In this time and age, marriage is no longer commonly considered a union of romantic love with a ‘happily ever after’ ending. This myth was shattered when a bride and her betrothed’s families were recorded on video, fighting during their wedding day.

The video dominated press headlines, having gone viral on the social media and garnering millions of views.

Even more unfortunate was that the fracas occurred in the sacred vicinity of a mosque.

Not only had the incident failed to bring together two souls in wedded bliss, it became an embarrassing spectacle for all parties involved.

At the time of writing, we are not certain if the amount of dowry provided by the bridegroom was the cause of the incident.

According to earlier media reports, the amount of dowry provided by the bridegroom had been the cause of the incident.

However, we are not here to discuss the fracas between the bride and bridegroom families. The more significant issue that had risen here is the amount of dowry required to facilitate a wedding these days.

Rising cost of living

In Malay culture, a dowry is defined as the sum of money provided by the bridegroom’s side to the bride’s family. It is usually used to finance the wedding ceremony.

The amount of the dowry varies, depending on the agreement reached between the bride and bridegroom’s families.

Providing a dowry is also not mandatory, unlike the provision of mas kahwin (marriage settlement payment) which is deemed compulsory under Islamic Syarak law.

The amount of dowry provided for Malaysian weddings may not vary much from state to state, but it does increase with the passing of time.

I remember the 1990s, when the amount of dowry provided among the middle class was between RM2,000 and RM5,000, compared with the average of RM10,000 to RM15,000 now.

This is because the rising cost of living and goods prices play a role in hiking up the dowry amount. Certain families of the bride may set a higher dowry, since the price of organising a wedding has also increased.

It costs between RM30,000 and RM50,000 to rent Malay wedding essentials like a canopy and pelamin; and hire a caterer, photographer and mak andam.

A man with financial resources and deep pockets can afford such amounts, but what about those with more modest incomes? The huge wedding expenditures would place a burden on them, especially young people who are just starting out in their careers.

Cheap then, but now…

In the past, one can always expect to manage one’s wedding expenditures in a reasonable way.

Some villages (like those in Negeri Sembilan) organise committees that gather before the day of a person’s wedding.

The committees would discuss the coming wedding, and they would contribute some funds to help ease the burden of the families of the bride and bridegroom. Those unable to make monetary contributions will offer to help out in organising the wedding ceremony.

However, this spirit of togetherness and helping one another is steadily fading away with the passing of time. The younger generations do not practise them. For instance, instead of getting neighbours and villagers together to prepare dishes for an event, the younger generations now prefer to hire caterers.

The costs of hiring a mak andam and renting a pelamin have increased. And couples spend more on unnecessary things for their wedding. They hire disc jockeys with complete karaoke sets and photographers who charge thousands of ringgit. The kenduri tents used in the past are not as grand as the expensive canopies that people prefer now.

As you can see, times have changed. The cost of wedding expenditures continues to increase in tune with rising prices of goods and services. But our incomes have only made minimal progress, and our spending power is shrinking.

A lifetime of debts

Certain couples are forced to take exorbitant bank loans just to celebrate their dream wedding.

A wedding ceremony and feast usually last a day, but the wedded couple would require years to pay off the debts incurred.

That will place titanic financial pressures on the couple’s relationship, what with them needing more money to pay for a car and their children’s welfare and education.

This is the main cause of financial problems among the younger generations, and it is also a factor in the rising number of divorces in Malaysia. It is unfortunate that many couples start their marriage already saddled with massive debts from the wedding, and unable to cope with the financial pressures in the years ahead, they decide to divorce.

Obsession with dowries

Why is society still obsessed with the size of dowries and lavish weddings? According to Islamic beliefs, a sizable dowry or extravagant ceremony is unnecessary, for both the bride and bridegroom should not be unnecessarily burdened.

Can we attend a no-frills wedding ceremony which serves nasi lemak, kopi-o and curry puff; and not gossip and make negative comments about the couple after the wedding? Is this materialistic society ready to change its perception?

Honouring our culture and traditions is all fine and well, but let us spend according to our own means.

Spend reasonably for your big day, for the life you share with your beloved; after all, the ceremony is all that matters.

RUSNIZAM MAHAT is a member of Team Malaysiakini.