Q

: The wife wants me to try out a Malay sex tool, which is the Bulu Mata Kambing. What the hell is it?!

The Kerbau

A : Dear Kerbau,

I hope you haven't rushed out to purchase a sheep-skin rug. Otherwise I'm going to mail your wife my studded paddle.

Bulu Mata Kambing or Ring Mata Kambing (RMK) is a ring with furry or feathery bits that sends your wife to seventh heaven. It's a must-have for men who can't get anything right.

No, you don't put it around your waist for crying out loud; it's a penile ring. As the name suggests, it looks rather like a sheep's eye.

You put it around your base prior to erection so that it fits snugly. It is reusable, but you have to wash it before and after using it. Store in cool places. It is also recommended that you dip it in water or add a little lubricant since most of them are made of non-elastic materials that may be a tad uncomfortable for you.

It's only a matter of time before males are born with this crucial yet missing accessory, or else a woman scientist will start adding this base structure to cloning experiments, together with other important bits missing in males.

Contrary to popular belief, it is not a Malay sex tool. RMK is said to have originated from the more sensitive indigenous societies, whose many aims in life include pleasing their womenfolk. In Southeast Asia, you can find it in Borneo, Java and several east-bound territories of Indonesia.

It is so popular that even fuddy-duddy Ford Foundation threw in some dosh for a sociological study of penile aids and accessories in West Timor, which of course included the indispensable RMK.

It tickled the Dutch so much that it sailed back to Europe together with spices. You can now find RMK in some of the sex-shops of Amsterdam.

Over time, it has made its way to our shores. Explorers have chanced upon this relic in Kuala Lumpur's Jalan Masjid India or the treasure trove of Pudu Plaza.

But like many hot items, it disappears as quickly as you can say 'D-B-K-L'.

If ever you see one lying around, grab it since it may not be there the next time. But if you find yourself in Indonesia, seek out the mbak jamu . Stock up, as they are only about Rp10,000 each and she'll throw in gratis wisdom if she likes you.

Ring of fur fun

However, allow me to proceed a little beyond this ring of fur fun. I can't help but sense there is much that is not spoken and someone's not too pleased these days. My guess is it ain't you. So darling, read between the lines because the following facts are right in front of you.

  1. You call yourself 'Kerbau', but all bini wants is a 'Kambing'.

  • In your love nest, you imagine yourself to be fully in charge, but she thinks you're just a ringed pet in the kandang .

  • You think you're such a roaring stud but the wife clamours for a furry, cuddly and submissive lamb under the sheets.

  • You assume you have a natural talent to hump and hrummph in the name of Eros, but the woman prefers you to be a bleating collared animal in the house of Venus.

    • So Mr Kerbau, I shan't waste time bull-s***ing you. Like all men, you are not a terror in bed just terrible.

    Since it's "til death-do-us-part", your wife has decided to take this bull by the horns. It's quite obvious she has been in deep consultation and probably studied the 10-step Tutor Programme online, as the Ring Mata Kambing is one of the recommended introductions. At the end of the programme, you will find yourself bound, milked, whipped and bleating away to the happy man you are meant to be.

    I give you six to 12 months, tops. And since we like to emphasize caring and sharing, you will soon be a willing recipient of the delightful RMK (Step 5, substep 15).

    Don't ask how; just obey your woman and the stable will emanate with joy.

    THE TUTOR is a domestic engineer. She gardens as a hobby. She likes her pets to wear cute collars with little bells. Send your questions and bouquets to revglam@gmail.com .