Contrary to what many young Mizo here think, the UN seldom enjoys much leeway in these matters). Of course, if you pair yourself up with a young man who has a card, it does not mean that you will get a card yourself. Nonetheless, it does mean that you will eventually have a husband who will go to the US - and who therefore will one day be able to call you to his new homeland.

Judging from two cases which I have followed, this may nevertheless take well over two years.

The important move for a girl here is, after securing the man, to get married as soon as possible at the local church (in case the couple is in Malaysia) or in Myanmar.

This can be delicate for various reasons. If the girl comes to Malaysia and is without a UN refugee card, she has to live as an undocumented migrant, what is tricky at the best of times. Young men of course prefer living together with their wives and vice-versa.

One solution is for the couple to go back or even meet for the first time and marry in Myanmar itself. Many villagers have a few hectares of land, where they may plant padi, maize, or other crops.

Nonetheless, it is my impression that young wives in particular may not necessarily like the idea of settling down in Myanmar. This seems to be the case especially if they are from Mizoram, as the Indian side of the border has traditionally been more prosperous (as a consequence, the vast majority of immigrants to Malaysia are from Myanmar itself).

Namely, having secured a husband with a UN card, many women want to make sure that their man actually gets to the US, so that they can eventually move there, too. In fact, it is my impression that having a UN card often considerably improves your chances in the marriage market, especially among women who have no UN card themselves (and hardly any prospects of getting one).

However, it can be that your girlfriend also has a card herself. If you are in Malaysia, the thing to do then is to go to the UN office and get your separate processes cobbled together into a single one, so that one day you will both be able to immigrate at the same time.

It can also happen that someone marries and decides not to report the fact to the UN. This is related to complex strategising: if you report your marriage, this almost invariably means each of the spouses will now take (much) longer to leave Malaysia than it would have been the case had they remained single.

In one case I know, the couple got married just a couple of months before the young man was due to leave. The wife - also a refugee - then stayed behind, and eventually applied to go to the US. She is still waiting, over two years after her marriage, though it is certain that she will be allowed to leave fairly soon now.

Waiting to go to the US

Of course, in case you have a child - many couples think nothing of having children at a (far) younger age than is the case in a good deal of the West and even in Malaysia - matters may become even more complicated, as the immigration process will then suffer further delays.

I know someone who married and eventually had two children. He has been waiting to go to the US now for nearly a decade, though I suspect there may have been additional delays for other reasons too (there can be many bureaucratic hitches, for instance). He does not regret having chosen to have a family. Nonetheless, he has told me more than once that the delay in immigration that this has occasioned has soured his life to some extent.

In one case, someone I met had a clever idea a few years back. Much speculation related to the UN often circulate among the Mizo community. It is my impression they are often unfounded. In this case, one word going round was that the UN was fast-tracking people who were married and/or had a family. The guy in question therefore declared that he had a wife. Unfortunately for him, he did not.

Of course, the UN then asked him to produce his wife. He eventually did, but only after about three years, during which time he gave the UN a wide berth. He has also had a child. As a consequence, he has been living in Malaysia now for almost 10 years, still waiting to go to the US.

‘Waiting to go’, as a young man, Terry, explained to me, does not allow you to plan your life properly. He is getting married quite soon. The problem, as he explained to me, is that the wait is far too long, and the incertitude far too great, especially, I am afraid, for young people in their prime who are impatient to get on with their lives.

There are also other factors at play here which, for want of a better term, we might call ‘cultural’. Many young people want to marry soon, and to have children as soon as they can too. Also, life without a partner can be lonely. Besides, there is the issue of subtle peer pressure, not to mention family pressure (though, it is important to point out, the family in question is usually back home).

One friend, Curt, told me that all his friends had already married. Therefore, he reasoned, he should soon get married too. It is as simple as that.

Condoms do not seem to be very popular among many young people. In fact, one reason for getting married is that, alas, the girl got pregnant. In such cases, the local community is usually adamant: namely, marriage is supposed to be the only acceptable solution. There is also the issue that sex outside of marriage is frowned upon, though, being in Malaysia means this injunction is partly inoperative.

