Q: Dear Tutor, what kind of sex toys do women want (and where I can get them)?

Male Scribe

A: Dear Scribe,

You possess such economy of language! Your reward comes in the form of a two-part answer.

Let's start with the garden-variety sex toys dildos and vibrators.

Just as men are not created great and equal, so too are dildos. Otherwise, we wouldn't have a need for these aids.

Contrary to popular male fantasies, women are generally not turned on by conventional or monster-sized dildos. They may politely feign ignorance or excitement, but in truth they are thinking, "Is that it that pink/brown/black thing?" or "How the hell am I going to get that in?!" You get the same response when you give a crappy birthday present.

So solitary stick doesn't do the trick. Period. Don't waste your money on this.

Gardening

Oh, larger doesn't mean better. Dildos ultimately are signifiers of male insecurity about their dongs. Turnips and leeks are good only for soup. Those that come as thick as fists, well, they have health warnings attached. Internal injuries optional.

If any of my female readers didn't like the big ones as a present, I suggest you ask if Mr Gift-bearer would like to have it stuff up his a*se. If yes, you may wish to proceed. Remember: my theme is always sharing and caring.

Otherwise they make excellent garden decoration that will make your neighbours go green with envy or a suitable chewy toy for your frisky furry pets.

Now dildos can stand alone, or come with vibrating features.

Conventional vibrators - single or multi-speed - are generally annoying, from the slow humming to hard throbbing ones. They can be as irritating as someone drilling next door. I use mine on my stressed out cat who lurves it as much as catnip.

Commercial vibrators were originally invented as they thought they could treat 'hysteria' in women. In the old days, it was believed that hysteria and nervous tensions were associated with the difficulty of women achieving orgasm (though more likely it was because of the deluge of bad sex and being treated like shit).

Saving the world

Medical practitioners then would massage and stimulate women to 'release' them (try this today and you go straight to jail). But it was said that doctors wanted to save the world rather than spend time massaging genitals of women. Over time, men started visiting their doctors for this form of treatment too. So the vibrator was introduced for doctors to get the job done quicky and without tiring their fingers. No one wanted to operate with shaky hands.

As late as the 1950s, they were sold as health aids for women. The men bought them quietly for their personal use.

This brief history lesson shows that merely furrowing the burrow ain't gonna work. It's about massaging and stimulating the right spot!

So the best thing you can get for your woman is the 'Rabbit'. Instead of those stick-like things, latex radish or double-dongs, the Rabbit ( see picture ) is king to all burrows.

They come in all shapes, sizes and ability; but the one essential feature is its appendage that massages and gently grinds the clit. (And still you wonder where you'd gone wrong?)

Something that may gain popularity here, so long as broadband access is reliable, is cyberdildonics.

Cybersex may seem pass now, but a decade ago, people were coming up with all sorts of new inventions cyberdildonics was one of them. There was even a open-source project to innovate further.

The whole idea was that, your partner who could be on the other end of the world, yet with the deft use of their keyboards, mouse or joysticks, operate your vibrator and control speed, motion etc.

I'm not sure why it didn't take off, but perhaps it's hard to type on the keyboard or speak into the mike when you're feeling randy.

Five reasons why the Rabbit is tops

I would recommend you shop online for these sex-toys. You have choices and discretion. The locally sold ones are said to have a tendency to fall apart, or even emit a nasty electrical impulse. Better still, just handover a gift voucher or your credit card details and let your woman pick what she likes.

I must warn you there is always the possibility that women lwill love the Rabbit more than men. It's hard to blame considering these five crucial reasons:

1) Faithful, trustworthy and honest

She doesn't have to worry about where it's been and with whom it's been trying to chat up, unless you really want to share. No sob story, bullshit or fantastical narratives. No diseases, STDs or HIV/AIDS. When she gets home, she knows it's right there waiting for her with a smile. It's there for her and only her. Awww.

2) "Am I the best you ever had?"

There are no insecurities over size or performance. They just get the job done and shut up after. No angst and no tantrums.

3) No pregnancy, no slime

She can throw out the birth control pills and condoms, though the latter is recommended for hygiene purposes. She'll never have to see an Oscar-winning performance from her a*sehole partner pretending to jump out of the window. Best of all, she doesn't have to swallow.

4) Guilt-free replacement

If it stops working, there's a better, cuter one available easily. She can have them home-delivered. No dramas, no stalking, no squealing or crazy tall tales to her colleagues. The costs she saves on changing locks, a new security system and therapy can buy her several pairs of Ferragamo stillettoes.

5) Like the Energizer bunny, it keeps going

No Viagra needed. It's there for her, whenever she wants it and as long as her batteries last. Oh, and it doesn't snore after.

Part two: Beads, whistles and clamps!

THE TUTOR is a domestic engineer and lives in a house with genuine picket-fences. She makes her pets to wear cute collars with little bells. Send your questions and bouquets to revglam@gmail.com . Viewer discretion is encouraged, but if you don't like what you read, close this window and don't come back!