Think about it; you'll see that the two are akin to a pair of Siamese twins joined at the hip with little or no hope of detachment. Where there's one, the other is present, and each somehow influences the other. Remember Trainspotting? When Ewan Macgregor is bonking a babe while watching Archie Gemmill of Scotland score against Holland in the 1978 World Cup? There you have it.

Sure, cars have a sexual connection. It used to be cigars and martinies. And now, there's Macintosh's G4 Powerbooks. But while these conjure up immediate images of carnal cravings, soccer is slightly more subtle.

For starters, there's the sex appeal. Check out the women who are with rabbit-toothed Ronaldo, the baldy Zidane and I'm-a-hair-whore David Beckham. The bigger the star, the higher he stands on the mojo meter. Together with the trappings of fame, fortune, glamour and success that professional soccer brings, the celebrity player becomes even more irresistible. Think of the excesses: more wine, women, song and sex lots of it.

Danger of soccer

Yet soccer's babe factor doesn't just extend to the stars. It's worked out for everyday people too.

"I got attracted when I saw you playing futsal you were good on the court and that got me interested". Friends, this was the real deal, the words that left my ex's mouth when I asked her what attracted her to me (it couldn't have been the 5C's. I don't even have one).

Needless to say, soccer helped me score on and off. I was having a good run then, playing well in the local futsal league and the 'domestic' league at home. It was great but all good seasons had to come to an end. Work caught up, futsal was relegated to Sunday reserve games and so went the babe who promptly moved on to a new player.

It's a double-edged sword. A friend of mine was locked out of his house for coming home late three nights in a row. His wife thought he was having an affair. He was. It was a late night obsession with this foreign love interest. Short but impactful, quick yet passionate. When the World Cup comes visiting once every four years, everything stops. Come 2006, it'll be hammer and tongs again on the homefront. Let's hope it's not China he's rooting for this time.

Whether it's Jim or Joe Black, sex and soccer are what most men want and often can't get enough. That's probably why there's a proliferation of sexual material and literature everywhere, and why porn and ESPN do so well.

Whether it's erotic gymnastics in bed, or watching the big city derby match-up, the 'Double S' is crucial to a man's overall well-being. They satisfy physiological and emotional needs. They make life worth living and provide joy like no other. Maybe Abraham Maslow should have included soccer next to sex in his theory of the hierarchy of needs.

The argument for both sex and soccer

Seriously, denial of sex has led people to commit heinous crimes murder, rape, assault and the dismemberment of body parts Bobbit style. Soccer withdrawal symptoms evoke the same response. People have killed and have been killed over a game. Jealous lovers have murdered each other. Rival soccer fans still try to do each other in.

When people are denied making love, frustration, tension and depression kick in on a nationwide scale. The same happens when it's the end of the soccer season. While some can bear abstinence, the long wait is a horrendous torture for most. They end up amusing themselves.

It's done in the privacy of their homes, playing with their private possessions. Sometimes, they invite their friends over and they do it together. And if you haven't indulged before, you have strong willpower, are a real bore or too old to relish the joy of such simple entertainment. If you're in the latter group, go borrow one from your kids. Oh yes, the Playstation 2 and the various soccer games such as Winning Eleven is a handy tool during those lonely nights of no live games. You weren't thinking of anything else, were you?

Then there's the impact of commercialism. Sex sells, so does soccer and both have become the adopted children (or abducted if you prefer) of marketing and consumerism. The dynamic duo have given us merchandise, literature, apparel, movies and entertainment to bring sex and soccer into every part of our lives. Sounds like a good idea to me. I mean if you have two money spinners with capital Ms, why not rake it in and make millions? It's even better if you can combine both.

Babelicious babes clad in soccer scarves (with nothing else on!), specially designed soccer jerseys to accentuate a woman's figure, sexy celebrities and models endorsing soccer clubs, David James and David Ginola making a comeback to the catwalk, Fabien Barthez reconnecting with Princess Stephanie of Monaco anything goes when sex meets soccer. If someone can think it up, he or she can probably make it happen too.

Here's a few more: Footballers posing nude to sell calendars but of course, for charity . Maybe players being 'auctioned' to the highest bidder (also for charity), soccer stars making a raunchy video (this would be charitable to female viewers' eyes), Pele pushing Viagra (he's pretty much a charity case himself), the use of the ball as a plaything (this is definitely not charity) the ideas abound.

How to score

You need to pounce on opportunities to score. So if a girl you fancy is standing by the bar, or there's a crisp cross in the penalty box coming your way, you've got to screw up your courage, rise to the occasion and give it everything you've got. Only when you try, can you score.

Now, unless you're Austin Powers or a soccer star, boldness, enthusiasm and a cheeky smile will only take you so far. Now is the time to showcase those skills of yours. There's dribbling (the art of conversation), agility (dancing, playing pool, etc) and of course stamina and shooting accuracy (bedroom action). Brush up on them as much as possible. Practise makes perfect. With the right skills, you'll be able to come out on top whichever playing field you're in.

Saving the best for last, the final similarity between sex and soccer is the joy and satisfaction they both bring. The sheer ecstasy one gets from either is mind-blowing. The chase, action, ball play and finally scoring (whether it's your favourite team or the act of sex itself) the sheer exhilaration and thrill of the whole affair lead to a moment of true gratification that leaves you gasping for more.

JOSHUA RYAN is a retired amateur street soccer player who has visited the San Siro soccer stadium in Milan, Italy. But he's actively scoring on a different playing field. He plans to come out of retirement some day.