As many have pointed out to me, morals in exile are inevitably laxer than back home, as community networks and pressure not only become more supple, but also, on occasion, partially break down.

Facebook and the village

It is interesting to consider that Facebook seems to be as important here, if not more, as getting to know someone face to face. Young men I have talked to are also surprisingly confident that once they meet their dream girl in person, things will go well. Namely, they will certainly get along and eventually marry. There is, in this way, no apparent need to get to know each other well.

Louis accordingly believes the girl friend he has found on Facebook - she used to live in Singapore but is now back in her village in Myanmar - is the girl he wants to marry. I have not talked to the girl, but I suspect she agrees with him, judging from what I know of the Mizo community (namely, the girl would not tolerate that he should announce to the world a relationship that was not genuine).

In fact, he knows people from her village, and even knows someone in Bukit Bintang who is a close friend of her brother’s. In a way, she is therefore already family.

The interesting aspect of this case  - it is clearly a relationship as far as Louis is concerned, and accordingly he takes everything seriously - is that they are not from the same village; moreover, when Louis talks of going back, he does not mean going back to his village in Myanmar, but in fact returning to live with his parents who now reside across the border in Mizoram.

I wonder aloud where the couple will live when they marry. Louis says they will not live in Malaysia, as, differently from him, his future wife has no UN card. I have not asked but assume they will live together in either Myanmar or Mizoram, at least until the time comes for Louis to go to the US.

Not that he is thinking of that right now: in fact, he is not giving the matter hardly any thought. As far as he is concerned, he will marry and stay in Myanmar or Mizoram. I doubt, however, that his future wife is equally unconcerned.

In some cases, nonetheless, previous acquaintance seems to be important. Carl, for instance first met his future wife in Bukit Bintang. They are not from the same town. He then moved back to Myanmar, and, by coincidence, she also moved back. They met again there and eventually decided to get married. This decision is also, I suspect, not only a personal decision as such.

We are not here talking about an arranged marriage, much less about outright pressure to get married. Nonetheless, there has clearly been an expectation that Carl should get married because that is what you do when you are young. However, he has willingly played along. Of course, when the time comes, I am sure that they will both go to the US, albeit necessarily separately.

The marriage broker

In fact, what amazes me again and again in all these stories is how smooth everything seems, at least on the surface. I do not believe we should try and probe any depths here. This may inevitably sound somewhat disparaging, but in reality my impression is that what is apparent - namely, the comparative ease with which people move into a relationship, get married, and have children - is really the way things are.

It is also amazing to me how the lives of young Mizo are caught in and untrammelled by the trappings of international borders, immigration laws, United Nations regulations, and so on and so forth, on the one hand, and yet, on the other, their lives pass entirely under the radar.

At any rate, they live almost as if the world was theirs to roam around: say, they plan to go - and often actually end up going - to India, Myanmar, Malaysia, Singapore, and, last but not least, the US.

What strikes me again and again is that, for all the many, very real and genuine hardships and restrictions they suffer, the Mizo, paradoxically or not, enjoy a degree of mobility and detachment from a homeland that people with certificates and degrees can often only dream of. This comparative ease is also mirrored in the way they find life partners and start families. In this sense, it is hard not to think that they in fact make excellent use of Facebook.

Namely, being so mobile, with young and not so young Mizo now increasingly spread all over the world, the best chance their community has of staying in touch is via the Internet. Besides, Facebook is also perhaps the best way to ensure that Mizo youngsters can get to know one another.

This is not because Facebook acts as a substitute for face-to-face relationships; except in a somewhat marginal way, it mostly does not. Only, in an extremely mobile society, now spread over several continents, in which getting to know someone does not necessarily involve developing a deep acquaintanceship over a comparatively long period of time, the website is a wonderful tool.

Also, it is my impression that it fairly accurately mirrors who people are, especially considering that the Mizo are not a large people, and still mostly live in tightly knit communities. In fact, Facebook turns out to be the best possible marriage broker the young Mizo could hope for.

FRED ROSEN has been gallivanting around South-East Asia for quite some time now. He is interested in foreign communities in Malaysia’s large cities. He has also been writing about Malacca, both in the present and the past, as well as other ancient port cities in the Indian Ocean.